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I Wish He Breaks Up with His Girlfriend & Marries Me

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Jul 25, 2019

Question

I love a guy and he is 3 years elder. We haven't been in a relationship but I got intimate with him. I am still a virgin. I did it because I loved him and I still love him. I don't want to move on. I don't want anyone except him. We were not even in any sort of relationship. He just calls me his friend and before getting intimate I knew his feelings for me won't change. But I still want him. I made dua to get married to him in my namaaz. I know what we did was haram so I started repenting for my sins too.

After getting intimate I asked him to start a relationship. I asked him if he can give me a chance? He never answered my that question. A few weeks ago, I forced him to give me a final answer because I cannot be his sex toy. I am not that kind of girl. He got frustrated and said no he doesn't want me as his girlfriend. I got angry and started shouting at him. He cut all his contacts with me. I was the one asking for forgiveness. He forgave me but just because he was angry with me he got into a relationship with some other girl. She is 5 years elder to him.

She always forced him to marry her. He always refused. But after fighting with me, he all of a sudden made her his girlfriend. I know he doesn't love her. But he always tells me that he loves her and is happy with her. I know he doesn't love her because before fighting with me he used to make fun of her and he also fought with her.

He had even blocked her on WhatsApp many times. He used to tell me that she is out of his life but then after fighting with me he brought her back into his life. I don't want their relationship to continue. I want him to marry me. I want us to start a relationship in a halal manner. So, I wanted to ask, can I ask Allah in my dua for their break up?

Counselor

Answer


I Wish He Breaks Up with His Girlfriend & Marries Me

In this counseling answer:

• I kindly suggest that you make a list of all the attributes of love. What qualities does the man you hope to marry have that would stir feelings of love?

• Respect yourself. Chose potential husbands who will treat you as a potential wife, not a “temporary sex toy” (as you said).

• I kindly suggest dear sister that you look at this situation for what it is – an experience. Repent to Allah for the haram you did and make du’aa’ to Allah to remove this boy from your heart, mind, and desires. Value yourself.”


As Salamu ‘Alaykum sister,

Thank you for writing to us. As I understand your situation, you love a guy but he states you are just friends. You also stated you did intimate things with him but you are still a virgin. Now he has cut off all contact with you and is with a girl that he used to talk to (and block) on WhatsApp.

First of all, you stated that “We were not even in any sort of relationship. He just calls me his friend and before getting intimate I knew his feelings for me won’t change”. So, you were and still are aware that his feelings did not and will not change for you.

I Wish He Breaks Up with His Girlfriend & Marries Me - About Islam

Sister, if you knew his feelings will not change and he has told you they will not change, why do you still pursue him? Don’t you feel you deserve a future husband who feels the same way about you that you do about him? Why would you want someone who does not want you?

Sister, what is your idea of love? I kindly suggest that you make a list of all the attributes of love. What qualities does the man you hope to marry have that would stir feelings of love? Insha’Allah sister, please make a list of these qualities/ideas of love. Next, to each word, description or phrase make a check for those qualities that fit this boy you claim you love. Next, check off qualities attributes that you yourself would bring as a potential wife. This will insha’Allah give you a clearer picture of what it is you are truly seeking opposed to what you think it is that you want.

I understand also that possibly this was your first intimate experience.  Often times when we have our first encounter (even though you are still a virgin), it leads to a chemical addiction (for lack of a better term) to that person. After all, intimacy is just that right? Intimate.  Therefore, the experience you had with him only imploded your feelings for him by trying in the sexual component.


Check out this counseling video:


I kindly suggest dear sister that you look at this situation for what it is – an experience. Repent to Allah for the haram you did and make du’aa’ to Allah to remove this boy from your heart, mind, and desires. Value yourself.

You are a beautiful Muslimah with your whole life ahead of you. You deserve to be loved back. You deserve to be respected, but you first need to love and respect yourself. Love yourself enough to stop chasing this boy and let him go. He does not want to be with you-you even said this.

Respect yourself. Chose potential husbands who will treat you as a potential wife, not a “temporary sex toy” (as you said). You are valuable and worth more than “play time”. Move on with your life and draw closer to Allah. It is there you will find what you are truly looking for and yearning for.

As you see this is temporary, our relationship with Allah is eternal. It comes with many blessings – if we chose to live fully and completely within our Creators guidelines for us.

I know this is probably not what you want to hear my dear sister, but I am praying that one day soon you will have one of those “aha” moments and everything will make sense. You can’t find love in one who uses you and you can’t force someone to be with you for a lifetime when it was known by both of you to be a hot minute type of thing. Seek the lasting, not the lust. You deserve so much better than this.

As far as asking Allah in prayer for their breakup, you can ask, but Allah doesn’t “work” that way.

First of all, you have no claims on him. It’s not like you are married to him and he’s cheating on you.

Additionally, you both commit haram. He is probably still committing haram (Allah forgive me if I am wrong) and there are no blessings in that.

Lastly, why do you persist in wanting someone who does not want you? That is not the way love or marriage works.

So, you can ask Allah for that, but I highly suggest that you do not. It’s kind of like a negative request on someone’s life choices. I would not even attempt to “play” with my Lord with such a request.

I urge you, sister, to live in the light of your own growth and relationship with Allah. Strengthen that and watch your blessings multiply.

We wish you the best.

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

The Boy I Love Cheated on Me with a Non-Muslim

How to Stop Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You




About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

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