I ignored my feelings for a long time, but when in my final years my parents started getting marriage proposals for me and started discussing it with me, I found out that I feel like I cannot give my heart to anyone else except for this classmate.
I cannot think anyone else but him. I try to forget him a lot, but he always comes to my mind even when I wake up from sleep at midnight. I cannot even propose to him as he is in another relationship. What can I do?
In this counseling answer:
• When you are thinking of marriage, you need to consider the person’s piety above everything else.
• You should not even think about proposing to him because he is already in another relationship.
• I would also advise you to read and listen to lectures about marriage.
• I would suggest that you talk to your parents about the marriage proposals they have been getting.
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Dear Sister,
Thank you for placing your trust in our ability to propose a solution to your current situation.
From what you have described yourself, you seem to be confusing your own feelings.
Although you mention that you cannot stop thinking about him, it is because you are not trying to stop thinking about him. You are obsessed with him.
You described him as someone who is in another “relationship”. However, dear sister, there is no “relationship” besides marriage.
You seem to be a person of consciousness, of righteousness, and of understanding. Why are you thinking about someone who is clearly unaware of the guidelines set by Allah (swt) and has been in relationships outside of marriage? A righteous individual would never go as far as to be indulged in another relationship before marriage.
Allah (swt) has advised us to lower our gazes and avoid unnecessarily being in the company of people from the opposite sex. Given such guidelines from Allah (swt), any Allah-fearing individual would never consider being in any relationship outside marriage.
Allah (swt) even advised us to be careful when considering potentials for marriage. We should limit meeting and always have a chaperone present. This is because when two individuals of opposite gender are alone, the Shaitan always brings about temptations.
When you are thinking of marriage, you need to consider about the person’s piety above everything else. In essence, nothing really matters in the end besides the piety of an individual. If he fears and loves Allah (swt), he will keep his wife happy. If he loves Allah (swt), he will be seeking halal ways of earning money. If he loves Allah (swt), he will love hard work and righteousness in all aspects of his life. If he loves Allah (swt), he will be a good father. And if he loves Allah (swt), he will be a source of obtaining Jannah for yourself and your future children. In sha’ Allah.
Marriage is considered half your Deen. Therefore, you should think about marrying someone who is capable of balancing the worldly affairs and the religious affairs while keeping Allah (swt) in mind.
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Next, you should not even think about proposing to him because he is already in another relationship. Although the relationship may be haram at this point, it could be that they both may be genuinely interested in each other and can perhaps pursue marriage. You need to avoid thinking about him as he is with another person.
Also, you should not think about proposing to him either because if he has been in haram relationships before marriage, he can possibly succumb to his past habits after marriage, for which you will be considerably under stress and continuous unhappiness in the long term.
Many divorces, abusive and unhappy marriages are a result of the two spouses not being aware of each other before marriage, hence, not being compatible in terms of religion, worldly affairs or desires and aspirations afterward.
Therefore, Allah (swt) has shown you the real side of your classmate so that you may be aware of his reality and his trueness to Allah (swt). Allah (swt) basically hinted that you must stop thinking about him as he is clearly not on the right path.
In my opinion, your thoughts about him are a result of your desires rather than love or even true interest. You need to try to forget your classmate.
I would advise you to think more about Allah (swt) and pleasing Him. Thinking about Allah (swt) will create a barrier between you and your feelings for Him.
You should also try to lower your gaze.
I would also advise you to read and listen to lectures about marriage. Marriage is an important part of life and is a Sunnah of the Prophet (saw). However, this does not mean that we jump to a decision after seeing one person who we are sure is perhaps not the best choice.
In addition, I would suggest that you talk to your parents about the marriage proposals they have been getting. Marriage is a blessing from Allah (swt), and if Allah (swt) is sending proposals your way, you should consider them and think about them. Perhaps by seeing the proposals that Allah (swt) has sent your way, your thoughts will stop wandering towards your classmate and you will feel much happier.
I hope my answer provided the solution you were looking for. I pray that Allah (swt) blesses you with a pious and a loving husband very soon, in sha’ Allah.
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