Recently, I've been extremely worried about my thoughts. I want to finish school, go to college, and become a successful Muslima, inshAllah, but I feel guilty when I think of love. I really like this guy who is about 9 years older than me (He is a Muslim Quran teacher with amazing qualities), but I have never even looked at him in the eye. I'm very modest of the whole thing.
He doesn't even know anything at all, and I'm very respectable around him so I'm not worried about that he gets to know my feelings. What worries me is that I'm thinking about him all the time and I feel that might make me think about love only and fail in my school. :( I'm scared because I'm so attached to him and I feel that he's the man I want to spend my life with. BUT I want to ignore love and focus ONLY on school and being successful. I'm so very confused!
In this counseling answer:
• It can be very overwhelming and confusing. Since these feelings you are experiencing are new, you get easily overwhelmed by them.
• Doing well in school is the best thing you can do for yourself at this point, because it will help you to get into college and become what you want to become in life.
• Get busy focusing on yourself and your goals.
Salamu Alaikum Sister,
Thank you for sending us your question. I ask Allah (swt) to bless you and to grant you success in this life and the next.
It is very normal for a girl at your age to get into a “crush” with someone. As you reach puberty and your body grows and matures – so do your feelings. For most teenagers, a crush is one of the first times they start to experience actually liking someone or admiring someone. It can be very overwhelming and confusing. Since these feelings you are experiencing are new, you get easily overwhelmed by them. You may start to believe that the person you are admiring is the right one for you and you may fantasize that you want to spend the rest of your life with them.
Don’t be afraid of your feelings – they are real and there is nothing shameful about them. It is a natural part of growing up. You are right when you say that you just want to focus on school. Doing well in school is the best thing you can do for yourself at this point, because it will help you to get into college and become what you want to become in life.
However, these feelings are still there right now! The first step, as mentioned above, is not to be afraid of your feelings. Just understand that it is perfectly normal to have such feelings. They will go away with time. As mentioned above, you start to fantasize about the person you admire and start to think that he is the one. Know that “fantasize” means that you start to create a fantasy of living happily ever after with your admirer, which is not real! It is just your brain and your emotions acting out on you and overwhelming you since the feelings you are experiencing are new and so intense.
Check out this counseling video:
So to summarize, first know that your feelings are perfectly normal. Second, know that these feelings will pass. Third, know that these feelings do not express reality, rather they express a fantasy. Finally, do try to brush them aside and get busy with school, friends, sports, hobbies, etc. Get busy focusing on yourself and your goals. What do you want to accomplish this year? How about in 5 years? What kind of hobbies do you want to start? This phase in sha’ Allah will pass.
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