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Living with Angry, Abusive Father: I’m Always Scared; Help!

19 November, 2022
Q I want to ask for guidance about a problem I have been undergoing since childhood. It’s my angry father. My father has done lots for me for which I cannot thank him enough. When he’s in a good mood he’s alright. But when he’s angry (which he mostly is) he’s like the most dangerous person ever. He gives me regular threats and gives me the worst swears a man can relating to mom etc. Mostly it’s on pointless things. He never talks normally or guides. He’s pressured and criticized me since childhood and still does now that I am 16. This is the reason I am always scared and my mental health is in bits. He doesn't let me go out or trust me in anything. I don't also have a phone when all people my age do. He looks down upon me and scares me like I’m his worst mistake. Worst of all he does the same thing to my mother and siblings. He abuses my mother a lot about her family and as if everything is her fault and occasionally lashes out at her to the point, she goes crazy and cries a lot. My mother has always been nice to everyone including my dad and she has never made one mistake on purpose but she has to live with being treated like nothing like me. I don't know why I am writing this. I’m just tired and sad and done. I have been enduring this since childhood. And it has only gotten worse with time. Please help me

Answer

If your father treats not only you but the whole family harshly and violently, please understand that it is most likely not your fault. 

Do not take his behavior personally, as it seems that he has unfixed issues from the past that prevent him from treating his family with respect and kindness

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However, this should not be an excuse; cruelty and abuse are neither permitted nor acceptable.

You, your siblings, and your mother deserve a life without threats and insults.

Probably all of you would need help to heal together as a family. What can you do, and where can you go for help?

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Family counseling would be great. But there are other options as well.

Click on the audio and listen to the full advice here

Check also:

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.