Yesterday, he put a status up about how people who are terminally ill have regretted not expressing their emotions. And it got me wondering if I was close to death, then I’d want him to know what happened.
What should I do now? What’s the halal way of going about this? I really would like to be married to this man. I just want to fix everything.
In this counseling answer:
• Seek guidance from Allah.
• Think about the meaning of marriage.
• Speak to someone you trust regarding this individual.
As-Salamu Alaikum dear sister,
Thank you for reaching out to us in your time of distress.
I am glad that you are trying to solve issues the right way. I realize that what you have been through has been difficult for you, especially given your feeling for him. I would suggest that before you decide to approach the matter with him, you seek guidance from Allah.
In the Quran Allah says,
But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. (Quran 2:216)
This verse sheds light on the fact that sometimes our hearts may be set on what is not necessarily in our best interests and might be uninterested in what is the best for us. This verse always humbles me and makes me realize that I am not always right about what I want for myself, as Allah is the One in control.
Therefore, if Allah has turned you away from him, even if it was through a misunderstanding, I suggest that you seek an answer before approaching the matter of marriage.
You also mentioned that he ignored you and posted a message which potentially meant to indirectly speak to you. Should he not have spoken to you directly, even if he was unhappy about the abrupt disconnection?
I realize that marriage is a very important part of life, and it is only natural that you are thinking about it. But, I would really like to stress that you must not dwell on thinking about it and fantasizing such that it is all you can think about. Not only will this hinder your productivity, it will seriously impact your quality of everyday life and everyday worshipping and connection with Allah.
I highly suggest that if you have such feelings about this individual, you start praying Salat-ul-Istikhara as soon as possible, once a day every day.
Jabir Ibn Abdullah said,
Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) used to teach his companions to perform the prayer of Istikhara for each and every matter just as he used to teach them the Suras from the Qur’an He used to say, “If anyone of you intends to do something, he should offer a two rak`at prayer other than the compulsory prayers, and after finishing it, he should say the supplication.” (Sahih Bukhari)
Essentially, the prayer will guide you towards what is right and will deter you from what is wrong. This will not be in a form of a dream or anything. What is right will become easy to pursue and what is wrong will be removed from your pathway.
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However, when you are seeking Allah’s counsel, you must not be thinking of preferring one direction over the other. You must simply seek to attain what is sincerely better for you for this world and the afterlife.
During the time you seek Allah’s counsel, I suggest that you think over the meaning of marriage.
I once came across this thought-provoking, self-questioning points out that everyone interested in pursuing marriage should consider.
- What is your concept of marriage?
- What are your expectations of marriage?
- What are your goals in life? (long and short-term)
- Identify three things that you want to accomplish soon.
- Identify three things that you want to accomplish, long term.
- Why have you chosen me/another person as a potential spouse?
- What is the role of religion in your life now?
- Are you a spiritual person?
- What is your understanding of an Islamic marriage?
- What are you expecting of your spouse, religiously?
These questions can be considered a guideline when considering the type of person to marry and what kind of a marriage are you interested in making. They will help you to find a person who you can successfully accomplish what you desire while making sure that you are facilitating their dreams and goals.
I also advise that you chose character over chemistry if it is what is motivating you to marry him. A famous quote follows,
“Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.”
Therefore, four of the most important features good character is humility, kindness, responsibility, and contentment.
You must also ensure that this individual has an emotional connection with you. There are four questions that you must answer YES to:
• Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?
• Do I trust this person? Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
• Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself?
• Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?
After you start praying, I suggest that you speak to someone you trust regarding this individual. Ask around trustworthy Muslim and non-Muslim people about him.
For example, is he honest, is he interested in acquiring religion knowledge, what are his thoughts about raising a family, what does he like to do for fun, what kind of friends does he consider to be his best friends?
These questions are very important. In my opinion, many people ignore the importance of such questions and become victims of fights and quarrels later when there seems to be no compatibility in life.
If you realize that this person is the right person for you, then I suggest that you approach the matter with him and seek forgiveness regarding the misunderstanding, all with the presence of another who you trust and is wise (could be a best friend, a sibling, cousin, parent, etc.).
Realize that if it is meant to happen it will, regardless of how long it takes. And, if it is not meant to happen, it will never happen.
Dear sister, no one can be a better judge than you when it comes you assessing your own personality and with regards to what you desire in terms of a life partner.
However, I want to reiterate again that please think matters over carefully. Sometimes, simple actions can reflect the internal state of hearts and minds of people. Choose wisely, ?
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.