She also has very strong feelings for me. She claims that she will love me whether or not we get married in the future.
I do not want to hurt the girl’s feelings and I want to love her back, but I find it difficult to do so.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
Instead of putting in the effort to create loving and healthy relationships, we find a need to make it happen “magically” and without any effort. Brother, this is not possible in the real world.
It might help to explore what love actually means to you! Does it mean being only attracted to someone physically and/ or intellectually? Does it mean being emotionally connected?
Love is not something that can be forced. If you don’t have feelings for her, don’t be afraid to admit it to yourself and put an end to the relationship, instead of making her wait.
When marrying someone, it is essential to find out if you both are compatible together and if you share the same values.
Assalamu alaikum brother,
Thank you for your question. From your post, I gather that you want to understand the concept of love, how to build and foster love, and whether love is an important ingredient for a successful marriage.
You have mentioned that you’ve been in a relationship with a girl whom you were attracted to and thought loved her, but now you feel unsure whether you love her or not.
It seems she also has very strong feelings for you, yet she does not insist that you return them, and claims that she will love you whether or not you two get married in future.
Your concern is that you do not want to hurt the girl’s feelings and you want to love her back, but you are finding it difficult to do so.
Indeed, it is a dilemma that is affecting a lot of youth in today’s world. I believe the media has a huge role in shaping the concept of love in today’s world.
More than concentrating on the feeling of love itself, which automatically grows with tenderness, nurturance, and care for another human being the youth today is indulged in “idealizing” the concept of love.
Instead of putting in the effort to create loving and healthy relationships, we find a need to make it happen “magically” and without any effort. Brother, this is not possible in the real world.
From your post, I feel as though you are unclear on a lot of concepts related to love.
Firstly, there is a difference between being physically attracted to someone, being in love with someone, and loving someone.
Furthermore, when you plan to spend your life with someone, you must consider things such as compatibility, religion, temperament, physical attractiveness, financial equality, etc.
While I cannot say that love comes second, I do believe that love is more of a verb than a noun and if the initial qualities of compatibility and attractiveness are present, love can be nurtured.
Explore What Love Means to You
It might help to explore what love actually means to you! Does it mean being only attracted to someone physically and/ or intellectually? Does it mean being emotionally connected?
While love is a universal emotion, it means different things to different people.
Love connects us to others on a very deep emotional level, and I believe it forms the core of an authentic relationship, including a marital one.
We often envision that the person we will love is flawless. However, we as humans are not perfect and each one of us has flaws.
Therefore, it is also important to understand that when you love someone, you also must embrace their flaws; the good and the bad.
Understand Your Barriers to Love
What I picked up in your post was that you are trying too hard to “love” the girl.
To love someone, you first need to understand and be aware of your own self and identity.
Only then will you be able to know what you want from any relationship that you construct.
Love is not something that can be forced. If you don’t have feelings for her, don’t be afraid to admit it to yourself and put an end to the relationship, instead of making her wait.
Check out this counseling video:
You mentioned that you were the one who confessed his love first, and then when she responded positively, you backed off.
You may want to consider if it’s a pattern in your life to reject things that come too easily. Maybe you have a belief that if something comes to you too easily, it isn’t “worth” it?
Infatuation vs. Love
Young adults often confuse infatuation with true love.
Infatuation is an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone, whereas love is long-lasting and endures the test of time and difficulties.
Therefore, you need to identify if what you are feeling or felt for this girl was infatuation rather than love.
Marriage in Islam
Brother, while love (harmony, peace) is important for a successful marriage, you must also understand that the “idealized love” is not the only thing that will make the marriage successful.
Marriage is a huge responsibility on both of individuals, where each person has to fulfill his/her role to make the marriage work in a positive way.
When marrying someone, it is essential to find out if you both are compatible together and if you share the same values.
Ideally, the girl should belong to a similar cultural and financial background as yours as too many differences can cause problems in adjusting later.
According to a Hadith, Prophet Muhammad SAW said:
“A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” [al-Bukhaari, 4802]
According to this Hadith, one should marry for the sake of religion, so that Allah SWT may bless your relationship.
In the Quran, Allah SWT says:
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed, in that are signs for people who give thought.” [30:21]
According to the verse above, Allah SWT fills the hearts of spouses with love and mercy when they are righteous and follow the limits prescribed by Him.
Turn to Allah
Brother, finally, I would tell you to turn your focus and attention to Allah SWT. He is the best guide and He will help you through all the difficult stages and transitions of life.
You are still very young, and at this moment in time I believe your main focus should not be on a relationship that is not “right” for either of you right now.
Use this time to build your own identity and career.
Let time and Allah’s guidance unfold whether you and the girl are right for each other or not.
(P.S. I did not comment on the Hadith that you have mentioned in your post, because I am not sure of the source and whether the Hadith is Sahih or weak).
May Allah guide you to the right path. Ameen.
salam,
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