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Torn Between My Wife & Another Woman

Questioner

A

Reply Date

Oct 26, 2017

Question

As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah. I am married for 14 years now, and Allah has blessed me with three kids Alhamdulillah. Unfortunately, I work an hour and half away from my home. So I decided to find an affordable, single studio just next to my shop. My wife is at home with the kids. I go to see them every two to three days. A couple of months ago, I met a girl who lives in the compound where I rent the flat. She was so helpful to me; she even cooked for me. Sometimes, we would sit with all the neighbors in the compound to chat, so we got to know each other more, and I’ve started to have feelings for her because I see so many good qualities in her. I love and respect my wife, I don't want to cheat on her or dwell in sin; therefore, I decided to talk to her that I saw someone I really want as my second wife. At first, she refused, but later, after so many conversations, she agreed to it. But then she changed her mind and said she doesn’t want it anymore. One day, she came for a visit and met the girl. They went out together to buy food and cooked together. Some days later, she went to the girl’s parents to complain that she wants to take her husband. This became a huge problem that when I asked the father for the girl’s hand in marriage, they refused it. However, the girl said she wouldn’t marry anyone apart from me; otherwise, she prefers remaining single until death. I don't know what to do. Please, help me, because I really wanted that girl to be my second wife. Thanks a lot. May Allah bless and guide you all, in sha’ Allah.

Counselor

Answer


Torn Between My Wife & Another Woman

In this counseling answer:

“My first suggestion would be to really ask yourself honestly why you want to marry this girl at your compound. What would you gain and lose by marrying her, and what would you gain/loss by not marrying her? Once you understand your feelings, then your second step would be to sit down with your wife and have a real and honest conversation about it.”


Salamu ‘Alaykum Brother,

Thank you for sending us your question. I ask Allah to help you and your wife come to a mutual understanding with each other and grant you both peace and serenity.

In summary, you have mentioned in your question that you desire to marry the girl who lives in your compound as a second wife. The main issue that is stopping you from doing so is your current wife’s actions to stop the marriage from happening. As a result, the girl’s parents refused your offer to marry their daughter.

Brother, as Muslims, we all know that marrying up to four wives is permissible. However, we need to know that it is permissible but not obligatory. In the Qur’an, it even tells us that if we decide to marry more than one wife, to do so with great caution,

“And it will not be within your power to treat your wives with equal fairness, however much you desire it.” (4:129)

Allah tells us that if one marries more than one wife, he must treat them equally, and the Quran warns us that this is a very difficult thing to do. You must understand this brother because marrying another wife comes with great responsibility that you may be underestimating. Being equal to both wives financially, physically, and emotionally is a daunting task, especially if one or more of your wives are not happy with the marriage.

Marriage is a lifelong partnership that is sacred. It should NOT be taken lightly, and it must not lose its value with time. It is easy for someone to lose interest in one’s wife or husband after many years of marriage because it is human nature to want something “new” and have the same rush of emotions when you first got married to someone else. But you must ask yourself if it is really worth it if your current marriage suffers because of this desire. What is your priority? Is it to have a wife during your time away from home to remedy your loneliness, or is it to keep your current marriage strong?

That being said, my first suggestion would be to really ask yourself honestly why you want to marry this girl at your compound. Only you have that answer. What would you gain and lose by marrying her, and what would you gain/loss by not marrying her? Once you understand your feelings, then your second step would be to sit down with your wife and have a real and honest conversation about it. Tell her how you feel and ask her to talk about her feelings. There is a reason why she went to the girl’s family and told them to stop the marriage from occurring. You need to find that reason and have her talk to you about it. Since she is your wife, she has many rights over you, and you must give her your time and humanity and seek to understand how she feels about all of this happening while she is far away from you.

Then you must both come to an agreement on how you as a couple are going to approach this situation. If you are lonely and in need of someone to be with you while you are away, see if you can both come up with possible solutions to remedy this problem like having your wife come visit you once a week or something of that sort. Whatever you both chose, the important thing is that the both of you acted as a team by hearing each other’s needs and coming up with a solution to remedy the problem together. Being a team is the true essence of marriage.

As for the girl in your compound, please do not worry about her. Alhamdulillah, she seems to have a family that cares about her. Allah has the master plan for everyone’s fate. If you decide not to marry her, it does not mean that she will not marry at all just because she said so. If Allah has written that she will marry, then she will. Wish her well and keep your priorities straight. Right now, your priority should be your wife and children. Go to your wife first, then see whether a second wife will be worth doing or not.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Wife’s Suggestion: Marriage & Affair or Divorce?

“I Won’t Let My Husband Have a Second Wife!”




About Aliah F. Azmeh

Aliah F. Azmeh is a licensed clinical social worker who practices in Detroit, Michigan. Aliah graduated with a Master's degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan in 2007 and has experience working in the United States and overseas. Aliah currently works as a clinical social worker and provides individual, family, and marital counseling at Muslim Family Services in Detroit, MI.

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