I did that without the permission of my family. I never wanted to get married secretly at that early age, but because of some situations and being emotionally blackmailed, I agreed to it.
When my family got to know it, they accepted it and properly got us married, but he disappointed me. He was really different from who I thought he was. I lost love and respect for him, and I don’t love him anymore although he has started to change.
My family really likes him, and they’re happy with him. He used to ask for money from me, and he was selfish and careless, but now he has changed after I started ignoring him entirely. Please help me with this situation. I would really be thankful to you.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Before taking any decision, seek guidance from Allah (swt) and try to rationalize the facts.
• Try to remember what made you fall in love in the first place.
• You and he need to have a clear and frank conversation about your expectations.
As-Salaam ’Alaikum Sister,
Sometimes, when we are young, we are persuaded to do things that we wouldn’t do if the situation was different, but it does not mean that the decision was absolutely wrong or right. Sometimes, it was just precipitated.
It seems you feel that way about your marriage.
It isn’t clear when you started to realize you might have done a mistake, but it is clear that you had a love for him in the past. Even though 16 years is very young, 20 aren’t too different. Your thoughts about getting divorce could be a little premature, such as your decision of getting married was in the first place.
My point is, now you are in a serious relationship with your family’s approval, and I feel through your email that your thoughts might be impulsive.
Before taking any decision, seek guidance from Allah (swt) and try to rationalize the facts. You are going through a big change now. It probably feels like you defiantly entered the adult life; you’re finishing your studies, and you might be able to get a job and start a career,in sha’ Allah.
Your family is happy about you and your marriage, and despite some problems you might have with your spouse, he is changing according to your narrative. Why would you change the route of your life, get divorced and start over again?
Sometimes, many young women get over excited with the chance of a career and want simply focus on work and independence. There is nothing wrong with that, but for some of our sisters, they let the time pass and when they realize, it is way harder to find a partner.
You already have a partner and a chance to grow together with him as a person and as a professional. Maybe your doubts are due to the fact that you are aspiring for a new life and opportunities because of your graduation. If that is the case sister, it isn’t a good reason to end your marriage. Allah gave us the right to get a divorce in some specific cases, but other than that divorce isn’t encouraged.
Another point you have to remember is that you had a love for him one day, you wanted to stay with him and even got married secretly for it. It must mean it is good in him and you probably didn’t marry him only out of loneliness.
Check out this counseling video:
Try to remember what made you fall in love in the first place. What are the things that you liked about him, what he did to make you feel special? I am sure those memories will remind you the good in him.
Love is a muscle sister that needs to be exercised in order to grow strong. I understand he might have disappointed you, but you need to consider how high you set your expectations.
The idea of a perfect mate might appear at the beginning when everything is new, but over time when you get to know the person deeply, you understand that nobody is perfect, but there are many things that can be worked on to make the relationship succeed.
Now you have a serious commitment to God (swt) , this man and your family, and it is important not give up at the first obstacle. You and he need to have a clear and frank conversation about your expectations.
Share with him why you feel frustrated and point out where he needs to improve.
Ask yourself also how much effort you are putting in your marriage as well.
I encourage you both to set a plan to increase quality time together and build intimacy. In case it is harder for you both to overcome the challenges, couples counselor and online resources can be very helpful such as www.marriagebuilders.com.
May Allah (swt) guide you to the right path in sha’ Allah.
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