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I’ve Married a Married Man; I Feel Deserted & Depressed

Questioner

India, 34, female

Reply Date

May 21, 2019

Question

Asslamalaikum. I have married the 3d time to a married man without the consent of his wife. I feel now that he has played a double game with me. He is keeping both of us in darkness. I feel so deserted. I think my life is worthless and I should die.

Counselor

Answer


In this counseling answer:

•Speak with your husband about your feelings and concerns.

•If he cannot provide satisfactory support and answers, please do write to our “Ask the Scholar” section with details or see your local imam.

•Insha’Allah, please do see a counselor in your area to address your feelings of what may be depression.

•I encourage you to attend the mosque in your area and begin to create supports within the community of sisters there.

 


As salamu alaykum my dear sister,

I will do my best to address your question, inshallah. As you do not provide much information sister, from what I can gather, you have married a man and you are his second wife. According to you, his first wife does not know, and you feel both of you are in “darkness”. I can imagine that you are very hurt sister and feel your husband has betrayed you and his first wife.

As you know sister, in Islam a man can have up to four wives if he follows its Islamic conditions. It is thoughtful and considerate if a husband discusses his intent to take another wife with his current wife; however, as far as I know, he does not need her approval. If you want to know more about the conditions of taking a second wife, please write to Ask about Islam, inshallah.

The Nature of your Marriage

Sister, regarding your marriage to your husband, I’m wondering if your marriage was made public (community knowledge)? If it was not public, there are some scholars who state it is haram because it is going against the sunnah which stresses that marriage be made known and public.

karim serageldin & naaila clay

Dear sister, I am not sure if this pertains to you, so please forgive me if I am wrong, but I just thought I would include this if it were relevant in your case.

Identifying Sources of Confusion and Uncertainty

Are you in contact with his first wife? Do you know her? As I am unsure as to the relationship between the three of you as well as your living arrangements, I will kindly advise you to discuss with your husband your concerns.

Insha’Allah sister, you are familiar with your rights regarding marriage. I would suggest insha’Allah, that you make a list of things that are not clear to you regarding your marriage. You may use the facts and rights granted to you as a Muslim wife to discuss things with your husband that are of concern.

Seeking Answers and Resolving Issues

Insha’Allah, your husband will provide comfort and security regarding your concerns. If he does not, you may want to go to your local masjid and speak with an imam regarding your situation. Seeking Islamic counsel will provide an opportunity for you to expand upon your situation in detail.

We also have a section here called “Ask the Scholars”, perhaps the feedback and advice you may get will be more entailed and specific to your situation. I encourage you to write them sister or see your imam where you live.


Check out this counseling video


Feeling Deserted and Worthless

At this point I just don’t know what the situation is, other than you are married to a man who has a wife and you are “feeling so deserted that (you) think (your) life is worthless”. You further state that you are left in darkness and you feel you should die. Based on your emotional state, I will kindly suggest dear sister that you do seek counseling in your area regarding the way you feel. I am concerned about your emotional state. 

Sister, please know that while you may feel depressed or sad right now, there is always a solution insha’Allah. You can write us again with more detail if you wish. Please know you are not alone.

Allah does not create “worthless” things or people sister. You are loved, cherished, and precious in the sight of Allah. Allah tests us all with different things in this life, sister. Often, we just have to take the steps to get our answers and ultimately if needed, make changes in our lives.

It is never too late to make changes, sister. Our biggest blessings often come after we have made our way through a darkness, with Allah as our stronghold.  

Conclusion

Sister, please do speak with your husband about your feelings and concerns. If he cannot provide satisfactory support and answers, please do write to our “Ask the Scholar” section with details or see your local imam. Insha’Allah, please do see a counselor in your area to address your feelings of what may be depression. I encourage you to attend the mosque in your area and begin to create supports within the community of sisters there.

Insha’Allah, dear sister, some of this has been helpful, please do let us know how you are or write to us with further details if you would like.

Salam, 

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Husband Forgot to Tell Me He Was Married; I Left Him

I Can’t Accept That He Wants a Second Wife

Am I Sinful to Love a Married Man?




About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

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