Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Trusting Allah and His plan is important, but those who suffer must try to find means and take action.
- No one has the right to treat you or your mother this way, so I kindly ask you not to wait “patiently” until something really tragic happens.
- If your stepfather does not show any signs of repentance or a change in behavior towards you and your mother, you need to look for help and see how to get out of this situation.
- Allah knows what you are going through and sees your suffering. And abuse and violence in the family are things that are against His command.
Salam alaikom dear sister,
What you are presenting in your letter is really sad. Your stepfather is abusing you and your mother, first physically and now emotionally. Your mother cannot have qula because of the people around her.
Dear sister, may Allah ease your situation; that really sounds saddening.
Let me tell you, Allah asks us to be patient in times of adversity and suffering. But it does not mean waiting and not trying to do anything in order for things to change.
Abuse Is a Sin
Abuse, whether physical or emotional, is a sin, sister. It is not permitted by Allah.
No one has the right to treat you or your mother this way, so I kindly ask you not to wait “patiently” until something really tragic happens.
Trusting Allah and His plan is important, but those who suffer must try to find means and take action. It is crucial to seek opportunities according to one’s abilities and circumstances and not endure undeserved pain and suffering.
I know that sometimes one is in a situation where it seems very difficult to move on.
You say, your mother does not want divorce because of certain people, I guess family members, around.
You do not detail what this means, but I am wondering whether they would be OK with it if you or your mother risked your lives and got hurt one day. Would they bear the responsibility for that?
Legally Wrong Too
Sometimes, unfortunately, some people do not stop abusive behavior until they get a strong reminder, either by legal forces, other community members, or when their family abandons them. It can be his case also, especially if your mother relies on him financially.
I am not sure what exactly you mean by physical and emotional abuse, but the first one is called domestic violence and can be considered a criminal act, depending on where you live. Behaving violently and hurting others can have legal consequences.
If your stepfather does not show any signs of repentance or a change in behavior towards you and your mother, you need to look for help and see how to get out of this situation and move to a safer place.
I strongly advise you, sister, to talk to your mother and start looking around for what you can do in this situation. I am sure that together you are strong and will find your way out!
Seek Help and Support Each Other
If there are no family or community members who you can trust and who can help, you need to find a domestic violence organization or hotline in your location and contact them.
Hopefully they have tips and resources about how exactly you need to proceed and what steps you need to follow.
Even so, they help women who are not financially independent and have nowhere to go to find shelter during the initial stage of separation.
Your mother and your safety are the most important things, sister. You should not spend the other half of your life—as you say—in fear and abuse.
I am sure that you are brave enough to find your way out. Please try to convince your mother to seek help as well and support each other.
Change to Change Your Condition
The most difficult is the first step. But once you make it, you will see, in sha Allah, that the doors will open more and more and you will find more opportunities.
Remember the verse from the Quran:
“Indeed, Allāh will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves.” (Quran 13:11)
Regarding your question about praying for your stepfather’s death, I am not a scholar to tell you whether it is permissible to pray for his death.
But I know that you can pray against oppression, asking Allah to end your suffering. Allah always hears the dua of the oppressed:
“The Messenger of Allah sent Mu’adh [bin Jabal] to Yemen, and said: ‘Beware of the supplication of the oppressed; for indeed there is no barrier between it and Allah.'” Jami` at-Tirmidhi 2014
You also say that you would like to “convince Allah” to take his life.
My dear sister, Allah is All-Knowing and All-Seeing, so I do not think that there is a need to “convince” Him.
Everything happens by His will, and the tests are meant to try our faith and conviction in Him.
Allah knows what you are going through and sees your suffering. And abuse and violence in the family are things that are against His command.
So, I would kindly suggest that you focus on yourself and on your mother and see what you can do to change this situation instead of waiting for an external change.
Just put your trust in Him and know that He will guide both of you if you turn to Him for guidance.
I wish you the best; please keep us updated about your safety.
More from Orsolya Ilham O.:
- Help Me Navigate This World Obsessed with Beauty
- Silent Treatment: Married, But Have Not Had Relationship for 2 Years
- I’ve Hurt My Mum; How to Control Anger & Gain Back Her Trust?
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