Polygamy creates an immediate knee-jerk reaction in nearly every individual. Either it’s a noble sunnah meant to protect vulnerable women. Or we decry the many abuses commonly committed within unethically maintained polygamous marriages.
Less discussed, however, is practical advice for those Muslim women choosing to undertake polygamy. Women do choose to enter polygamy voluntarily, as first, second, and subsequent wives.
However, it is most common to find women who choose – for their own reasons – to become second wives.
Some of these women spend a great deal of time doing research before marrying an already married man, while others have a more simplistic and naive perspective that they find themselves regretting soon after.
While there is no teacher like experience, it is important for all women to consider various important factors before committing to polygamy.
Can women truly be happy in polygamy?
That question is simply far too vast to have a truly definitive answer. One may also ask, can women truly be happy in monogamy?
Reality is a complex thing, and simplistic answers are never good or right. While one person may live in conventional wedded bliss, the next person may be suffering from unspeakable abuses in the same institution of monogamous marriage.
What we should really be asking is, how can women who choose polygamy protect themselves and perhaps have a higher chance of experiencing happiness?
The first thing to ask yourself – why are you choosing polygamy?
Has the woman fallen in love with a man and is willing to do anything to be with him, regardless of warning signs and red flags? Is she desperate and afraid that she won’t ever find a man to be with? Or has she carefully thought out what polygamy means, what it will entail in terms of her relationship with the man, and how it will impact her life both emotionally and in terms of day-to-day practicalities?
Of course, there are other shades of gray between those categories – there may be one or more overlapping reasons contributing to a woman’s decision to consider polygamy. If there are children involved, it is even more important to weigh how entering a polygamous marriage will impact them.
Other factors such as potential legal issues, finances, and so on must all be taken into consideration as well. The consequences of polygamy are no small matter, and the effects of choosing this kind of relationship model will be long-lasting and extend into other aspects of life.
Before choosing polygamy…
I urge all women to do the necessary research about it, from both an Islamic perspective as well as a personal one.
Islam has clearly laid out the rights of women in marriage, and especially in polygamy; men are reminded over and over again about the necessity of justice, of fairness in finances, time, and other matters, and of the severe punishments that await those husbands who violate their wives’ Islamic marital rights.
It is necessary for Muslim women to know what those specific rights are, and to establish that they will not be taken advantage of by men with unsavory intentions – especially those who think that they can keep a second wife as a side chick for sex, without having any financial or other obligations to her.
Unfortunately, many men who propose polygamy to Muslim women do so thinking that they can get away with not upholding the rights of those women, either because those women themselves don’t know their rights, or because the women don’t have strong family support behind them that will ensure accountability for the men.