I married a man 15 years older than me. He recently died due to a stroke. Prior to our marriage, we met professionally. I used to look after his business matters, help him financially and in everything. He assured me a beautiful life with him by swearing on the Holy Quran.
Initially, my family was not happy with the proposal but I convinced them. As we both were working, we used to stay separately in different cities in weekdays and used to meet in the weekends or during holidays at our home. I have given space and liberty to him.
I never doubted and questioned him on his income and expenditure. I came to know a few years after the wedding that my husband was already married with 5 children. He justified his fault by saying that he was not happy with his first wife and he did not want to lose me so he lied.
I wanted khula but he convinced me not to divorce. After few months when he was hospitalized I was shocked to know that he was staying with his family all these years, and he did not disclose about his second marriage to anyone.
It was so embarrassing and humiliating for me after giving 8 years of life, helping financially, emotionally, personally, physically to a person who pretended to be my husband. My life shattered with his demise as I loved him so much.
At present, my family, friends and everyone blames me for believing his false promises in the name of Allah. Did I commit a mistake? On the day of judgment, will I be held responsible for my blind belief?
In this counseling answer:
“Allah (swt) will not judge you for what you didn’t know. As a good wife, you trusted your husband. As your husband is now gone, he can’t rectify his mistakes. So, it is advised to try forgiving him and ask Allah (swt) for his forgiveness.”
Wa ’Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh sister,
Certainly, you face a very difficult situation. After having been married for many years, you found out that your husband had an entirely secret other life. He was married with kids and his family never knew about you. The circumstances of your living arrangements meant that you were completely unaware of all this, and as a good wife, upon hearing the devastating news, you trusted that he would fix things.
Unfortunately, he never did and has since returned to Allah (swt). Inna lilahi wa inna illayhi rajioon. Now you don’t only grieve his death but face the devastation of not dealing with the fact that he betrayed you for many years.
Take it easy
Firstly, take things easy on yourself. You have been through a tough time. You also mourn the loss of your husband. It is important during this time to take good care of yourself and find solace in the remembrance of Allah (swt).
Spend time with loved ones who will be able to support you through this difficult time. Take some time to also do things that you enjoy. Free your mind from the problems. Try taking up a new hobby or learn something new. Focus on achieving some positive things. You gave 8 years of your life to support your marriage. Now use this time to focus on yourself.
Check out this counseling video:
To calm your anxieties regarding your concerns about how Allah (swt) will question you, there are a few important things to remember. Allah (swt) is the ultimate judge. Allah (swt) will not judge you for what you didn’t know. As a good wife, you trusted your husband.
Especially since he promised by an oath on Allah. In this case, you did nothing wrong. It is your husband who will be judged for swearing by Allah (swt) on a lie. You did as any good Allah-fearing wife would do. You trusted his words for the sake of Allah.
It is unfortunate that others are placing any blame on you, especially when you are going through so much already. But again, remember Allah (swt) is the only judge in this matter. Their perspective will not be relevant when it matters the most. Instead, focus on pleasing Allah (swt) and not others.
As your husband is now gone, he can’t rectify his mistakes. So, it is advised to try forgiving him and ask Allah (swt) for his forgiveness. You would hope for forgiveness as well. This will help to soften your heart to the wrong he did to you as well as ease your anxieties regarding how you will be questioned about the situation.
It will take time to overcome your grief as grief is something natural after a loved one’s death. With patience and faith in Allah (swt) you will pull through successfully.
May Allah (swt) bring you ease during these testing times and may you find comfort in His remembrance.
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