Does He Love Me or He Just Takes Advantage of My Vulnerability? | About Islam
Home > Ask the Counselor > Extramarital Affairs > Does He Love Me or He Just Takes Advantage of My Vulnerability?

Does He Love Me or He Just Takes Advantage of My Vulnerability?

Questioner

L

Reply Date

Aug 06, 2019

Question

I am writing this knowing there is no hope for help. But I will say it anyway. I am married, have 4 children, and 6 grandchildren. I met a man online 7 years ago when I was going through a very bad time. We talked every night. I was no longer sharing a bed with my husband due to problems in our marriage and with my health. In the first year, we started to put our webcams on while talking. I developed strong feelings for him during this time as he helped me sort out my problems. He was telling me about Islam and what a Muslim would do. I made friends with other Muslims online and asked them about Islam; I started to buy books. In our second year, I told him I was in love with him and he told me he felt the same.

He asked me to divorce my husband and marry him. He asked me if he sent me a marriage contract, would I sign it and be his wife. I told him, yes and I did it; I signed and returned the contract to him. I asked my husband for a divorce, but he refused. I kept asking, but this led to abuse and server depression. The only light in my day was knowing I would be talking with this man at night. I told him I could no longer have children as I’ve been sterilized, but he said he had never wanted children so it did not matter. Sometimes he would not text me back or answer my call when he went to Umrah or visit his mom in Cairo, but I didn’t think of anything. However, after a year, I figured out that he married a woman.

He said he had to marry because his mum was old and wanted a grandchild. He said he would get her pregnant and then divorce her. 2 years passed by. He often visited me (when they came to the UK with his wife and son), then I met him in Cairo in 2013 and spent 15 days during which I reverted to Islam as I read many books that convinced me it was the right path. We came back and he said his wife and son won’t come. But they came and stayed for 3 months. I felt suicidal. I am finally in the process of divorcing from my husband while the guy keeps promising to divorce his wife, but has never actually done it.

We made an agreement a month ago that he would be online every morning, but since then he doesn’t text me. I asked him if it was all just a joke, but he replied: „How could 7 years be a joke?”I need to send the last paper to finalize our divorce with my husband, but I am hesitant. This man is Egyptian, his wife is Egyptian. I am almost 50, he is 37 and his wife is only 26. She gave him a son, I cannot. If I leave my husband, I lose my children and my grandchildren and my parents as all know why I want to leave. ( We have not told anyone yet about our divorce).

I need help to decide if he loves me or not. Is it a game? Could he do this for 7 years? I stopped contacting him, but it is a struggle. My epilepsy, diabetes, and fibromyalgia are all way out of control and left me bed-ridden for the last 2 weeks. (and yes, he knew in the first week about my illnesses and asked for sites where he could read up about them all. )

Please, I need guidance! I have prayed for it over and over, but can’t figure out what to do. I am going mad and now find myself praying for death everyday.

Counselor

Answer


He Loves Me or Takes Advantage of My Vulnerability?

In this counseling answer:

• These proposals/marriage scams happen all the time to unsuspecting women who may be new to Islam, in a vulnerable situation, or otherwise too trusting of a man just because he says he is Muslim. You are not the only one.

• My advice dear sister is to cut him off immediately.

• Get counseling for your emotional issues and seek marriage counseling if your husband is willing.


As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,

I am sorry to hear of the difficulties you are going through, first with your marriage and secondly, with the man you think you are in love with. Often times, when we go through marriage difficulties, as well as health problems, it is easy to fall prey to someone who seeks to take advantage of our vulnerability. While I cannot say that you share no fault, as you know it is haram to start a relationship when in fact you are married, I will say that the man who engaged in speaking with you and leading you on for all these years is to blame as well.

There are many red flags in your situation with this man. The fact you were married and he pursued the relationship is number one. The facts that he is now married, he has a child, he has lied to you, and the fact that he has led you on for 7 years is horrific. While you surely feel an attachment to this man, my dear sister, I can assure you he does not feel one to you, nor does he respect you as a Muslimah or as a woman.

These types of men are experts at stirring emotions, feelings, and making you think they love and care about you when, in fact, they don’t. They do it as they see a benefit for themselves in it. May Allah (swt) deal with them for their treachery. A man who respects you does not speak to you if you are married (not in this way), and surely does not lie and lead you on for almost a decade.

Does He Love Me or He Just Takes Advantage of My Vulnerability? - About Islam

It is my suspicion (and Allah forgive me if I am wrong) that at one point in this relationship, he wanted something from you such as a visa to your country, monetary help, or something else that would benefit him or his family. These proposals/marriage scams happen all the time to unsuspecting women who may be new to Islam, in a vulnerable situation, or otherwise too trusting of a man just because he says he is Muslim. You are not the only one.

My advice dear sister is to cut him off immediately. End all contact. Ask Allah (swt) for forgiveness and repent for going outside of your marriage to seek solace. Try to repair your relationship with your husband, in sha’ Allah. Get counseling for your emotional issues and seek marriage counseling if your husband is willing.


Check out this counseling video:


You have too much to lose over a man who does not have your best interests at heart and does not plan on marrying you. You have your whole family to think about. Do you really want to lose your children, grandchildren, parents, and your husband over a man who has conned you for 7 years? Is he worth it? Please think sister. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but many lives are at stake here. Your decision will essentially affect all of your precious family. I urge you to draw closer to Allah, pray, read Qur’an, do dhzkir, make du’aa’. All these things will, in sha’ Allah, strengthen you, sister, through Allah’s mercy.

We all are striving, sister; we all make mistakes. The beautiful thing is that once we realize, we can turn things around through prayer, repentance, making amends with those we have hurt as well as striving to please Allah and guarding our family structure which is precious.

As I stated earlier, you are not the only one at fault in this; in fact, as you were in a vulnerable emotional state and this man took advantage of you, he will have to stand before Allah for his deceitful actions.

Please sister, cut off this man and in sha’ Allah make amends with your family and draw closer to Allah (swt). Life is too short to lose much time.

You are in our prayers dear sister. Please let us know how you are doing.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:




About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

Add Comment


find out more!