I have expressed my feelings to him but he just says what he can do. I told him to exercise and eat healthier options. He always stays away from veggies. I told him that being overweight can cause health issues. And he has a hard time breathing or standing up for a while. Every-time I tell him to go to the gym or exercise with me he says there is no point. He is not depressed or giving up; it's just that he's lazy. And he says that is how he is. I do not want an overweight husband. Even being with him is boring. I always tell him to eat healthy and exercise like me. I enjoy being active and staying fit. We are both young and need to take care of our health. Is there a hadith in the Quran that says to not be overweight? If you have other options please let me know!
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- Consider if there is something that might be triggering his behavior since he wasn’t always like this.
- Overeating may in fact be a symptom of depression and is the way he is managing his emotions.
- Do something that is not directly considered exercise but is more of a secondary outcome, such as doing something outdoors.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh sister,
Our spouses are supposed to be the coolness of our eyes and bring us happiness.
Unfortunately, it seems that your husband is not doing this for you, as you have watched him put on weight and he does not seem bothered by it.
You are absolutely right that we have the duty to take care of ourselves.
Our bodies are an amanah from Allah, and we must take care of them. It does seem like your husband is being neglectful of this, despite your mentioning it to him.
At the moment, it seems like you are getting nowhere with your warnings, but there are some things that you could consider or try to improve the situation.
Is There a Trigger?
Firstly, I’d encourage you to consider if there is something that might be triggering this behavior since he wasn’t always like this. Perhaps he has some underlying medical condition that he needs to get checked out by the doctor.
This would also place him in a position where he would be hearing advice on overeating from someone else, not just you.
Possible Depression?
Otherwise, you say he is not depressed, but perhaps he is and is just not showing any signs or is doing a good job of keeping it from you.
This is where it could potentially get dangerous.
Has something happened that might be making him feel depressed? Has he suffered a bereavement? Lost his job?
Does he get socially engaged enough? Spends enough time speaking with his family?
He could be depressed or may even just be feeling a bit low if any of these important things have been impacted in some way. Overeating may in fact be a symptom of depression and is the way he is managing his emotions at this time.
Looking for Attention?
He may not be depressed at all, but it’s important that you look deeper for any possible reasons why he might be. Otherwise, maybe he is just looking for your attention and is clearly gaining it.
You could test this by giving him positive attention in another way in response to something good he has done.
This will take his attention away from his eating and encourage him to focus on this positive thing more frequently to gain the attention from you that he seeks. It may just be something seemingly small, but it could make a huge difference.
Again, this might not be it, but it is something worth testing and can only have a positive outcome for you both anyway.
Tell Him How You Feel
On the other end of the spectrum, if the above seems to yield negative results, maybe you could consider being completely blunt with him and expressing the harsh reality of how you feel and that you find him boring.
This could obviously come with bad consequences so is something to consider very carefully and whether any good comes out of it.
If this is the route you take, you really need to be careful about how you get this message across to ensure it does, but in the best manner you can.
Amongst this of course it’s important to continue to put across your concerns, both from an Islamic perspective but also quite simply about your concerns for his health and any potential consequences down the line, that you love him and you don’t want that for him, or your family.
Join Him in Activities
As well as this, there’s no harm in persisting with encouraging him to tame the eating and exercise more. Do it with him; exercise together.
Pick an exercise that he enjoys. You might even think of something that is not directly considered exercise but is more of a secondary outcome, such as doing something outdoors that requires a lot of walking, yet the focus may be something different.
Do this in such a way that he experiences a psychological benefit from doing this and will be encouraged to do it more, not just for the exercise but more to get pleasure from doing the activity.
Try different things until you find something he enjoys or that you both enjoy doing together.
May Allah reward your concern for your husband’s health and your attempts to support him in overcoming his difficulty.
May Allah guide him to what is best for him and your family and most pleasing to Him.
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