That time I felt a broken connection with Allah and started wondering about his existence.
Further as I was praying the Quran for the deceased. I came to Kafir many times. Basically, there was this bad thing in me that whenever I read that this is the truth and didn't do it, my thoughts got there.
I am so sorry to Allah but I am in such a vicious cycle of bad imagery, bad names and I am sooo scared of hell.
It's been 3 months and I know there is Allah and everything is true about his book. I keep on going in this cycle. I ask Allah to give me death with forgiveness and belief. I did a major sin as well.
Everytime I make wudu with hot water or bath, I think about jahannum. I cannot think past this. I cannot keep up with conversations of people. I was going to start my career but now even just washing dishes seems like such a big accomplishment. I cannot take this anymore.
Few years ago, I started praying 5 times plus tahajjud. I used to care about Allah. Now I don't even want to live if there is hellfire waiting.
I see tv and all I can think of is. That is Muslim and going to Jannah and that is kafir and might go to jahannum. I am unable to do any tasks. I feel lonely and empty. I feel so lethargic to pray. I just want to sleep and die. Now I am even afraid to open the Quran.
How am I to repent if this cycle keeps going?
Answer
In this counseling post:
- Your symptoms, especially those related to lethargy, sleepiness, and lack of motivation are often present in people who suffer from depression. So the first and most important thing is to seek professional assessment and help.
- Grief and bereavement should not be neglected, and we need to dedicate some inner work to processing what happened.
- Reward yourself with something when you accomplish your tasks, go outdoors, exercise and have healthy habits to gain more energy.
Salam alaikom wa rahmatullah, dear sister,
Thank you for writing. I am really sorry to hear your struggles with your fears and thoughts about Hell and Hellfire.
It seems that these fears have reached an extent where you have difficulty completing normal daily tasks. You feel too lethargic to pray and to complete your tasks; you would rather sleep and die.
Sister, my first question would be: Have you ever visited a doctor or mental health professional with your symptoms, especially those related to lethargy, sleepiness, and lack of motivation?
I am asking this because these symptoms are often present in people who suffer from depression.
I cannot set up a diagnosis here, but I strongly recommend that you seek a specialist who can evaluate your condition.
You said that you have lost a close relative, and since then you have noticed a decline.
Sister, the loss of a loved one is a difficult period for all, normally. The grief has stages, and you need to go through them in order to find peace with what has happened.
You do not provide many details, so I am not sure whether you have had the opportunity to mourn your relative, especially in a psychological sense.
Furthermore, when we lose someone, our natural reactions are very similar to those of those who suffer from depression. Lack of sleep and appetite, or the opposite; lethargy, lack of motivation, and lack of energy, to name a few of them.
Grief and bereavement should not be neglected, and we need to dedicate some inner work to processing what happened.
Sometimes we can’t overcome it on our own, and we end up in depression or another mental health struggle.
So, again, I kindly advise you to turn to a counselor or to your GP to refer you to a specialist.
Back to your question about faith and Hellfire:
Maybe I am wrong, but it seems to me that your primary struggle is related to your current mental health state. Probably, this has a secondary effect on other aspects of your life, including your relationship with Allah.
In this state, it is quite common that you also struggle with your worship, with completing the daily rituals, or with connecting to the Quran.
This can happen because your mind is somehow “narrowed” at the moment and focuses only on one thing.
In your case, on hell and hellfire. So you see everything through this lens. It is like having a black-and-white filter on your eyes where you cannot see other colors.
What can you do?
The first and most important thing is to seek professional help, as I said before.
You can learn online about the bereavement process and the stages of grief to better understand what you have been going through. Here are some sources from our site: 4 Keys to Overcoming Loss of Any Kind, I Have Lost My Brother; How to Cope with It Islamically?, Facts About Depression
Try to keep your connection with Allah and do your best to fulfill your daily worship.
No worries if you’ve done it better in the past. Little is better than nothing, and sticking to your daily worship routine will help you feel less guilty.
Reward yourself
Reward yourself with something when you accomplish your tasks.
For example, choose three things each day and write them down, then mark them when you are done.
Little things are also fine: washing the dishes, reading 1 page from the Quran, etc. Plus, do not forget the reward from Allah for each prayer or act of worship!
Spend time outdoors
Go out into nature and find connection there. Contemplating the beautiful creation of Allah is a natural peacemaker. Just go for a walk and look around you. Be grateful for the blessings you see.
Additionally, try to take care of your health with a healthy diet and some form of exercise; you will see that it can help to increase your energy levels.
Seek companion
Try to spend more time with others, especially with good company. Join your friends or the community around you.
You may seek out a group for people who have gone through recent loss and share your experience with each other.
May Allah help you, and I wish you the best,
Read more from Orsolya Ilham O.:
- My Thoughts Endanger My Marriage & Faith; Help!
- How to Be More Consistent and Less Distracted?
- Am I Going to Die or Just Having Panic Attacks?
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides.