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How to Deal With an Out of Control Kid?

Questioner

F (31-female-UK)

Reply Date

Aug 15, 2019

Question

I am having a lot of problems from my 6 year-old girl. Although she is kind, nice and brilliant, she is at times very stubborn and rebellious. She is also bad to her brother and sister. I have tried to be a fair mother to all of them, and when I heard about the problems of the middle child I would feel my family is very far away from these problems,but now I am trapped in this problem.

She is now 6 years old and hope I am not too late. She is now beating her younger brother and  she always tries to create problems between her older sister and myself. I would be very grateful to you if you help me through what I consider as a major problem of my family.

Counselor

Answer


kid

In the counseling answer:

•Perhaps your 6-year old is in need of extra attention due to a highly sensitive nature. Perhaps she gets jealous easily or perhaps emotionally she feels neglected

•You need to understand this and be able to assess when it happens in order to act accordingly. This should be discussed with your husband as well because both of you should address the issue as a team and be on the same team at all times.

•I would suggest seeking the aid of a family therapist if possible to gain more clarity and insight into what is going on with your family as a whole and how to best help your child.


As-salamu`alaykum,
It sounds to me as if your child’s acting up is a symptom of some bigger issue within your family. Given the level of detail you have provided, it is impossible for me to guess what that might be, however, often, children’s acting out reflect larger problems within the family. As such, you need to try to understand your family as a system at a deeper level to begin to understand what is happening with your child.

At this point, unfortunately, there is not much more I can say specifically, other than that I would guess your child is the “presenting face” of something else going on. One thing I would like to know is what is the relationship of the father with the children and how is your relationship with your husband?  The child that is having the problems sounds as if she is experiencing some level of frustration. I would explore that as best you can. Anger and jealousy will cause a child to beat a younger one.

How to Deal With an Out of Control Kid? - About Islam

Often, one’s intention to treat children fairly does not actually play out as such because of the fact that each child may have different needs depending on their personality. In this case, perhaps your 6-year old is in need of extra attention due to a highly sensitive nature. Perhaps she gets jealous easily or perhaps emotionally she feels neglected or feels obliged to behave in this way because of a level of emotional of dishonesty within the household that does not accept her as she is.


Check out this counseling video


You need to understand this and be able to assess when it happens in order to act accordingly. This should be discussed with your husband as well because both of you should address the issue as a team and be on the same team at all times. It does no good for one parent to be trying to address the problem without the other parent’s involvement and support.

To sum it up, I would suggest seeking the aid of a family therapist if possible to gain more clarity and insight into what is going on with your family as a whole and how to best help your child. Often, these types of issues cannot be addressed adequately in this type of forum, but require the assistance of professionals in an ongoing face-to-face setting.

What you seek is understanding of the family dynamics and the personality of your child and why your child would be so frustrated and jealous so as to act out in the manner she is. Ask Allah through du`aa’ for guidance, clarity and help in restoring peace to your child and family.


Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information that was provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, it’s volunteers, writers, scholars, counselors, or employees be held liable for any direct, indirect, exemplary, punitive, consequential or other damages whatsoever that may arise through your decision or action in the use of the services which our website provides. 

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About Dr. Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah

Dr. Abd. Lateef Krauss Abdullah is a Research Fellow at the Institute for Social Science Study’s Community Education and Youth Studies Laboratory, Universiti Putra Malaysia. He received his B.A. from the University of Delaware (U.S.), his M.S. from Columbia University (U.S.) and his PhD from the Institute for Community & Peace Studies (PEKKA), Universiti Putra Malaysia in 2005 in the field of Youth Studies. Abd. Lateef is an American who has been living in Malaysia since 2001. He is married and has 2 children.

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