In this counseling answer:
- Oppressing the weaker is strongly condemned in Islam, so one has to reflect deeply about his / her own faith and connection with Allah as a believer if he or she constantly abuses his / her spouse or children.
- Your father’s violent behavior and inability to control his anger are not your fault. Please, do not hate yourself for that!
- Look around locally to receive this assessment and possible solutions.
- If you do not receive enough kindness from your father, think about Allah, who is the Most Loving and Most Merciful, and whose kindness is the greatest. Turn to Him and know that He loves you and is there for you:
Salam alaikom dear sister,
I am really sorry to hear about your struggle because of your father’s behavior and abuse.
I hope my answer serves at least as an orientation in this difficult situation, because I think there is quite a lot to tackle on a personal and familiar level, which necessitates multiple levels of professional support and guidance.
First, it seems that your father has some serious issues he should address.
I am not sure whether he was always like this—hot-tempered and unable to control his anger—or whether something has happened that worked as a trigger.
A wide range of issues, for example, from work to economics to a recent loss or undiagnosed or untreated mental disorders, can cause intense distress and an inability to control one’s rage and behavior.
So, it would be good to explore the reasons behind his behavior and his willingness to admit that it is unacceptable.
Domestic Violence Is Sinful
I am saying this because, obviously, domestic violence is a sin.
Oppressing the weaker is strongly condemned in Islam, so one has to reflect deeply about his own faith and connection with Allah as a believer if he or she constantly abuses his spouse or children.
And if someone realizes his wrongdoing, feels guilty, sincerely repents, and asks forgiveness from Allah and his loved ones, he still needs to work very hard on changing his behavior, learning to control his anger, communicating effectively, gaining back the trust of his loved ones, and so forth.
This needs longer-term professional help, at least at the beginning, in the form of individual and/or family counseling.
When he improves at an individual level, then together you can work on adjusting and improving the family dynamics and heal the wounds together.
Your Well-Being Matters
But if, for some reason, there is no opportunity to improve together or until it starts happening, you need to focus on your well-being and safety and on how you can feel better and more supported in this situation, along with your siblings and mother.
Do Not Tolerate
The first thing to know is that physical and emotional abuse should not be tolerated, neither as a wife nor as a daughter. If you are hurt, or witness the hurt of your family members, you need to look for help to prevent something tragical event to happen in the future.
A husband has no right to use violence—either physical or verbal—against his family. So, you, your siblings, and your mother need to be very strong and determined in looking for solutions. Check out this video.
I cannot evaluate your particular case here, unfortunately. But your situation needs a more in-depth assessment in order to be able to receive the right help.
You were brave enough, masallah, to write to us. Now I encourage you to look around locally to receive this assessment and possible solutions.
If you think that your family or community cannot offer meaningful solutions, you may call a local domestic violence or women’s support organization and explain your case so that they can instruct you on where, how, and what to do.
Support Each Other
Sister, alhamdulillah, you are there for each other, along with your siblings and your mother.
Support each other and share your struggles. Try to help your mother decide and ask for help until it is too late.
Be comforting to each other with love and care; it can give you a lot of strength and hope in moments of distress, in sha Allah.
Sister, your father’s violent behavior and inability to control his anger are not your fault. Please, do not hate yourself for that! Love yourself and believe that you are worthy of love, mercy, and kindness.
If you do not receive enough kindness from your father, think about Allah, who is the Most Loving and Most Merciful, and whose kindness is the greatest. Turn to Him and know that He loves you and is there for you:
“…Allah loves those who are mindful ˹of Him.˺ (Quran 3:76)
May He comfort you when you are feeling distressed. Also, know that He hears your dua:
“Beware of the supplication of the oppressed, for there is no barrier between it and Allah.” Ṣaḥīḥ al-Bukhārī 4090
Turn to Him and ask for His guidance. Make a dua to bring your situation to an end. At the same time, take action and do not wait without trying to seek help.
Make the First Step
You say that you have nowhere to go. Sister, I believe that once you put your full trust in Allah and seek solutions in times of calamity, Allah will provide help from unexpected places.
You just need to take the first step.
Imagine that you are walking on a road, but you are afraid to proceed further because you do not see the end because of the sharp turn in front of you.
If you get stuck there, you won’t arrive, but if you decide to move further, the end of the road will become more and more visible, and finally you can make your way.
With this being said, I encourage you to see together what opportunities are there to make the first step toward changing the situation and seek our help.
Here are some sources from our site you might find beneficial:
I pray Allah to ease your struggle.Please keep us updated.
More from Orsolya Ilham O.:
- Child Sexual Abuse: Action Needed
- All I Can Think of Is Hell and Hellfire
- Am I Going to Die or Just Having Panic Attacks?
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.