Disabled But Want to Marry This Lady

23 March, 2021
Q Assalam Alaikum. I have been reading your Q&A's for quite some time now, and I made up my mind to write to you and discuss a personal problem which is ruining my life. I am a physically handicapped person who is unable to walk. But I live independently and I work in a reputed company as a Senior Engineer. Although, I have lot of challenges in life, I need support in some of my daily life activities. Few years ago, I made friendship with a woman of my age on social media. Later, I came to know that she was my family’s friend and a widow. I started having conversions with her about life and stuff. The more we talked, the more I realized she is a decent practicing Muslim lady and a very good human who is ready for any test but wants JANNAH in the hereafter. She motivated me in getting out of my sadness and depression. This friendship continued for 2 years wherein I felt I was in love with her. I never wanted to be the reason for her to get into any trouble, because I felt she is the one who can complete my OTHER HALF of DEEN, she is the one who can get me closer to ALLAH. She is a kind of person I know will defiantly make me a better muslim, inshallah. One day, I asked her permission to get married. I told her that I need her permission to approach her parents, and I would love to have her as my lawfully wedded wife. I even told her that she should overlook on my physical disabilities and just give me a chance to be a better human and husband for her. But she declined saying that her father would never agree, and she won’t go against her dad. Now she is going to get married to someone in their family, but she isn’t happy with it as she is still in love with her husband who passed away very shortly after marriage. I am praying for her, making dua for her, sometimes in tahajjud, sometimes in sajood. I always pray to Allah for her happiness, but I also pray like " O Allah, I want her to be my wife; I want her to help me come closer to you; I want her to help me with my deen and duniya". Is making such dua selfish, knowing that I am physically challenged and won’t be able to comfort her much? I don’t want to lose a person like her. What should I do? I see myself a better Muslim with her; what’s the next step? Sometimes I feel I am not a good person who would deserve her. Please help.

Answer

Answer:

As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum my dear brother in Islam,

Thank you for complimenting our answers. It makes me feel much rewarded that you follow our answers and like them; maybe that means I might be saying the right thing(s) sometimes, In Sha’ Allah, by the Mercy and Guidance of Allah.

Secondly, feel assured, I, and all of the aboutislam.net staff, will always conceal your—and every other patron’s—identity; however, your question and my answer will be posted on the onislam.net website, just like the ones that you read before deciding to ask of me, in order to benefit others who are in the same or similar situation like you, in sha’ Allah.

Now, to discuss your issue: My dear brother, what you describe of yourself, of how you turn to Allah for all your needs impresses me tremendously. It is truly beautiful and may Allah reward you! So, please do not say that you do not “deserve” a good wife whom you love. It sounds to me like you do deserve nothing other than such a wife!

Please remember that Allah tests the hardest the ones He loves the most. So, try to look at your struggles as blessings. It helps to remember that this life is fleeting and the next is permanent—the “Real” Life. I know that this does not take the pain away—it is not supposed to. If things did not hurt, they would not be “tests”. However, it makes it easier for you to bear the pain because you understand its purpose.

Now, that is not to say that you won’t get your desire(s) for this woman met. You may, and that would be a wonderful blessing from everything that you have told us. It is to say that if she still will not marry you, you will be able to bear it better IF you remember that the whole thing is a test which was especially designed for you by Allah, to help you get to Jannah, In Sha’ Allah.

Whether she marries you or not, remember everything is from Allah, and Allah is good, so everything is good—we might just not be able to see how! Even Shaitan is good in the sense that he is good for us to make us think. If we did not have our thoughts challenged by false thoughts, how would we know what was true and what was not true? If negativity did not exist, would we be able to appreciate what good feels like? In other words, it feels good to eat when we feel hungry, but it actually does not feel good to eat when we are not hungry. It feels good to sleep when we are exhausted, but we do not like sleeping when we are not feeling tired, etc. Sometimes, I wonder how the paradigm of Paradise will be when this is the way our body works and we will never want for anything in Paradise. The best answer I have been able to come up with so far is that it will always feel good because of how much we suffered in this life, which we will never forget, so it will always be the “relief”, In Sha’ Allah—and Allah Knows Best!

Even Hell is good in a way because it is purification of sins for those who will then be taken out and enter Paradise. When we sin, we love to get purified of them. To do this, we do things which make us suffer (like give money in charity which makes us not have some money we may have needed for other things). We feel we need to “suffer” to compensate for our sin(s). Some people shave their head. Some people take showers to wash the sin(s) away, like our practice of making wudu’ to wash our sins away. It is not “suffering”, but my point is that we need to separate ourselves from our sins, and that is what Hellfire does for certain people, which ultimately is good, even though it feels horrible at the time. Some people do haram things like cut themselves (which I do not agree with, but I am just making the point that pain makes us feel that we are purifying ourselves).

So, all that to say, if she wants to marry you, then great, if not, you can take it, In Sha’ Allah, with the Help of Allah—if you keep the mindset that your suffering is from Allah NOT because you don’t deserve her, but because Allah is blessing you with a really hard test, or He is saving you from something which you cannot see or feel now, or He has something better in store for you. Allah knows best, but be sure that everything happens serves a great purpose.

About her suffering (having to marry someone she does not love): Please tell her that she is not obliged Islamically to marry her parent’s choice if she does not agree with the choice. Please see below our scholar’s opinion on arranged/forced marriage.

Lastly, please do not think that this woman is the only woman in the world who may be right for you. Many women I know would marry a disabled man “in a heartbeat”, so to speak, if she felt he would be good to her. We (women) hear so many “horror stories” about how badly some husbands treat their wives, because they don’t understand women or their role as providers and protectors. Some men think that they can be spoiled brats, getting whatever they want. They think women are supposed to be their slaves instead of their equals (except for “one degree”). And, many women have been victims of that same huge problem with men misunderstanding the meaning of leadership. So, do not think for a minute that because you are disabled, you will not be able to find a good wife. In Sha’ Allah, you will.

In fact, the fact that this woman talked to you for years and then won’t marry you is a real concern to me. That was unfair to you, in my humble opinion. That was her first mistake. Her second is to not want to marry a disabled man. Knowing what I know about what men are like these days, I believe, finding a good man is rare and needs to be preserved and cherished and grabbed (excuse the term!). So, maybe she is not the right woman for you because of her shortsightedness—if she is shortsighted. Maybe I’ve got it wrong about her and Allah forgive me if I am backbiting.

May Allah Make it easy for you and help you and give you the self-confidence you “deserve” for your beautiful righteousness!

Salam,

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About Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem
Nasira S. Abdul-Aleem, an American, has a BA in English from UC Berkeley and is about to receive an MS degree in counseling psychology (Marriage and Family Therapy - MFT) from the Western Institute for Social Research. For over ten years, Nasira worked as a psychotherapist with the general public and in addiction recovery.For the last few years, she has been a life coach specializing in interpersonal relations. Nasira also consults with her many family members who studied Islam overseas and returned to America to be Imams and teachers of Islam. Muslims often ask Nasira what psychology has to do with Islam. To this, she replies that Islam is the manifestation of a correct understanding of our psychology. Therapists and life coaches help clients figure out how to traverse the path of life as a Believer, i.e., "from darkness into light", based on Islam and given that that path is an obstacle course, according to Allah.