When I was in class 4, my friend told me that my class fellow liked me. This was the first time I came to know about love. Now when I remember my past, I feel like I was a dumb. When I was in class 8, I had my first crush. Deep down I still like that guy. When I was in class 12, I had my first relationship, but that was temporary and we broke up soon. In the university, I had many crushes, one after other. I don't know whether it's biological, but I keep thinking about guys. I feel really bad about myself.
I have been in a relationship only once and that was enough for me to understand life. I have repented many times and still do whenever I remember my past. I don't look at guys (on whom I have crush). I don't speak to them. It's all in my mind and heart. Currently, I am thinking about my new crush all day and night, and honestly, I really feel bad about it. I want to stop all this stupidity. I have never talked to him. We were sitting around the table and working with head down. Only once I saw him smiling and that's when things got change.
The crush I told you earlier, I still like him, but I have to forget him. He is known to my family as we were childhood friends, but I have not dared to tell him about my feelings. His mother has asked for my hand from my mother, but my family does not agree due to some genuine reasons, so I am not going to force them.
I am really confused and disturbed about all this thing. It feels like I am cheating on my future husband. I want to purify my heart. Please guide me about this matter.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Instead of thinking about boys, focus on your present life, needs, and goals.
• Join a single sisters’ group or enroll in marriage seminars at your mosque.
• Keep your five daily prayers. Make du’aa’, do dhzkir, read Qur’an, and reflect upon the beauty and magnificence of mercy and forgiveness.
As Salamu ‘Alaikum sister,
What you have been experiencing is completely normal! As we grow and develop, we begin to have feelings for the opposite sex. Some call these crushes “puppy love” which is a very wide experience in the process of maturing. The object of an attachment may be a fleeting unknown person, but the term can also be used to describe the fondness of a child for an adult; for example, students being attracted to their teachers, their friends’ parents, or children to older celebrities.
Typically, the sufferer is greatly moved with emotion, spending much time in daydreams and wishful fantasies about them. When people have wishful fantasies about their love interest, they may have a fantasy about having their first kiss with them, or maybe have a fantasy about marrying them one day. However, “puppy love” gives young people a new sense of individualism. For the first time, they love someone outside their family. We may see a guy we like and get all tingling inside, feel flushed, shy, or even aroused. Again, all this is normal – even many crushes!
Crushes are not haram, but acting upon them is – which you stated you did, but you have repented. So, if you have truly repented to Allah (swt), you should leave that in the past as you gave it to Allah (swt) for forgiveness. Allah (swt) in His greatest mercy says He (swt) forgives all sins of those who sincerely repent and seek forgiveness, except shirk.
We can see Allah’s (swt) infinite mercy in the Qur’an:
“Say, “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” (39:53)
By hanging on to this sin too much, we are in a way doubting Allah’s (swt) mercy and forgiveness. So, as far as this issue is concerned, sister, please, in sha’ Allah, leave that in the past and move forward. Make du’aa’ to Allah (swt) that He (swt) forgives you and helps you forget this incident.
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Now, focus on your present life, needs, and goals. Stay close to Allah (swt), pray, and continue to seek Islamic knowledge. This is our foundation and support as Muslims who are striving to please Allah (swt).
As far as “cheating” your future husband, I think that, in sha’ Allah, you can rest assured that you are not. You are a young woman who has had only one boyfriend and you repented. Some have many, sister, so I think, in sha’ Allah, you have great strength and blessings from Allah (swt) as you desire to stay on the right path. This is a blessing to any future husband.
As far as your “many crashes”, well, that is just a sign that it may be time to get married. I would ensure that you are knowledgeable about what qualities make for a good Islamic husband. Oftentimes, families rely on cultural expectations rather than Islamic ones. As it has been that way for so long, in some cultures, people actually think they reject or marry a suitor based on Islamic principles when, in fact, they rely more on cultural values than Islamic ones. Please do your research, in sha’ Allah.
Also, please join a single sisters’ group or enroll in marriage seminars at your mosque, your local Islamic center, or even online. There you can learn more about marriage, expectations, rights as well as how to prepare for marriage and what to look for in a future spouse. You will meet other single sisters and can form wonderful, lifelong friendships which will be a blessing and a source of strength and direction for you.
Lastly, as we are always seeking to purify our hearts, keep your five daily prayers, sister; make du’aa’, do dhzkir, read Qur’an, and reflect upon the beauty and magnificence of mercy and forgiveness in the context of Allah’s (swt) attributes. Reflecting upon this immense blessing often moves us to higher levels of servitude and submission. It makes us feel we want to please Allah (swt) even more.
We wish you the best, sister. You are in our prayers.
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