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Do You Need a Wife or a Maid?

06 October, 2018
Q To start off, I used to be in a relationship but it broke and I'm never going to do it again because I’ve realized why Islam prohibits it. I'd wish for you to take this into consideration while reading the rest. So, now I've approximately three years until my stage of adulthood begins (2 years college and 1-year military service). I realized that I'm the type of guy who'll slowly die from self-neglect if I don’t have someone to look after me.

Thus, I will be in need of a wife upon starting my adulthood. The problem is that normally everyone already has at this age a potential wife-to-be in their lives, but I don’t really have any. There is a girl I know from high school who could actually be this potential wife-to-be, but I have never talked to her and the information I have about her is quite general.

For me, trust doesn't come easily; I need time for people to be able to trust them and with something as big as marriage, I'll need maybe years. Therefore, it's my wish right now to reach out to that girl and befriend her. Would that be the correct thing to do? Again, I want to point out that I don't intend to be in a relationship, nor do I intend to cross my lines. I only wish to let her know that I'm a person who exists and to also know more about her as a person, so when the time comes for marriage, I'd know whether she can be my spouse or not.

My fear is that if I just sit back and wait without any action right now, I won't ever get a spouse. Thanks in advance for the answer.

Answer


In this counseling:

“To clarify further, a wife is not a maid. Her main responsibilities are absolutely not to cook, clean, and complete household chores. A wife is a committed partner whom you will share your life with – the good and the bad. As husband and wife, both of you were created to protect, love, and help one another through this journey called life.”


Salamu ‘Alaikum Brother,

Thank you for sending us your story. It appears that you are a young man who is thinking of marriage for the future but still not ready for it. May Allah help you to reach your goals and dreams and to find peace and fulfillment in your endeavors.

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Brother, you have mentioned that you were in a relationship with a woman in the past and it ended on bad terms. Now, you are starting your “adulthood” and realize that you “need a wife.” You say this because you mentioned that “I’m the type of guy who’ll slowly die from self-neglect if I don’t have someone to look after me.” Brother, can you explain this sentence a little further? From what I understood from it, it appears that you are starting to work and discovered that you are in need of someone to take care of your needs such as cooking, cleaning, etc. because you are too busy to do that for yourself. Is that the main reason you want to get married?

If that is so, then I would urge you to think again before getting married. To clarify further, a wife is not a maid. Her main responsibilities are absolutely not to cook, clean, and complete household chores. A wife is a committed partner whom you will share your life with – the good and the bad. As husband and wife, both of you were created to protect, love, and help one another through this journey called life.

Therefore, to solve the issue of “self-neglect”, I would highly suggest that you manage your time in a more efficient manner. Plan your week by writing all your responsibilities (work, school, etc.) and then find time within your week to do laundry, cook, and clean the house. If you live alone, then you probably will only need to do your chores 1-3 times a week. Being responsible for yourself and managing your affairs in a timely and responsible manner are qualities that one must and should acquire before marriage.

What is your idea of marriage? Why do you want to get married? What do you get out of marriage? What do you bring to the marriage? These are all important questions you need to ask yourself before seeking to get married.

My suggestion to you would be to take care of yourself first and foremost. This is the most important thing you can do for yourself and your future wife. Start by getting a job, exceeding in your work, save up some money, take care of your responsibilities (such as household chores, bills, debts, and others), maintain family ties, take care of your health, etc. When you feel that you are ready for marriage, seek out a spouse. Take it one step at a time; there is no rush. When you feel that you are ready for marriage, certainly you can seek out a woman whom you feel is compatible with you and get to know her with her wali’s (guardian) permission.

Before seeking out a spouse, take care of your affairs first. Know who you are and what you want to become first, and then seek out a wife. Knowing yourself, your desires and where you want to be headed will tremendously help your future marriage and will create a more stable foundation within your relationship. Stay focused and in sha’ Allah, Allah will guide you to what is best for you.

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aliah F. Azmeh
Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.