I’m in love with this boy although he is much younger than me. He’s 17 and I’m 25. I can't stop thinking about him. I have to see this person almost every day as we work together and I avoid him, but it’s uncomfortable. And it’s hard to see this guy mingling with other girls. I don't know anything about him, yet I let my heart craving for this guy told him. He doesn't make friends with me and doesn't care about me. I told him about my crush on him, but he isn't interested.
In addition, my life is really hard without much emotional support from my parents. My dad passed away and this boy reminds me of him. I don't know what to do. I feel used. How can I avoid this problem in the future? How can I interact with men without starting to like them? It always happens that I start liking them.
In this counseling answer:
The first and effective step to overcoming someone is not seeing, hearing, or reading about the person.
Be strong and seek refuge with Allah. If you can’t avoid this boy because he is a co-worker, maybe change your schedule if you can’t deal with him and it would make things way easier.
Or be patient and with time the feelings will go away.
If it isn’t possible, ask your manager to change your locker, or try anything to avoid close contact with him.
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,
First of all, you will not like every man that you will work, study or interact with. I don’t see why you feel in love with this boy. Reading your question, you mention how much you got involved with him, but you did not mention anything that makes him special. What character traits does he have?
It is probably because you aren’t really in love and this is a crush; a strong pull or attraction to someone even when we know nothing about them. It is usually physical attraction or fantasy attraction (we create a self-appealing image of the person and fall in love with this image).
You mention that you lost your father and it seemed to be recent. What I believe happens is that you are trying to fill this void of masculine validation which you no longer have since the loss of your father, God rest his soul.
Think about it sister; this boy is 17 years old, his experience of life is very limited and his own personality is not yet fully established.
It is possible that what made you attracted to him was the attention he gave you in the first place.
With your main masculine figure no longer around, you had to find this validation with someone else, and it happened that you met him around the same time you were lacking attention.
On the top of that, you mentioned you don’t have emotional support from your family, so it is clear that you found in your co-worker the validation you don’t have at home.
I understand that is might seem too practical and hard to understand at first. But try to put your emotions aside and use your reason to acknowledge that this feeling is not real love, and I assure you it will go away with time and focus elsewhere. Furthermore, Allah tells us:
“As for the one who is conscious of Allah, He prepares for him a way out. And He provides for him from sources that he could never imagine.” (Qur’an 65:2-3)
Right now, you feel confused and find it hard to overcome your feeling, but remember sister that Shaitan’s primary job is to divert believers from their path. His whispers convince you that this lust is real love, and this forbidden relationship is so appealing.
Be strong and seek refuge in Allah. If you can’t avoid this boy because he is a co-worker, maybe change your schedule if you can’t deal with him and it would make things way easier.
Or be patient and with time the feelings will go away. If it isn’t possible, ask your manager to change your locker, or try anything to avoid close contact with him.
Check out this counseling video:
It is actually good that he blocked you on social media. The first and effective step to overcoming someone is not seeing, hearing, or reading about the person.
I know it is not easy and one is curious, but to keep in mind that to look for the person through social media, email, or text won’t help the process. There is no such thing as “we can be friends”. It all could be avoided if you haven’t spent time alone with him in the first place, and that is why Allah commanded male and females never to be alone.
You have a professional relationship with him which should be restricted to good manners and that is all.
Other than avoiding physical and social contact, start doing things you love outside work and keep yourself busy with other enjoyable and productive outlets. Learn the lesson here sister and give it time; you will move on. This crush you feel now will pass.
May Allah guide you on your journey,
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