In this counseling answer:
• These proposals/marriage scams happen all the time to unsuspecting women who may be new to Islam, in a vulnerable situation, or otherwise too trusting of a man just because he says he is Muslim. You are not the only one.
• My advice dear sister is to cut him off immediately.
• Get counseling for your emotional issues and seek marriage counseling if your husband is willing.
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,
I am sorry to hear of the difficulties you are going through, first with your marriage and secondly, with the man you think you are in love with. Often times, when we go through marriage difficulties, as well as health problems, it is easy to fall prey to someone who seeks to take advantage of our vulnerability. While I cannot say that you share no fault, as you know it is haram to start a relationship when in fact you are married, I will say that the man who engaged in speaking with you and leading you on for all these years is to blame as well.
There are many red flags in your situation with this man. The fact you were married and he pursued the relationship is number one. The facts that he is now married, he has a child, he has lied to you, and the fact that he has led you on for 7 years is horrific. While you surely feel an attachment to this man, my dear sister, I can assure you he does not feel one to you, nor does he respect you as a Muslimah or as a woman.
These types of men are experts at stirring emotions, feelings, and making you think they love and care about you when, in fact, they don’t. They do it as they see a benefit for themselves in it. May Allah (swt) deal with them for their treachery. A man who respects you does not speak to you if you are married (not in this way), and surely does not lie and lead you on for almost a decade.
It is my suspicion (and Allah forgive me if I am wrong) that at one point in this relationship, he wanted something from you such as a visa to your country, monetary help, or something else that would benefit him or his family. These proposals/marriage scams happen all the time to unsuspecting women who may be new to Islam, in a vulnerable situation, or otherwise too trusting of a man just because he says he is Muslim. You are not the only one.
My advice dear sister is to cut him off immediately. End all contact. Ask Allah (swt) for forgiveness and repent for going outside of your marriage to seek solace. Try to repair your relationship with your husband, in sha’ Allah. Get counseling for your emotional issues and seek marriage counseling if your husband is willing.
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You have too much to lose over a man who does not have your best interests at heart and does not plan on marrying you. You have your whole family to think about. Do you really want to lose your children, grandchildren, parents, and your husband over a man who has conned you for 7 years? Is he worth it? Please think sister. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but many lives are at stake here. Your decision will essentially affect all of your precious family. I urge you to draw closer to Allah, pray, read Qur’an, do dhzkir, make du’aa’. All these things will, in sha’ Allah, strengthen you, sister, through Allah’s mercy.
We all are striving, sister; we all make mistakes. The beautiful thing is that once we realize, we can turn things around through prayer, repentance, making amends with those we have hurt as well as striving to please Allah and guarding our family structure which is precious.
As I stated earlier, you are not the only one at fault in this; in fact, as you were in a vulnerable emotional state and this man took advantage of you, he will have to stand before Allah for his deceitful actions.
Please sister, cut off this man and in sha’ Allah make amends with your family and draw closer to Allah (swt). Life is too short to lose much time.
You are in our prayers dear sister. Please let us know how you are doing.
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.