My wife stayed in my parents' home for 3 months, later she moved to stay with me where I work, which is away from my parents’ house (we've been married for 10 months). During our stay, we were happy and used to listen to bayaans during Ramadan.
Sometimes I got angry for some incidents for which I used to scold her. I used to send her for 1 week in two months or so to her mother’s home. I came to the city I work in after sending her to her mother’s home recently. Then later I spoke to her on the phone, and then she complained for the first time that I always used to taunt her and hurt her emotionally, and always used to complain about her parents. For which I listened and explained; let this matter be closed for which she agreed.
The next day again nobody answered my calls. Then I went to their house to rectify the matter.
I told her father that in some instances I was harsh for which I am sorry. Then her father started shouting at me telling all the angry incidents. Then my mother in law came and told me to get out and she is terminating our relation and she will not send her daughter even if I bring the qazi.
All this moment I kept quiet and came back. Next day I along with my parents went to their house to sort out the matter but they were saying the same thing.
After 2 weeks, we heard from my father in law’s friend that the boy (i.e. me) is weak and did intercourse only 3 times (I am very embarrassed to say this). This is a great slandering because I know what I have done and how many times.
After assessing all these things, I am feeling that she is not sexually fully satisfied with me. But I tried my best to do everything I could. If she would have said this me to me I would have worked on it. But she did not tell me instead it came through her father which is very very embarrassing.
I want your comments and suggestion regarding this matter especially if she is not fully satisfied (she has conceived that means I am fit) will I have to leave her according to shariah.
I want a happy life with her and all. As far as I know both of us love each other, she is just angry now. Please suggest me what to supplicate to Allah.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
- It is possible that you and your new wife are experiencing a power struggle, and it will be difficult to unravel the situation now that she has her parents involved.
- The process of bonding at this level is gradual. Try to overlook and forgive your wife and her parents.
- Do not worry what other people say about you or believe about you.
Wa ‘Alaikum As-Salaam dear brother,
First, let’s put the idea of sexual performance and inadequacy to rest. I highly doubt that is the real issue. It is possible that you and your new wife are experiencing a power struggle, and it will be difficult to unravel the situation now that she has her parents involved.
It is more probable that her father was simply behaving in an unkind and prideful manner, and though this is not right, we might want to consider overlooking this so that we can find a solution to your real situation, which is the condition of the relationship between you and your wife.
Hurt
I can tell you are very hurt from the separation and that you miss your new wife very much. In addition, to make matters worse, you have been embarrassed. When you describe what happened, with the arguments that occurred between the two of you, it seems to me as if you were experiencing power struggles.
Power struggles in a new marriage are not unusual. They often do occur. Think of a marriage as you would a new baby. A baby grows and develops, then becomes a child, then becomes a young adult, then a responsible adult, and then a mature adult. This is a developmental process.
Marriage
Likewise, a marriage is an entity in its own right. It may seem as if there are two beings, the husband and the wife. But in reality, there are actually three beings; the husband, the wife, and the union between them.
This is perhaps one reason why it is said that marriage is one half of your deen. It forces a person to subjugate his or her ego for the sake of the well being of his or her partner and ultimately for the sake of the marriage.
Check out this counseling video:
Ego
This is why power struggles often occur during the beginning of a marriage, especially when the couple experiences a strong attraction to each other and feels a deep fondness for each other. This level of intimacy that the couple wants is also a very scary place to go.
This fear triggers the ego and then the ego begins to become self-centered in an instinctive. But misguided attempt to protect the self (Soul). This is when arguments and fights erupt and become even worse when “being right” becomes more important than letting all defenses go and just feeling each other.
Overlook and forgive
With all that said, my suggestion is that you try to overlook and forgive your wife and her parents. I realize that is a tall order in lieu of the things you heard were said about you.
But if you can realize that that was probably only a prideful at winning a fight that isn’t worth winning. You will see that all of this fear based egoistic behavior is simply a waste of energy. And you might even have compassion for your wife’s parents for behaving so badly.
Next, do not worry what other people say about you or believe about you. If your relationship is more important than what other people say about you behind your back, you can begin to focus specifically on the relationship; identify what went wrong, and identify actions that you can take to repair it.
Reach out
You mentioned that your wife said that you “hurt” her “heart”. Does this mean that her feelings got hurt? Going to her home where she stays at with her parents at this point might be perceived as confrontational, so consider writing a letter instead. Let your wife know how you feel about her. If you love her deeply, let her know.
Tell her how much you appreciate her. Let her know how much you miss her. Tell her that you want a happy life with her. And ask her how to communicate with her so that she can understand what you are trying to say.
Also ask her to tell you, instead of other people, what she really needs from you. Ask her what is most important to her in a marriage and how you can honor her feelings and be there for her when she needs you. Perhaps she likes to be hugged. Or perhaps she likes to receive flowers. Try to find out what symbols of love speak to her heart.
Meet and connect again
Once you have communicated your desire to be with her and to resolve your conflicts, ask her a meet you and connect with you without interference of others. If you are sorry for being harsh, apologize and recognize that she might be sensitive.
Some women are sensitive in ways that some husbands really don’t understand. Sometimes a man will talk to a man in a way that doesn’t hurt another man, but when the same words and tone is used with his wife, she gets all upset and her “heart” gets “hurt”.
It will help a lot to actually ask your wife to tell you what approach to use. And if you do have an issue that you truly want resolved ask her how to communicate that so that the two of you can work through it instead of hurting each other.
Priorities
Finally, both of you probably have very specific things that are priorities for you and are very important. Don’t write this in the letter, but make a note of what yours are and what you believe your wife’s priorities are. The first time you meet with her after the letter, don’t push these issues, but rather focus on connecting and establishing positive feelings and emotions.
Once that is re-established, ask your wife to also write down what her most important issues are and what is most important to her, as well as her beliefs about what yours are. Then set a time to really communicate these priorities and your most important needs with each other.
Conclusion
Ask your wife to make a promise not to give up and to work through these issues until you are both able to come into agreement. With that said, it would be better not to send her away from you out of anger or frustration. This will only make her feel unloved and abandoned and make things worse.
If you feel you are getting frustrated and angry, just tell your wife that you need a break, and reassure her that you love her, and that you plan to work through these things. Then take the time to distance yourself and to reflect on the situation and develop a better strategy for resolving the problems between you.
By overcoming your differences and developing better communication with your wife, you will grow closer together as a couple and you will both grow from the experience. Your marriage will also grow stronger as a result.
If you can get to a certain level with this, you will be able to develop enough trust, so that you can then work on how to deal with both sets of parents as a united couple. Take one day at a time. But do start with the letter and then see what unfolds.
Salaam,
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