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After Engagement, He Still Talks to Another Girl

Questioner

A

Reply Date

Feb 11, 2019

Question

Salaam Alaikum. I just got engaged to a guy last Monday. He was a friend of mine, and we didn't want to be in any haram relationship, so we thought to let our parents know about it. They don't know that we are actually friends; we planned things in this way. Alhamdulillah, he is a very religious guy and he seems to be very happy with our engagement.

The thing what is bothering me is that I am not sure if I'll be happy with him in the marriage. He talks to a girl who is in love with him, he told me about it. He says that he talks to her because she is too young and she might do something bad to herself if he does not talk to her. He has not even told her that we got engaged. I am not beautiful and I don't feel secure in this way. We met yesterday and he started shouting at me in front of his sister. Of course, he then apologized and I have enough patience to bear it, it's not a problem. But now, I think what if this happens after marriage as well? What if I lose my patience? Something like this has already happened two or three times after which he apologized. But still, all these things are bothering me a lot.

Sometimes, he doesn't even message me or call me. I even dreamt two-three times about him being with another girl. When I shared the dream with him, he agreed that he was busy chatting or talking to the other girl and then he apologized. Now, I know how he behaves when he talks to that girl. He has even told me many times that he does not like my way of thinking or that I can't be a good wife.

Once, he said he is compromising. I know, I am not beautiful and I think he got engaged to me just because of his sympathy for me or because he did not want to hurt me. I asked him many times about the reason why he wants to marry me. He said because I am a religious girl, I am good at heart and very patient. I have no idea what to do. I am very confused, wallahy. I can't talk to anyone about it.

My family is very happy, his family is very happy, too. They are friends. I don't know what to do. I have full faith in Allah and I have put my heart in his hands, but I am very upset because of what is happening. I already have many serious family problems and this thing is making me more depressed. Please, suggest me what to do.

Counselor

Answer


talking with another girl

In this counseling answer:

• You need to decide if his other relationship is a deal breaker. If you believe that it is, then you have to communicate that to him and stay committed to yourself.

• You must learn to love and value yourself before anyone else does. Appreciate yourself, build your self-esteem, and be grateful for all the positive qualities that you have.


Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,

Thank you for sending us your question. I ask Allah to help you through this difficult situation and to make the right decision for yourself.

Sister, it appears that you are not happy with how things are going in your relationship with your fiancé. There are many red flags that you have identified so far which absolutely need to be addressed seriously between the two of you. You have mentioned three significant issues that are in need of being addressed.

karim serageldin & naaila clay

The first issue is that your fiancé continues to have some sort of relationship with another girl. No matter what the reason may be, it is unacceptable by your standards (and by most people’s standards), and he needs to know how you feel about it.

You need to decide if his other relationship is a deal breaker. If you believe that it is, then you have to communicate that to him and stay committed to yourself. He certainly may give you as many excuses as he could. At the end of the day, you need to decide whether you are fine with this kind of behavior or not, because you will be the only one who will be putting up with it long-term after you are married.

The second issue that you have identified is that he gets angry and has yelled at you several times in front of people. During his angry outbursts, he has also been verbally abusive towards you when he said that he doesn’t think you will make a good wife, he is compromising in this marriage, etc. Even though you have mentioned that he has apologized after every angry outburst, it still indicates a serious issue in his character that needs to be addressed openly and honestly.

Have you said such hurtful things to him while you were angry with him? If not, then that is because you are able to control your anger better and that you have a certain standard for yourself in which you believe you should not humiliate those around you. Again, you have to honestly ask yourself if you are fine with his behavior and whether you will believe him or not if he continues to apologize to you, but with no change in his behavior.

The final issue that you need to address with yourself is your constant tendency to put yourself down. This is something that only you can help yourself overcome. You mentioned throughout your question that you feel insecure about your looks and somehow you may feel grateful towards your fiancé that he chose you despite that. This underlying feeling of insecurity that you have will continue to haunt you throughout your life and affect your decision making.

You must learn to love and value yourself before anyone else does. Appreciate yourself, build your self-esteem, and be grateful for all the positive qualities that you have. Identify the qualities that you don’t like about yourself and work on them – for your sake and no one else’s. Love the person who you are before getting married and before doing anything else.


Check out this counseling video:


As I read your question, I could see that the reasons you give yourself to accept less than perfect situations always have something to do with you not being good enough, or not important enough. You end your question by mentioning that he is happy, your family, and his family is happy with this engagement and you may not want to spoil their happiness by addressing the negative issues that are bothering you.

What you must understand my dear sister is that you must respect and value yourself before expecting others to do so. If you are concerned about something, speak up. You are an important part of this engagement. If you are not satisfied, it will not be successful.

I ask Allah to help you believe in yourself and to give you the courage to make the right decisions for yourself.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aliah F. Azmeh

Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.

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