Answer
Salam alaikom dear sister,
Thank you for writing to us. You write that you are very definite in your willingness to marry a specific person who is very pious and religious (you also mentioned that he is a scholar). Due to your strong conviction, you have already rejected some proposals at your home.
Your question is whether these strong feelings are the sign of fate meaning that the marriage will happen in one day.
My sister, I do not understand exactly: do you personally know each other? Or is this scholar a well-known community member? Have you had any personal contact with him? Has he ever approached you (and your family) with a marriage proposal?
In my answer, I am trying to touch upon the following possibilities.
If He Has Already Approached You
If he has ever approached you with a marriage proposal, what were the obstacles that you were not able to accept? Was it something beyond your control, like your family rejected the idea, or there were not enough fulfilling conditions for the marriage?
If this is the case, try to revise these obstacles: are they still existing? And let your family know that you still have a genuine interest, and ask them for their support and help.
If You Know Each Other, and You Feel Strongly Attracted to Him
If yes, you know each other, then what are exactly the reasons you would like to marry him?
Is it physical attraction, maybe attraction towards his pious character? Is it something beyond that? Piety and good character are definitely important aspects of a successful marriage. But besides this, why do you think that you would be a good match as husband and wife?
Please write down your thoughts. Also, write down your criteria; what are the most important characteristics to you in a person? What are your most important needs in a relationship? What personality traits can you tolerate well and which cannot?
I am asking these questions because I think when there is a strong emotional attraction towards a person, even if you know each other, you might look over some aspects of possible incompatibility. And if these aspects are not addressed prior to the marriage, they can cause disturbance in the long run.
Involve Your Family
That is why my first advice is to try to answer these questions. Then I would involve your closest family members, whom you trust and love, and ask for their opinion and help. If they know both of you, they can share their insight about your potential union.
They can also help you with approaching this person. I mean, your father, your brother, or someone who could find out if there is a possible interest from his side as well.
That would be good because it could clarify whether there is a real possibility for your marriage or not. If yes, then alhamdulillah, you can go ahead and fulfill your dreams and marry this person.
And if for some reason, there is not, it would be time to accept it, move on and give space for new opportunities that are meant for you instead.
Idealization?
If you do not know each other in “real life” because there is an existing distance between you, then this is a different story.
So, if you feel attracted to someone who is far away from you and there is a strong element of “fantasy” without enough real information about the other person, I would advise you to reflect upon the possibility of idealization.
Idealization, including infatuation, is a type of self-deception that is based on the projection of certain beliefs ascribed to a person you may even not know. These beliefs are perceived as such, and may not reflect reality, as you lack real experience and knowledge about the individual.
What does this mean? That you ascribe all your hopes, dreams, and expectations to a person, who will then be the ideal potential spouse in your eyes. And basically, you end up falling in love with your own ideas and hopes.
The danger is that in the light of this “perfect match”, you might reject real proposals, as no one will be able to reach this idealized level. My dear sister, can you relate your rejections to this somehow?
This attraction and strong sentiments can be obsessive and go hand in hand with recurrent thoughts and fantasies about this relationship. You can “create” a non-existing bond, and live according to it.
The Causes of Idealization
What causes idealization?
It is a kind of self-defense when you protect yourself from the conflicts and harms of a real relationship. A “real” relationship is not perfect, you also have to deal with hurtful emotions and conflicts, arguments.
People who love you might hurt you at some point as well, and this is a normal aspect of a relationship. If you find these emotions too overwhelming, you may prefer to cover them with an alternative reality by wishing for a union that does not exist or could never become real.
Sister, I do not know which option reflects more of your concern, as you did not share its context. What I can say is that all situations have something in common: to find out what your real possibilities are for this marriage and learn to move on if this is not meant for you.
Regarding your question about fate, I cannot give an answer, as it belongs only to Allah, the All-Knowing. But that you rejected other proposals and you are “waiting for” this opportunity can be due to psychological reasons as well.
It also can be a test from Allah about facing reality and accepting that people and relationships are not either good or bad.
How to Deal with It?
Sister, try to be honest with yourself and reflect on your past and the way you experienced negative events and emotions when you were a child. What emotions were so overwhelming that you preferred not to deal with them?
If there are some unresolved traumatic experiences in your past, I recommend you seek counseling where you can start healing these wounds.
Also, try to ponder upon your expectations about the “ideal” relationship and “ideal” spouse you would like to have. How would it be? Do you have any fears regarding the possible and inevitable negative side of being in a close relationship with someone?
Accept yourself and know that you are not perfect. Neither will the others. People cannot have only positive OR negative traits. They usually have both positive AND negative ones.
The same applies to relationships. Even the happiest and most successful relationships have their ups and downs. Conflict, disagreement, and disappointment happen. What makes it successful is that both parties are ready to cope with these problems and work on their solutions.
Counseling
Sister, I recommend counseling, where you can deal with your expectations for a healthy relationship. Please, reach out and discover any hidden issues that are standing as an obstacle to entering into a fulfilling, happy relationship that is meant for you.
You can also try Islamic pre-marital course and get prepared for marriage. Alhamdulillah, there are more and more offers for Muslims. Check out this 6-week online course with Sheik Jamil Amir. Or this premarital couching by Sr. Naielah Ackbarali. Or choose from the services of the counselor Naaila Clay.
May Allah bless you with success.
Read more:
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.