What should a woman do, when she finds out that her husband has molested her kids?
Answer
Salam Alaikom Wa Rahmatullah Wa Barakatuhu Dear Sister,
Thank you for turning to us with your questions. I acknowledge your strength for opening up and writing to us.
The topic you raise is a very serious matter and although it just partly relates to counseling, it needs to be addressed due to its severity, and importance to take action as soon as possible.
While you do not reveal any details about the age/ gender of your child(ren), the context and the details, morally and legally there are clear-cut boundaries that should not be crossed.
Regarding the first two questions about pedophilia and Islam, I kindly ask you to write to our sections: Ask About Islam and Ask the Scholar for more precise answer on Islamic stances and rulings.
However, I can reassure you that pedophilia and sexual abuse of children have absolutely no place in Islam and are considered serious crimes with legal consequences.
Definitions
First, I would start with some definitions, because your last question sadly ißs not only about pedophilia but about sexual abuse of ones own children.
According to the American Psychological Association, pedophilia – a subcategory of paraphilia – means: “sexual acts or fantasies involving prepubertal ? are the persistently preferred or exclusive method of achieving sexual excitement. The children are usually many years younger than the pedophile (or pedophiliac). Sexual activity may consist of looking and touching but may include intercourse, even with very young children.”
So with other words, sexual attraction and behavior towards children who havenꞌt reached puberty yet.
The psychological terminology also describes hebephilia (adult sexual attraction preference of early adolescents (11-14 years old) and ephebophilia (of late adolescents, 15-19). These two do not fall under the category of paraphilia, and are not considered mental disorders, however, could have legal consequences, depending on the rulings of each country.
Boundaries of Marriage
In Islam, the only permitted sexual relationship is within the boundaries of marriage between a man and a woman. Everything else falls into the category of prohibitions. And although technically speaking, in Islam adulthood starts after passing puberty, being in sexual relationship is only permitted in the marriage, and with explicit rulings on who can one marry. Allah says in the Quran:
“Also˺ forbidden to you for marriage are your mothers, your daughters, your sisters, your paternal and maternal aunts, your brother’s daughters, your sister’s daughters, your foster-mothers, your foster-sisters, your mothers-in-law, your stepdaughters under your guardianship if you have consummated marriage with their mothers—but if you have not, then you can marry them—nor the wives of your own sons, nor two sisters together at the same time—except what was done previously. Surely Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.” (Quran 4:23)
The Quran is very clear about the prohibition of marrying oneꞌs own daughter, therefore being in any kind of sexual relationship with her (and obviously with his son).
Sexual Abuse Is a Crime
My dear Sister, what your last question refers, by no means is permitted in Islam. Sexual abuse is a crime, and unacceptable both legally and morally. It is indeed a very traumatic experience and has serious consequences on the physical and mental health of the child. Unfortunately, the vast majority of reported sexual abuse take place within the home, and the perpetrator is a family member or close relative: someone who the child trusts. Here is a short article with frightening numbers by UNICEF.
So, I strongly recommend you take urgent steps to stop his behavior and to protect your children from further harm. Your children need to be removed from the place where they are at risk of future harm, and they need immediate professional support to start recovery.
I know and completely understand that it could be very hard to face the fact that your husband is involved in such a wrong act. You may also need further counseling and professional help to cope with this situation and prepare yourself for conflicts that could arise from discovering the abuse and wanting to prevent it in the future.
Be Prepared
You do not say more about the context and the situation you are in, but you have to be prepared for any kind of reaction and stay strong on your children’s side. You will probably be threatened by your husband or by family members who prefer to hide this behavior, fearing the loss of reputation and respect in your local community. You may hear promises and words of repentance in order to change your mind.
But I would like you to understand, that your responsibility is to protect your children from any harm possible, even when the harm is coming from their own father who transgress the boundaries of Islam and morality.
So, if you are certain that sexual abuse has taken place at -i.e. you have witnessed it -, please do not hesitate and ask for legal help. If you are not 100% sure, but you have the confession of your children, it is very recommended to trust their words, as usually children do not invent stories including sexual elements they have not experienced before somehow.
This can manifest through play, games, stories, movements, and unusual, not age appropriate behavior. Sometimes the opposite happens: the negation of being victims, as they fear the negative consequences promised by the abuser; or because their perception of what normal intimacy and boundaries mean has been distorted.
Warning Signs
If you are experiencing the following symptoms in your child, you need to take legal action immediately:
- changes in behavior and mood that could not be explained by other reasons
- unusual crying, nightmares, clinginess and physical symptoms that could not be related to normal activity or other causes: stomach pain, swelling or redness in the genital area, pain when going to the toilet, difficulty walking or sitting, bruises on soft parts of their body, like buttocks or thighs, symptoms of a urinary tract infection, like burning while going to the toilet, symptoms of a sexually transmitted infection, like discharge from the penis or vagina
- strange questions about keeping secrets, telling secrets and its consequences.
You also need to understand, that not only sexual intercourse is sexual abuse, but touching, kissing, trying to involve the child in sexual behavior, and even inapproriate sexual speech.
When you talk to your child about what happened, try to be calm, neutral while supportive and non judgemental. Please, try to avoid strong emotional reactions and slander, as it might frighten her to enter into more details. You need to reassure her that it is safe to talk to you, and you are going to support her, despite disclosing uncomfortable details.
Please, ask for help, as sexual abuse is considered a crime. Furthermore, both you and the victim need therapy and support to overcome this situation. Even your husband, as pedophilia is considered a mental disorder; so beside that he has to bear the legal consequences and punishment for his actions, he needs to undergo therapy to recover from this condition. Here is a helpline for parents, and another one for Muslim women.
My sister, I know that this situation is a big test for all of you. You need to stay strong and keep in mind the safety and health of your child. I wish you perseverance and determination to take action, may Allah help you!
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