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I Hit My Child and Feel Guilty

Questioner

Anonymous

Reply Date

Sep 19, 2018

Question

When ever my 6 years old girl doesn't listen to me, I hit her badly. I hate doing it. I feel guilty. I am a bad mother. how can I stop hitting my daughter? really I can’t control my temper. Do I need a professional help.

Counselor

Answer


In this counseling answer:

” I would kindly suggest getting her into counseling with a child therapist as well as getting yourself engaged in therapy for your own issues which has led to anger, rage and uncontrollable violent towards your daughter. In the meantime, if you feel you cannot refrain from hurting your daughter, please do let a family member keep her while you get help for your issues.”


As salamu alaykum sister,

Shokran for writing to us.  While I can understand your frustration at times when dealing with your daughter there is no excuse for hitting your daughter and taking your anger and rage out on her. In fact, depending on what country you live in, you could lose your child or go to jail. Abusing anyone, especially a child is a serious offense not only in society in general but Islamically as well.

You are being an oppressor and aggressor of your child and this is a grave sin, and will be held accountable to Allah sister for the abusive treatment of your daughter. Allah SWT has given us children as gifts, we are the trustee’s of beautiful little children who by the mercy of Allah we conceived and gave birth to. This behavior has to stop immediately.

While I do not know how long this has been going on, I am sure your daughter has suffered some type of psychological damage because of it. I would kindly suggest getting her into counseling with a child therapist as well as getting yourself engaged in therapy for your own issues which has led to anger, rage and uncontrollable violent towards your daughter. In the meantime, if you feel you cannot refrain from hurting your daughter, please do let a family member keep her while you get help for your issues.


Check out this counseling video


Sister, often times parents who abuse their children were victims of abuse themselves as children. If no help was given, children who are victims, and later survivors of childhood abuse often grow up have children of their own and do the same thing to their children.

It is a sad, vicious cycle. Whatever your case may be, I beg you sister to seek the help you need to save not only your daughter from a life of anguish but yourself as well. As you expressed great regret and remorse I know you love your daughter very much and your inability to control your actions must cause you much anguish.

There are a lot of organizations which can help you sister. Ask your family physician for a referral to a therapist or look for one online who has a high recommendation rate. Recently, there is a lot of work being done in the area of Alternatives for Families-Cognitive behavioral Therapy (1). The model has a high success rate sister and according to the model it is beneficial stating that “AF-CBT pulls together many techniques currently used by practitioners, such as behavior and anger management, affect regulation, problem-solving, social skills training, cognitive restructuring, and communication”.

By utilizing these many techniques for treatment which is basically intertwined in cases of abuse, the family has a higher chance of successfully recovering from a dysfunctional home life, and becoming one of trust, loving interactions and freedom from violence and fear. If you so chose to do so insha’Allah, ask if this type of therapy is available. If not please do seek out a therapist who is experienced in abuse and domestic violence as well as CBT.

Lastly dear sister, please do seek Allah’s forgiveness and repent for abusing your precious daughter. Make duaa that Allah grant you mercy, forgiveness and helps you to stop this horrific behavior. Please engage yourself at the Masjid for prayer and Islamic events and if you have not already, seek out the support of a parent group there. You need not tell your personal issues right away, but do indicate that you are in need of support and are there to learn coping skills, Islamic guidance.

Insha’Allah sister, if you have family members and/or friends who can be supportive, reach out to them for help. While I am not sure if you are raising your daughter alone or not, a good support system is needed. Speak with a trusted imam for Islamic guidance as well and please do schedule your counseling appointment as soon as possible. Insha’Allah, remember if you cannot refrain from harming your daughter, give her to a family member or call crisis services for help. I am not sure where you live but for the USA Crisis services/Parent/child Helpline is 1-800-4ACHILD.

Sister, you are in our prayers, please seek the help you need. Let us know how you and your daughter are doing.

1-https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/cognitive.pdf
2-https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/

Salam

***

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About Aisha Mohammad

Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word poetry projects.

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