I found out after a year that he is a married man. I tried to distance myself completely. But he refuses to let go. He keeps on reminding me every single day that he loves me and he wants to marry me. As far as I know there is nothing wrong with his wife, but he doesn't want to live with her anymore. He hasn't divorced her yet as he keeps saying that he will divorce her once I agree to marrying him.
He is a religious guy and there is no character flaws except that he was flirting with me while being married and hide the fact from me that he was a married man. Except once, I have not met this guy nor I or he ever talked dirty in any sense. We had a very halal relationship so far and there had been more than few months where I didn't even talk to him but he kept on telling me that he loves me.
My concerns are as follows: 1. I do not want to be a reason for someone else's divorce. In all this she and I are the two people who have been deceived by this man.
2. I do not want to start my married life on the fact that I have destroyed this girl's life. She will have very hard time recovering from this.
3. I am worried that I won't be able to find anyone at my age and more importantly it will take me long time to consider anyone as I do love him a lot.
4. I am not sure if his love is love or just obsession which will disappear as it did for his wife. Although, his marriage was an arranged marriage and not love.
5. I don't know if I can trust him after all he wasn't faithful with his wife. He started talking to me 7 months after his marriage although at first we were talking about work and then it phased out to friendly chat and then flirting. I never initiated it, he was the one who initiated it.
Please I desperately need advice on how to deal with this all as I am tired and sick of all this mess in my life. Should I even consider marrying him? What will happen to his wife?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• He has been lying to you for almost two years. This immediately indicates that he is incredibly dishonest.
• She is your sister in Islam, and deserves that you look out for her in such a situation. At the very least, do not do something which you know will continue to harm her marriage.
• I urge you to cut off all contact with him immediately: completely, with no explanations, no outlets for him to reach you.
• You will find that shifting your emotional priorities from a romantic relationship to a spiritual relationship with Allah will improve your well-being in so many ways.
• I recommend that you seek a therapist, or close friends who have wisdom and good sense, and depend on a healthy support system that will encourage you to end this relationship immediately and not to maintain it further.
As-salaamu ‘alaikum wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuh,
Thank you for reaching out to us at AboutIslam! I am so sorry to hear about your situation. It is an emotionally difficult situation for sure.
First of all, let me make it clear: this man is not “religious”. He does not “love” you, and you absolutely cannot trust him! He has been lying to you for almost two years. This immediately indicates that he is incredibly dishonest. If he was lying about that, what else is he lying about?
He already has claimed that he will divorce his wife, when he has not done so yet, and likely will not.
Whatever claim he has to “religiosity,” it immediately disappears when one looks at his actions: lying to you, and to his wife; pursuing a relationship with you even though you are not married, and he has not done the honorable thing by speaking to your wali immediately. And Allah knows whatever else he is hiding or doing behind your back – and his wife’s!
You mentioned that the two of you have a “very halal relationship” – the fact that he has been talking to you for so long, and continued to pursue you even when you stopped talking to him for several months, goes to show that it is not a halal relationship at all. Shaytan is the third in any interactions where a man and a woman are alone.
Rasul Allah (sal Allahu alaihi wa sallam) said: “Whenever a non-mahram man and woman meet in seclusion, Shaytaan definitely is the third one joining them.” [Tirmidhi]
The truly innocent person in this situation is his wife. She does not deserve to have to deal with a man like him, nor does she deserve to have her life upended if you choose to pursue marrying him.
You know about her, while she does not know about you – that gives you an advantage that she does not have.
She is your sister in Islam, and deserves that you look out for her in such a situation. At the very least, do not do something which you know will continue to harm her marriage. Not only does that mean not marrying him, it means not talking to him anymore at all.
To be blunt, I urge you to cut off all contact with him immediately: completely, with no explanations, no outlets for him to reach you. Change your phone number if you must. Never reach out to him, and do not allow Shaytan to convince you to get back in contact with him at any point, ever again.
Of course, this will be hard on you initially – emotional relationships are often very difficult to extricate oneself from. I recommend that you seek a therapist, or close friends who have wisdom and good sense, and depend on a healthy support system that will encourage you to end this relationship immediately and not to maintain it further.
Remember: this man clearly has serious issues with honesty and fidelity. He has lied to both you and to his wife (and it is irrelevant whether it was an “arranged marriage” or not!).
He does not truly love you, and he does not respect either of you. If he did, he would have approached your wali to pursue marriage immediately, rather than going behind his wife’s back and pursuing a relationship with you for two years. He does NOT love you!
As for yourself, rather than focusing on whether anyone else will want or love you, turn back to Allah and focus your energy on your relationship with Him.
Seek Allah’s Love, and ask Him to provide you with an honorable husband who will truly love and respect you and have a genuinely halal relationship with you.
By developing your relationship as a Muslim, as a believing woman, you will find that though it may still be a challenge to deal with not having a spouse, you will find other ways to expend your energy.
Those other outlets are many, and pleasing to Allah: whether it is pursuing Islamic knowledge, or spending more time with other loved ones in your life (remember: romantic relationships are not the most important relationships that exist!). Or you can even develop new skills in a field that you are interested in.
Check out this counseling video
You will find that shifting your emotional priorities from a romantic relationship to a spiritual relationship with Allah will improve your well-being in so many ways.
Often, Allah will answer your du’aa’ in ways that you don’t expect! The key is to turn to Him first and to do your best to please Him, to express your Love for Him, and to obey Him.
It is currently Ramadan, which is the perfect time to re-center yourself and remind yourself of Allah’s Love.
Create a du’aa’ list and think about what you really want out of life, and what you seek Allah’s assistance in achieving. Only He can give you what you want and need, in both this world and the Hereafter!
May Allah replace that which is haraam with that is halaal and blessed for you. May you find love, comfort, joy, and ease with those who love Allah and whom He loves. May you have a beautiful, blessed Ramadan and emerge stronger and happier than ever,
Ameen!
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
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