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Searching for a Wife, But I Have Phobia of Elder Siblings

26 November, 2022
Q Assalamu'alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.... I am trying to get married and my mother is finding a girl for me. I had past experiences where I got engaged with a girl and her elder siblings were kind of dominating me. Since then, I have developed a phobia of elder siblings. Also, my own elder brother has betrayed us. (Got married and broke off every connection from our family). This time I have told my mother that please find me a girl who is the eldest in the house. I wanted to know if I was wrong to search for a girl by this criteria. Does Islam give me a permission to find a girl with the above said criteria?

Answer

While you can search by the criteria of not having older siblings when you are looking for a spouse, you might miss out on some very good and valuable opportunities because of it. 

If you have had bad experiences, it does not mean that all elder siblings are bad. There are nice and kind in-laws who would treat you as if you were one of their own brothers.

And perhaps the misbehavior of your brother has more to do with his character than with being the older one.

When you have a potential spouse, try to get to know her better—in a halal way—and check the compatibility level, then get to know her family before you make the decision. 

What else is there to do to prevent marital problems because of other family members?

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.