I must say she is a good Muslim and does her best to cover up, but with the slightest error, I notice I turn emotional and feel like not speaking to her thereby creating issues for both of us.
What can I do differently?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
When discussing, practice the art of self-regulation.
Center respect and understanding. Remember to use “I” statements.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable even though it is uncomfortable to communicate something so emotionally charged.
When you communicate your emotions and what you would prefer and why your partner now has the option to respond through her words and actions. But remember, ultimately, it is your partner who makes the decision on how to respond.
Ultimately, you cannot force anyone to do anything. Decide whether this is an issue that is going to lead to divorce or not.
A conversation like this sets the stage for conversations in the future.
Wa alaikum asalam wa rahmatulla,
Congratulations on getting engaged. May Allah facilitate a healthy and joyful relationship.
The issue you brought up is a common one, but it is something that can be resolved. Recognizing the problem is the first step, but there is deeper reflective work to be done.
You noted that your reaction is based on your emotions, so it is not simply as easy as a habit change. The roots of the emotion must be discovered first.
There are some points to think about/consider:
Remember that everyone is on their own journey in their faith and trying their best.
If our emotions or disappointment don’t allow us to recognize a person’s effort or good intentions, it can cause issues, not just between us, but between the person and their faith.
Admonishing them instead of kindly advising can affect people’s willingness to get closer to deen. They may feel their intentions are being manipulated (ie. is she improving herself to not make you angry or is it for the sake of Allah)?
Stonewalling
Giving the cold shoulder or other ways that we use emotion to cut off communication is one of the most dangerous things that can occur in a relationship. Healthy communication is one of the foundations of healthy marriages. If we allow our emotions to lead us to stifle communication, resentment will build up.
It will seem like we are “punishing” the other person. In a marriage, your spouse is your partner in the eyes of Allah. Seeking to psychologically punish (through silent treatment or otherwise) should raise a red flag in our minds that we are not valuing the person as we should.
When we allow our emotions to hijack our thinking and influence our actions, we miss seeing the good the other person does for us. Not only that, but it blinds us to the reasons why someone may struggle with something. In a marriage, you are also a close friendship and that means highlighting the person’s virtues and understanding their struggles.
How to Understand the Roots of the Emotions:
Brother, the first thing to do is to analyze why it makes you feel emotional and then leads to the impulse to stop speaking or other forms of relational punishment.
Here are some questions you should reflect on in a word document. Take the time to do this alone and sit on the answers. No solution can come about until you actually reflect.
What emotions do you feel when you see what you describe as an immodest dress? Anger, sadness, jealousy? List them out so you can objectively see what you’re dealing with?
Why do you experience these emotions? Explore this question deeply. It’s not as simple as “she is doing something haram.” What is the root? Is it disappointment? Is it bringing up fears you have or insecurities you have? Take the most time on this question because it will give you the most clarity on how to discuss this issue with your partner?
What fears do you have surrounding this issue?
How Fear Works
Typically, when someone experiences intense emotion, fear is a major motivating factor behind the emotion. Fear will make us react in a way that is out of proportion to the actual issue. When we react this way, we lose an opportunity to either amend the issue OR be okay with it as it is.
What facts/truth do you have that counter these fears? For example, if fear is “my partner may not be practicing well and it is going to affect her iman,” then what facts do you know that tell you this fear isn’t real? For example, you mentioned she “tries her best” and is a good practicing Muslimah.
How do you think she feels when you address her in the way you do? What do you think that does/will do to her emotionally and mentally? How would you like it if somebody treated her the way you treat her? Sometimes, the emotions make us blind to the hurt we are causing someone.
Conclusion:
Once you understand what is linking heavy emotion to this issue for you, you now have a script you can use to have a discussion with your partner.
When discussing, practice the art of self-regulation. This means notice when you’re getting emotional and bring yourself back to a calm space. This might mean tabling the discussion if you can’t have it without getting overwhelmed.
Center respect and understanding. Remember to use “I” statements. As in, “I feel… I believe… I wish…” and avoid blameworthy language or definitive (ie. you always or you never).
Allow yourself to be vulnerable even though it is uncomfortable to communicate something so emotionally charged.
When you communicate your emotions and what you would prefer and why your partner now has the option to respond through her words and actions. But remember, ultimately,
it is your partner who makes the decision on how to respond.
She may be accommodating, or she may take some time to be accommodating, or she may decide to continue in the same way. Ultimately, you cannot force anyone to do anything.
If this is not an issue that is going to lead to divorce, then allow it to be an ongoing respectful discussion while also giving her space to make her own decisions and decide on compromises.
A conversation like this sets the stage for conversations in the future. If you guys feel respected and safe to discuss such issues, it will allow for meaningful conversations on ever bigger life decisions.
Premarital Class
One thing we discussed in our Premarital Masterclass is that when you get married, you marry someone in the state they are in. So, if this wasn’t a condition made upon initial engagement, it will take time to navigate.
I recommend following @thesecurerelationship on Instagram for more advice on how to navigate emotional discussions in the future.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.