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Husband Leaves Me Unsatisfied in Bed, Yet Wants Another Wife

16 January, 2022
Q Salaam.

I have been married for 3 years now with one kid. My problem is lack of intimacy between my husband and me. We could go for like 2 months sleeping on the same bed without sex. He says he doesn’t want more sex.

Can I give him a condition that he should never marry any other woman because I don’t see what he would want in another woman.

He doesn’t satisfy me yet leaves me alone, maybe going for another woman. I have a child for him so I don’t see what he will want outside the marriage again.

Answer


In this counseling answer:

Have you sat down with him, expressed your desires and needs and love for him regarding these needs?

Does he have high stress at work, a psychological disorder or other issues that could be interfering with his desire and or ability to have relations?

Please, approach him with a non-judgmental, supportive and loving attitude. 

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Try to re-create a romantic “date” at least once a week wherein you both can re-bond, reconnect and enjoy one another intimately.


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,

I understand that you have written to us concerning the lack of intimacy between you and your husband.  However, the majority of your question also pertains to him taking a second wife.  I am wondering if your husband has brought up the desire to take a second wife.

If so, while this is his right in Islam, he must also fulfill his obligations. To you as his wife – which includes sexual intimacy.

Lack of intimacy

Let us first discuss your issue of lack of sexual intimacy. First of all, have you discussed this with your husband? Have you sat down with him, expressed your desires and needs and love for him regarding these needs? If not, sister, please do! Often men cannot know what is in our minds unless we communicate it to them.

True, it is very odd that he is not interested in sexual intercourse/intimacy. Could it be he has a health problem? Is he on medication? Does he have high stress at work? A psychological disorder? Or other issues that could be interfering with his desire and or ability to have relations?

I would kindly suggest that you try to rule out any of the above if your husband is open to this. In sha’ Allah, having a physical exam by his physician should be a good place to start. As your husband, like most men, may be quite sensitive and embarrassed by this issue. Please, approach him with a non-judgmental, supportive and loving attitude. 

Creating the atmosphere

In the meantime, perhaps you can create a romantic atmosphere in the home. Such as a candlelight dinner, preparing foods he likes. And wearing alluring, pretty attire that he also enjoys.

Often times in the stress and work in this life both husband and wife forget about the little things that they used to do for each other. Which was sexually enticing before children and bills came along!

In sha’ Allah, try to re-create a romantic “date” at least once a week wherein you both can re-bond, reconnect and enjoy one another intimately.  I would kindly suggest that you engage a family member to care for your child for these special nights.


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Second wife

Regarding your concern that he wants to take a second wife: as you know it is within his right. However, you do not have to accept it. You can divorce him, but I would highly suggest that you look at all angles before making a decision. Most importantly, talk to him about it.

You are right in that your husband must take care of you in regards to intimacy.  In fact, AboutIslam does discuss this in our “Ask the Scholar” section in regards to the rights of married couples. Stating that divorce is permissible in regards to “Failure to fulfill the objectives and purposes for which marriage was initiated. This can be an utter incompatibility between the partners. Which may be expressed by their irreconcilable differences in temperaments, likes, and dislikes”.

One of the purposes and objectives of marriage is so that a wife and husband can enjoy mutually beneficial sexual relations within the halal constitution of marriage. This is to build a closer bond between husband and wife; to procreate, to avoid the sin of zina as well as create a greater sense of oneness and harmony within family structures.

In the Qur’an, we can also see wherein intimacy is important by Allah (swt) commanding men to treat their wives with kindness:

“O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them in order to take [back] part of what you gave them unless they commit a clear immorality. And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them – perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good”.  (4:19)

While it does not directly state sexual relations/intimacy, the general consensus it that husbands are to deal with their wives with loving kindness and good dealings. This is to include satisfying their wives sexual needs unless there is a good reason why they cannot such as illness. However, even then a husband can provide intimacy by other means to satisfy his wife.

Husband obligations

Sister, if the reason your husband is avoiding intimacy/sexual relations is that he is bored and wants another wife just as a sexual partner that is unacceptable. He must first fulfill his obligations to you before considering a second wife. The practice of polygamy is not one to be taken lightly nor was it allowed so men could lead a “player”-type lifestyle.

I would kindly suggest that you familiarize yourself with the laws regarding polygamy. If this is what your husband is seeking, please ensure he fully understands his obligations regarding this as it is very serious and he will be held accountable for how he goes about it, whom he chooses, and how he treats both you and her.

As far as you stipulating that he does not take a second wife, I have heard of couples doing that in marriage contracts; however, I am not sure of its validity as it is permissible by Allah (swt). Secondly, you are already married and hopefully, you both discussed this prior to marriage, thus, he should know where you stand on this issue.

Conclusion

In addition to speaking with your husband about the lack of intimacy and his possible wishes for a second wife, I would also kindly suggest that if after talking you still cannot work out your relationship and needs you both go to marriage counseling.

As Allah (swt) hates divorce, we must take every efforts to save our marriages unless something horrendous such as abuse is taking place when there is no expectation for the woman to be in danger of course.

Please, do speak with your husband, sister, concerning these issues and seek out marital counseling if needed.  We wish you the best. You are in our prayers.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha has a PhD in psychology, an MS in public health and a PsyD. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years at Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. She has worked with clients with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, trauma, and OCD. She also facilitated support groups and provided specialized services for victims of domestic violence, HIV positive individuals, as well youth/teen issues. Aisha is certified in Mindfulness, Trauma Informed Care, Behavioral Management, Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and Confidentiality & Security. Aisha is also a Certified Life Coach, and Relationship Workshop facilitator. Aisha has a part-time Life Coaching practice in which she integrates the educational concepts of stress reduction, mindfulness, introspection, empowerment, self love and acceptance and spirituality to create a holistic healing journey for clients. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocates for prisoner rights/reentry, social & food justice, as well as advocating for an end to oppression & racism. In her spare time, Aisha enjoys her family, photography, nature, martial arts classes, Islamic studies, volunteering/charity work, as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.