Afraid of Wedding Night Disaster

29 June, 2020
Q As-Salamu Aleikom.

I have a serious problem. I hope I can get help here.

My problem is that I am afraid I will quickly ejaculate during sex. I am still single, hoping to get married next year.

But any time I visit my fiancée, I notice some drops of water (sperm?) on my underwear.

I have tried out some drugs, but up till now I cannot see any result.

These incidents scare me. Please advise me. Thank you.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

Based on the medical science of how our bodies function, what you experience is not only normal but needed when you get married and begin to have sex.

Just as you and your future wife will “grow into each other”, your fears will also diminish when it comes to performance in the bedroom.

Focus on other aspects of being a good husband as the sexual part will work itself out naturally.


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum brother,

Thank you for writing in with your most important question. Your concern is a very common one which many men worry about. The drops of water you experience when you see your fiancée is normal.

Completely Normal

It is a response to being aroused and your body’s way of preparing for sexual intercourse. Medical terminology oftentimes calls this “pre-cum”, a lubricant excreted by the penis when one is engaging in sexual acts or is aroused.

SexInfo states that “The bulbourethral (also known as Cowper’s) glands secrete fluid not only during ejaculation but also during sexual arousal. The fluid released during arousal is known as pre-ejaculate, preseminal fluid, or “pre-cum”, and may (but not always) be seen as a few drops of clear fluid emitted from the tip of the penis. Pre-ejaculate serves to neutralize the acidity of the man’s urethra, as a lubricant, and as a seminal coagulant”.

Based on the medical science of how our bodies function, what you experience is not only normal but needed when you get married and begin to have sex. The drop of fluid or “pre-cum” act as a lubricant to prepare both you and your wife for more pleasurable sex.

Additionally, for your information, women also “get wet” when they are aroused.  While it may be more noticeable for the men, human physiology works in a way that creates a complimentary medium for both men and women.

Afraid of Wedding Night Disaster - About Islam

The mind is a funny thing, brother. The more we think about something that bothers us, the larger the problem can appear to be. While you are worried that you may ejaculate too quickly, you must realize that, as a virgin, your body is not yet trained to have instant sexual endurance.

While you may experience long stamina the first time, usually men build up stamina and endurance by performing regular sex as one does when married.

When you are married, you will enjoy all the benefits of marriage including sex. As your body gets used to the new and wonderful sensations of sexual pleasure, it will adapt and you may begin to be able to control when to ejaculate when you are intimate with your wife.

Other men, however, fear they will have premature ejaculation only to find that when their “big night” arrives, they are so excited, or they experience anxiety to a point where they cannot ejaculate! Either way, it goes, it will be normal, and in time you will be in sync with your wife’s body and her to yours.


Check out this counseling video:


Work on character

In the meantime, I kindly suggest you focus on other aspects of being a good husband as the sexual part will work itself out naturally. Take some Islamic courses in marriage preparation, spirituality in marriage, responsibilities in marriage, as well as classes in effective marital communication as this, will build upon your skills as a husband prior to marriage.

I would also kindly suggest that you and your fiancée attend pre-marriage seminars if your masjid has them (but you can find such courses online). These are wonderful classes that couples often take together to better prepare for the lifelong journey of being husband and wife.

The classes cover an array of topics such as getting to know one another as husband and wife, Islamic guidelines for successful marriages, listening and communication skills, children, creating balanced and close in-law relationships as well as other interesting and helpful topics.

In the Qur’an, Allah (swt) states,

“Your wives are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them” (2:187)  

Comfort one another

Allah (swt) in His great mercy made husbands and wives to be a comfort and joy to each other as well as a garment that covers, protects and acts as an adornment. Husbands and wives are to be a comfort to each other, to uplift each other, protect each other and grow together Islamically.

Marriage puts an affection and love between two people. They naturally want to help each other and do nice things for one another. They are helpmates to one another.

Marriage is a safeguard not just for prevention of zina, but in so many other ways. When we marry, we have someone (ideally) who protects us, takes care of us when we are sick, laughs at our jokes, up builds us when we are down, and shares our life.

Conclusion

Brother, I am discussing marriage in relation to your fear and anxiety about premature ejaculation because, as you can see, marriage is a building process and one that, in sha’ Allah, will be a joy and will be solidified by many things.

Just as you and your future wife will “grow into each other”, your fears will also diminish when it comes to performance in the bedroom. Have faith that what you are experiencing is normal, and know that once you are married you will fit like garments, in sha’ Allah, perfectly made for each other as Allah (swt) intended.

As Muslims, we believe that the recipe for good things is contained in accepting the sovereignty of Allah (swt) and acting upon the guidance He (swt) has sent down. Thus, keep your future marriage in prayer and focus on other things to prepare you for this marriage, as the sexual part will come naturally between you. Allah (swt) says,

“Indeed, this Qur’an guides to that which is most suitable…” (17:9)

We wish you the best, brother. You are in our prayers.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

https://aboutislam.net/tag/marriage-first-night/

About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach.
Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.