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“I Am Your Husband’s Second Wife ”

Questioner

S

Reply Date

Aug 09, 2019

Question

Salam Alaykum. I have been married to my husband for almost 18 years. We have 3 daughters; a 16, a 14 and an 11 years old. I am also pregnant. I am a Christian and my husband is Muslim. I have helped my husband raise our children in the Islamic faith as I have total respect for him and his religion. I also believe in one God as my husband does. I have been always a strong believer and have very high morals as does my husband.

We were only intimate with each other once married according to the Islamic faith. I have always been faithful and loyal to my husband so has he (or at least I thought). We have had a very strong marriage and always been totally honest with each other. I have been considering converting to Islam for a while now. My husband's mum became very sick and he had to fly out to his home country two days ago to be with her. I could not go as I am pregnant, and we lost a baby a few years ago at 20 weeks; therefore, we were afraid to take the chance of me taking a 6 hour flight. I had a phone call yesterday from a woman claiming that my husband married her on his last visit home. Then she called me on Skype and said that he didn't want me or my children as they were not born in his country. That he is only with me for money.

According to her, he said he doesn't love me or my children. I told her that I didn't believe this, especially with his children as he adores them and takes great pride in them. That anything I own is half his anyway, so if this is true, he has no reason to stay with me. She says he is staying with me so that he can stay here in the UK. He has had permanent residency here for many years, so that cannot be the reason. He is also a resident of Germany and was before I married him. She had a photo of him with her, he is in a suit and she is in a wedding gown, his sisters and other family are in the photo too. This had made me feel unwell. I told her to never call my house again because she tried to say these things to my daughter. I told her even if it was true, my daughters were just children and I wouldn’t allow anybody to disrespect their father to them. My husband said it is a total fabrication, and they are doing this because of a big argument between his family and another family. He says he has contacted a solicitor to find out what can be done about it.

His family has said that it is not true, that they are trying to split our family apart with lies for revenge. I feel sick with it all. I had total faith in my husband and now I feel like my world has been shaken. I know that in Islam a second wife is permitted, but I believe that also honesty is very important. My husband says he has never ever thought of taking another wife as we have a wonderful strong family, and to have a second wife is very serious and cannot be taken lightly. He says he can never give the same to another wife so for this reason alone, he could not do it. He has told me any paper work that I need as proof he will get them and have them notarized. I don't want to doubt my husband but I find that I am.

I always believed my husband to be strong in his faith, which I find is a great quality. I am very active in my local mosques and with other Muslim women as this brings great fulfillment for me and my children, but I do not feel I can talk about this matter with them as I would feel disloyal to my husband. I don't even feel I can talk to my own family as they have a lot of love and respect for my husband, and I don't want to destroy that. Please could you advise me in this situation? Maybe you can help me make sense of this, inshallah.

Counselor

Answer


“I Am Your Husband’s Second Wife ”

In this counseling answer:

• Since you have known your husband for over 18 years, have you ever seen anything from him that would indicate that he leads a double life? That he lies?

• Continue to be open and honest with your husband and let him know how you feel.

• If you continue to feel uneasy, ask yourself, “What exactly do I want from my husband that will make me feel better about this situation?


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum Sister,

Thank you for your question. I pray that you and your family continue living together in harmony, and for you and your husband to find peace after such an ordeal. I am sorry to hear about the harassment that you have experienced from that random woman from your husband’s home of origin. I am also very sorry to hear that you have lost a child in the womb at 20 weeks. I pray that you and your husband heal from such a difficulty.

I do not blame you for feeling the way you do after a random woman calls you and tells you that she is your husband’s wife. No matter how great a marriage is, something like this would certainly throw you off even if you trust your husband and share a strong bond together as spouses.

Since that woman’s phone call, you have asked your husband about it and he and his family both said that the woman’s claims are untrue and fabricated. They mentioned something about the woman’s family seeking revenge on your husband and his family. Certainly, how you describe her tone, the picture she showed you, and her mannerisms seem very threatening and done with malice. So it seems that his explanation and what the woman said make sense.


Check out this counseling answer:


But what I would hold to be stronger than that is what you already know about your husband. You explained that you have been married to your husband for over 18 years and describe a very strong and happy marriage Alhamdulillah. Since you have known your husband for over 18 years, have you ever seen anything from him that would indicate that he leads a double life? That he lies? That he has been somehow hiding anything from you? Do you feel that he has been open and trustworthy with you all these years? If he has been, indeed, a trustworthy and honest partner, then his character and his word hold much more weight than what that woman stated.

Continue to be open and honest with your husband and let him know how you feel. If you continue to feel uneasy, ask yourself, “What exactly do I want from my husband that will make me feel better about this situation?

I pray that you and your family continue to live with each other truly and tranquility.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

I Found Out I Was My Husband’s Secret Second Wife

Confessions of a Second Wife

In Bad Financial Situation: Why Having a Second Wife?




About Aliah F. Azmeh

Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.

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