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I Don’t Feel I Love Her Anymore

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Mar 21, 2019

Question

I told a girl that I love her, and a few months later she told me that she loves me too. Everything was going well for while after, but after a year I felt like I was lying to her. I was lying about loving her, but I didn’t have the heart to say it because she was deeply in love with me.

Last night, I told her that I didn’t love her. She cried out to me and told me how much she loves me and that she would never marry anyone other than me, so I asked her to forgive me. I know I won’t even marry anyone else since I feel incapable of loving anyone, and after all, she has done for me, I want to love her.

She’s the most honest girl in the world but I don’t know why my heart never feels anything for anyone. I have already made her sad many times and she wants me to come back to her. How can I do her justice? I do not know why my heart doesn’t accept the treasure in front of me.

Even when I said I do not love her she told me she would always love me. She said I can freely leave because she thinks I have some problem. She always thinks good for me and so many guys cheated on her, yet I never had such intentions.

What should I do? Should I tell her that I love her and marry her? I would be more than happy to marry such a precious person and take care of her. I do not want to do her injustice.

Counselor

Answer



In this counseling answer:

• As harsh as this may sound, 85% of “love” experienced by the teenage mind is infatuation.

• It is necessary that both the spouses be on the same level when it comes to religion.

• Distract your thoughts by spending time with friends/playing sports/family, finding yourself a career goal, or discovering your interests, skills, subjects, and fields that you are good at.

• Focus on your education.

• If you have such strong feelings for the girl, you need to let your parents know.

• Pray the istikharah prayer.


As-Salamu Alaikum dear brother,

Thank you for placing your trust in our ability to propose a solution to your current situation.

As harsh as this may sound, 85% of “love” experienced by the teenage mind is infatuation.

(Psychology Today states that the teenage mind is not fully developed and is rather distracted very fast if not given proper direction. Although it is considered that an individual reaches sexual maturity at the age of puberty, which is around 12-15 for both girls and guys, research indicates that individuals are not sexually or mentally mature until they are in their mid-twenties.

karim serageldin & naaila clay

Therefore, the feelings that you both experience likely stem from the physical attraction of the opposite gender and are not feelings of completeness that real love usually makes one feel. Real love provides mutual enjoyment, emotional knowing, social compatibility, physical/sexual attraction, and affection, feeling of friendship, romantic excitement, which all combine to create a sense of caring, commitment, and fulfillment that make the other person the only one for you.

The other person should remind you of Allah, should inspire you to get closer to Allah, and should instill a sense of improvement in your nature towards Allah. These are the feelings that real love brings. Even when arranged marriages take place, these feelings start to arise close to the marriage date, when the match is right, or before the potential individuals even meet.

The right person for marriage: Question a potential spouse’s character

I believe that a person’s past is not indicative of their present situation or their future, but in your question, when you mentioned that the girl said, “many guys cheated her”, I was a bit shocked.

Assuming that this girl is around your age, how could she have had relationships with “many” guys at such a young age? Is she not in school? How can someone who believes in Allah freely have relationships with many guys knowing that it is prohibited in Islam to freely interact with the opposite gender without a professional/academic reason?

Even when it comes to marriage, chaperoning is a must. And what kind of relationships were they?

Dear brother, it is not enough to consider someone a “diamond” simply because they say they have feelings for you. It is very, very, important to judge their character and morals. How do you know that she did not say the same words to many other guys?

It is necessary that both the spouses be on the same level when it comes to religion.

The character is of extreme importance in Islam and goes hand in hand with faith and piety.

The Prophet SAW has even described it as the purpose of his mission to mankind as we can see in the following hadiths:

“I have only been sent to complete good character.” (Al-Hakim and others and classed as Sahih)

“I am a guarantor of a house in the highest degree of Paradise for one who makes his character good.” (Abu Dawud and it is Hasan)

Allah establishes the relation of this issue to marriage, saying:

“Bad women are for bad men and bad men are for bad women. And good women are for good men and good men are for good women.” (An-Nur 24:26)

In addition, the Prophet SAW said, “A woman is married for four things, her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So, you should marry the religious woman; (otherwise) you will be a loser.” (Al Bukhari)

Priorities: Education

Dear brother, I understand that you have feelings for her in the sense that you do not want to abandon a girl whom you consider to be good, although you do not have many inner feelings for her. However, since you need to wait till you are 18 anyway, I suggest that you let her know about this and focus on your education.


Check out this counseling video:


Are you not interested in creating a career for yourself? Are you not interested in progressing academically, professionally, and personally as an individual? Do not get distracted by such feelings. I am not asking to completely set these feelings aside. I am simply asking you not to highlight them until the right time comes.

If you place too much thought and emphasis on her, you will go down the wrong path of sins and loss of productivity. Distract your thoughts by spending time with friends/playing sports/family, finding yourself a career goal, or discovering your interests, skills, subjects, and fields that you are good at. You could even exercise or read in order to distract your mind for useless thoughts and promote productivity:

It is possible that once you start to train your mind you may realize that you are a bit young and would prefer an established career or such.

Parents

Dear brother, although 85% of love felt by teenagers is not real, there are some cases in which young men and women get married as soon as they turn 18 (the legal age for both genders to be married). Therefore, if you have such strong feelings for the girl, you need to let your parents know.

When you get your parents involved, it may be hard for them to accept that their son is considering marriage so young. However, this is where your ability to approach matters with maturity, calmness, and patience comes in. Either you can wait till you are 18 and consider if your feelings change as you become more mature and your life’s goals and ambitions change or let them know now.

It will be difficult, but you rely on the support of a family member you trust, such as a sibling, a cousin, or even an aunt or uncle you feel comfortable with.

Seek guidance from Allah SWT

Dear brother, Salat-ul-Istikahra, the guidance prayer, is very important when it comes to making such important decisions in our lives. You simply pray two rakaat of salah, and ask Allah SWT to guide you towards what is wrong and what is right. There is going to be no dream, or any other way of receiving an answer. Allah SWT will simply make easy what is good for you and remove what is bad for you.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Are You Looking for Love? (True Experience)

Falling in Love When Young: Allowed?

I’m a Teenager & in Love with a Guy

 




About Madiha Sadaf

Madiha Sadaf in an undergraduate student at the University of Ottawa, enrolled in BSc. with Major in Biology and Psychology with Minor in Health Social Sciences.

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