I’m in Love with a Non-Muslim Guy; What Shall I Do?

13 October, 2019
Q During my 2 years at college, I never made many friends, only a few. One of these friends happened to be a boy, who I was very good friends with and eventually happened to fall in love with him.

However, this was unexpected for the both of us because he had some confusion about his sexuality and believed he leaned towards being gay. Therefore, neither of us saw this happening and the thought never crossed our mind.

But then eventually I started growing feelings for him, but I never directly told him because I believed it could never happen anyway so I kept it to myself. Then I received a call from my friend and he explained how he felt about me. He was a Hindu and I was a Muslim. I told him it could never work. And I knew that regardless of how good of a person he may be, my family would never accept him and I tried to make him aware of that.

However, he told him that he would talk to my family and that we could make it work and what not, and somewhere in my heart I also believed this, so I got into a relationship with him. We were together for a few months and my sister eventually found out, and of course, voiced her disapproval. However, I didn’t listen because I held onto the fact that religion shouldn’t get in the way of love. My sister let me be, and I continued with him.

Then fast forward to now, my mother is also now aware. She has also voiced her disapproval about how he is non-Muslim and he’s not even sure about his sexuality so the family will never accept him. Although I argued I chose to break up with him because I didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

I still love him and want to be with him, I don’t know what to do. I know my family will disown me if I pursue him. But I love him, and I don’t believe that it’s right for me to give up on him. If I did pursue a relationship with him, would Allah forgive me?

Answer


In this counseling answer:

• Please, understand these protective rules of marriage are not isolated to Islam and your family; his own family would most likely not be in favor of this relationship either.

• Cut the connection.

• Identify your coping skills.

• Find true love in worshipping Allah.

• Make a vow today for yourself, say bismillah and make this effort for Allah (swt).

Talk to your family with honesty.

Avoid being alone with non-mahram men.

Pray istikhara.


As-salamu alaikum wah rahmatullahi wa barakatu,

Thank you for taking the time to write in and sharing your feelings with us.

It is my understanding you feel love for a college peer who happens to be Hindu. It is also my understanding you were both involved in a secret relationship for months.

I’m in Love with a Non-Muslim Guy; What Shall I Do? - About Islam

To begin with, sister, you are only 18 and this is, I assume, your first experience with these types of emotions. I know that right now it seems like no one else can compare and he is the best possible husband. I promise you, inshallah, not only could these feelings go away over time, but you could find yourself in deeper love with someone else.

Marriage

Let us immediately address the topic of marriage with this boy.  I know this is not easy on you, but we have a direct command within the Quran regarding this type of marriage.

“And do not marry polytheistic women until they believe. And a believing slave woman is better than a polytheist, even though she might please you. And do not marry polytheistic men [to your women] until they believe. And a believing slave is better than a polytheist, even though he might please you.” [Quran 2:221]

Hindu parents traditionally prefer their children to marry other Hindus, often within their own social and religious class. I noticed you did not mention his family and their reaction. If he has never expressed this to you, then this is a bad sign because he knows this better than I do.

Please, understand these protective rules of marriage are not isolated to Islam and your family; his own family would most likely not be in favor of this relationship either.

I imagine you dream of a happy marriage one day with supportive family and children, inshallah. How does that happen if both families are against the union and disagree over faith? How would that affect the children caught in the middle?

I know movies like to say love is all you need. However, that is only in the movies and not reality.

Red Flags

You mentioned he expressed talking to your family about this so you decided to be in a relationship with him. Then your sister found out a few months later. This tells me he never spoke with your family. It also tells me he knows what to say in order to get what he wants from you.

While telling us about your sister and mom, there was no mention of his family’s reaction. If he has never had a conversation with you about his own family, then once again, he knows what to say to you. Did his family ever know about you? I know that question hurts, but it is the harsh reality.

This young man could have been manipulating you the whole time with false promises. He may not have even questioned his sexuality but used that to give you a false sense of security. I am not trying to hurt your feelings; I am trying to give you honesty. Some men in this world will say and do anything to get what they want from a woman. Especially when they are young and seen as vulnerable.

Ending the Relationship

You mentioned breaking up with him after speaking with your Mother. This is a good first step, but maintaining this is the real test.


Check out this counseling video:


Here are some ways to help you while you recover:

Cut the Connection Completely

You might feel the temptation to contact him again, even just as friends. You can think of this like putting drugs in front of a drug addict. This only makes the process more difficult and invites shaitan back in. It is important you create distance between yourself and him. Delete contact information and block social media. You are detoxing him.

Identify Your Coping Skills

Coping skills are techniques used to minimize stress or negative situations. Find a positive activity that will help redirect your mind during the difficult moments. For example, when you are thinking about him at home, take out a journal and write poetry if that eases your mind. Some other examples would be nature walks, reading Quran or exercise.

Fasting and Du’aa’

Our Prophet (peace be upon him) encouraged us to fast as a means of controlling our impulses and keeping us more conscious of our faith. In addition to fasting, make du’aa’ and reach out to Allah (most honored, most revered). Ask Him for help during these tough times, ask Him to guide you and provide you with a good marriage.

Find True Love in Prayer

Sister, the purest and deepest love is the one between you and Allah (swt). Reflect on one of his names, Al-Wadud. It means The Most Loving, Most Affectionate, Beloved, The Loving-Kindness!

Slow down during prayers. Feel it. Let it all out on your prayer mat and find comfort in the loving embrace of faith.

“O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient [Quran 2:153]

Talk to Mom

Your mother has your best interest at heart. She loves you more than you know. She is able to identify hardships in this union that you are not able to understand yet. Trust her, confide in her and invest time in honest communication. It will help you vent those painful feelings and inshallah deepen your bond with mom.

Moving Forward

As you heal from this, take time to ensure it does not happen again. I encourage you to make a vow not only to yourself but also to Allah (swt). Do this for your faith and you are more likely to stick to it.

In the future, when you find interest in a man, talk to your mother. Let her know how you feel and what is happening.

When we have romantic feelings for someone, it puts blinders on our eyes. We only see the good and ignore the bad side, but mothers see it all. Your family is a great resource to help you.

Avoid being alone with men. This is a part of our faith and absolutely is a protection for women. If you have to do a school project with a male, do it in the classroom or a public library. Better yet, ask your professor to assign you, female partners.

Always pray istikhara over small and large decisions. Marriage is never to be taken lightly. It will change your world and not always for the better.

Final Thoughts

To summarize, your steps towards healing and preventing this from happening again.

  • Cut the connection
  • Identify coping skills
  • Fasting, Duaa
  • Find true love in worship
  • Make a vow today for yourself, say bismillah and make this effort for Allah (swt)
  • Talk to your family with honesty
  • Avoid being alone with non-mahram men
  • Pray istikhara

Your closing statements talked about your family disowning you if you pursued this man and you questioned if Allah (Swt) would forgive you. I urge you to see this from a different perspective. If you go after this young man, you are trying to force your family to permit what is haram and go against the guidance in Quran.

Allah (Swt) has more love for you than you can imagine. Seek his forgiveness with true intention to avoid repeating those actions. Rely upon that divine love to get you over this temporary young love. Allah (swt) guided you to write in to us, this shows He wants you to make the best decisions.

May Allah (swt) guide you on the best path, heal your heart and fill it with his light and love,

Ameen.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

In Love with a Non-Muslim Woman, What to Do?

I’m a non-Muslim, But I Love a Muslim Man

I Fell in Love with a Non-Muslim Guy

About Monique Hassan
Monique Hassan graduated with honors in 2012 with her BSc in Psychology and a minor in Biology and is certified in Crisis Prevention and Intervention. She has years of professional as well as personal experience with trauma, relationship struggles, substance abuse, identifying coping skills, conflict resolution, community outreach, and overall mental health concerns. She is a professional writer specialized in Islamic Psychology and Behavioral Health. She is also a revert who took her shahada in 2015, Alhamdulillah. You can contact Sister Monique Hassan via her website "MoniqueHassan.com"