Dear brothers and sisters,

Thanks for sharing your concerns!

Check out the 9 questions our counselor just answered. Didn’t see yours? No worries! Join our next session or resubmit your question for another chance to get advice. Ramadan Mubarak!

Question 1. Lonely Ramadan

Assalamu Alaikum, I’m a newlywed and I’m my husband’s second wife. It’s only a few days into Ramadan and I’m experiencing a lot of loneliness. I am also a revert so I don’t have many Muslim friends or family to share these times with. 

My husband is spending this Ramadan with his first wife and family which leaves me all alone. Communication from his side is really bad and even when I call him he does not answer. Despite it being Ramadan, this is a problem generally.. but it’s worse in the month of Ramadan because he will not take out the time from his Ramadan time with his family to spend time with me. 

His first wife and family are not happy about his second marriage and I don’t think he has even told them that we are married. “Out of respect” but with me he’s so open and calls his first wife whenever he wants and when she asks him to. 

How can I speak to him to make him understand my feelings and point about also prioritising my feelings and making me feel appreciated? 

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullah, dear sister,

Thank you for writing to us, and first of all, Ramadan Mubarak to you. May Allah accept your good deeds, worship, and forgive you during this blessed month.

You mentioned that you are a newlywed and a convert to Islam, and that you are your husband’s second wife. You also shared that you are feeling very lonely during Ramadan because your husband is spending it with his first wife and her family, leaving you alone. You mentioned that the communication from his side is generally poor, and that he doesn’t really respond to you. In fact, you even doubt that he has told his first wife about your marriage. At the same time, you say that he is open and calls her whenever she asks. Your question is about how to communicate your feelings to him so that he understands and prioritizes your emotional needs, making you feel appreciated.

Well, sister, it seems to me that we are dealing with two main issues here: one is related to Ramadan, and the other concerns your relationship with your husband.

Starting with the issue of Ramadan:
I want you to understand that, yes, Ramadan, especially culturally speaking, is often seen as a time for community gatherings, Iftars together, and feeling the spirit of Ramadan. However, this is more of a cultural aspect of Ramadan. 

Spiritually, Ramadan is a time for us to strengthen our taqwa (God-consciousness) and strive to purify ourselves. In this sense, Ramadan is a time when, in some ways, we are all alone. Every action we perform, especially our fasting, is done solely for the sake of Allah. We turn to Him in prayer, recite Qur’an, engage in dhikr (remembrance of Allah), and do good deeds for His sake. These are all personal acts of worship, done alone for the sake of Allah, seeking to deepen our connection with Him. So, in this sense, being alone during Ramadan can actually be seen as a blessing, as it provides an opportunity to focus entirely on Allah and deepen your connection with Him.

That said, Ramadan also involves social connections, such as the Taraweeh prayers at the mosque, where the community gathers after Isha prayer. You can look for a local mosque where you feel comfortable, or even explore different mosques to experience different recitations and reflections. There are also community Iftars, where you can break your fast with other Muslims and feel a sense of belonging. Volunteering for charitable programs during Ramadan is another excellent way to meet other people and be part of a community. Additionally, online lectures and videos on platforms like YouTube can be a great way to enrich your heart and mind with knowledge and the love of Allah.

Regarding your relationship with your husband:
Your emotional needs are completely valid, and I’m really sorry that you are going through this situation. Allah has given you rights as a second wife, and it’s important to recognize and advocate for those rights. Just because you are the second wife doesn’t mean you should be treated unjustly, nor should your emotional needs be overlooked. The issue here is about fairness, and it must be addressed rationally, like a contract about the mutual duties that each spouse has towards one another.

To ensure that you are treated fairly, you and your husband need to have an open conversation about your needs and the expectations within your marriage. You may discuss matters like phone calls, time together, and boundaries, ensuring that both parties respect each other’s feelings. If there are particular things that make you uncomfortable (such as phone calls with his first wife in your presence), you should express this and ask him to respect your wishes. Similarly, he should be open to communicating with you in a way that acknowledges and prioritizes your needs as well.

If possible, it might be helpful to seek support from a trusted community leader or family member, especially if they are familiar with your situation. If your parents are not Muslim, they might still offer valuable emotional support and help advocate for your rights.

In terms of his relationship with his first wife, it’s important to note that Islam allows him the right to marry more than one wife, but it is a big responsibility, and justice and fairness must be maintained. Your husband should be reminded of his duties as a husband and must strive to treat both of you with fairness.

Additionally, I would encourage you to reflect on your own needs for appreciation and consider ways you can express those needs. It might be helpful to engage in counseling or therapy, where you can work on assertive communication, setting boundaries, and enhancing your self-esteem. 

This can help you approach your situation with more confidence and will allow you to better communicate your needs to your husband. 

May Allah grant you a healthier and more balanced relationship where you feel appreciated and respected, ameen

Question 2. Struggling to fast during Ramadan

Assalamu Alaiykum,

Hope this finds you well. This 2025 Ramadan is the hardest one because of my circumstances. I live in the UK as a lodger with a White British landlady and her daughter. The problem is that the landlady has asked me not to use the toilet between 23:00-06:00 because the ablution I take after I had used the toilet wakes her up, which affects her work and health. This sounds silly because, after fasting for a long period of time, I feel the need to hydrate myself, so that I don’t get ill. She has asked me to compromise by using the downstairs toilet. The problem with the downstairs toilet is that the sink is out of reach from the toilet, plus the floor is made of wood. If the floor gets damaged because of water spillage, then she will hold me accountable. I had a chat with my Mom and I told her that I don’t feel like fasting as it is stressing me substantially. I am getting anxious as if I am suffocating. I didn’t have to face such a bad circumstance in the UK because I was living on-campus. I am unable to focus on my work. People claim that the UK is tolerant towards religion, but I don’t think so. I am getting insane as I do not wish to miss fasting.

Washing myself makes me feel better and purified. I am reluctant to compromise on this. Now I feel like I wish that I wasn’t born – I could not believe how much this will take a toll on my mental health.

Could you please let me know how I can maintain my hygiene  during this blessed month of Ramadan?

At my landlady’s house drinking water and using the toilet anytime at night seems like I am committing a great crime. I feel like crying out really loud. I am already under stress as I am unable to find a job, and this situation has added to it makes it like I really need to die.

I know it sounds silly the concern I am raising, but I would appreciate your help on this matter.

May Allah Almighty reward you in this Ramadan!

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for your question. I completely understand your frustration and anxiety, as it seems that in your own home, you are unable to feel relaxed, and you feel restricted and anxious about fulfilling your basic needs. During Ramadan, this has intensified due to the changes in your daily schedule, and of course, that is a frustrating feeling.

Well, I think it is understandable and okay that when we live with others, we need to respect each other’s needs. I also understand your landlord’s concern. She believes that your use of the toilet at night is waking her up. She feels that this is disturbing her rest, which understandably makes her uncomfortable.

She has asked you to use the downstairs toilet, but that does not have a sink, and the floor is made of wood, so you’re concerned that water spillage could damage the floor and she might hold you accountable for that.

To address your concern about maintaining your hygiene while being respectful to her needs, I would first suggest understanding that this is a common situation when living with others, especially non-Muslims, who have different daily routines. It’s okay to have this experience, but we must learn to respect each other. While she is the owner of the house, you are paying rent for your space, so you should not feel like you’re doing something wrong or being treated unfairly. If she makes you feel uncomfortable, this could be a good time to reflect on whether you want to continue living there or consider finding a place where you feel more at peace.

In the long term, it may be worth considering moving in with other Muslim sisters or finding shared accommodation that better fits your lifestyle, especially in places like the UK, where such opportunities might be more common. This could help you feel more comfortable during Ramadan and beyond.

In the short term, here are some practical steps you can consider:

1. Floor Protection: The floor may not get damaged as much during a few weeks of use, especially if you can take some small steps to clean up after using the toilet.  Perhaps buying a plastic mat or carpet to protect the wood floor from water spills can help. Additionally, you can wipe and dry the floor after use to avoid any damage.
2. Timing: Another option could be to use water after 6:00 a.m. upstairs, when you can shower and clean yourself. I know that it is not the same as purifying yourself right after using the toilet, but it is still an existing option, and you don’t feel that the whole day is spent without being able to perform your necessary hygiene rituals.

Remember, as long as you are paying rent, you are entitled to live there in comfort, and you shouldn’t feel like you’re doing something wrong. If needed, kindly explain to your landlord why you need to use the toilet at certain times and discuss your cleanliness practices with her. This may help her understand your needs as well.

I also understand that your landlord has her own needs and must wake up early for work. It can be a valid need, depending on her intentions. But if you feel that her request is simply an excuse to restrict or treat you unfairly because of your religion or any prejudice she might have, this could be a reminder. 

Know that you deserve to live in a place where you feel respected and comfortable. If something is preventing you from feeling at home, you have the right to make changes, even if that means moving.

Taking this experience could be a blessing in disguise. We can all learn from our experiences—like cohabiting with others, tolerating different routines, and respecting each other’s needs.

Remember that you always have the option to choose a place where you feel welcome and at ease. You deserve comfort and respect in your own home. If something is preventing that, don’t be afraid to make a change.

May Allah bless you during this Ramadan.

Question 3. My Wife Lacks Desire

I have been married for over two decades. We had our ups and downs during our married lives.

To make a long story short, my wife keeps denying me intimacy. She keeps saying that she doesn’t have feelings and I should find another woman to do NIKAH inorder to fulfill my desire. I know having affairs outside of marriage is extremely prohibited & I don’t prefer to go that route. She refused to seek medical attention or advice. She’s a homemaker, and we just live by ourselves with our two children. I’m just confused. Financially, I cannot afford to have a 2nd wife. If I do, I have to divorce my current wife in order to get a 2nd wife. My wife prefers me to live as a roommate without getting physically engaged.

I’m just confused. Meeting strangers outside, isn’t only HARAM , BUT UNHEALTHY as well.

Assalamualaikum Brother,

Thank you for sharing your concern regarding intimacy in your marriage. From what you’ve described, it seems that after two decades of marriage, your wife is no longer interested in intimacy and expresses that she doesn’t have feelings for it. She has also suggested that you find another woman to marry in order to fulfill your sexual desires. However, financially, you feel that this is not an option for you, especially with two children to care for. The only solution you see is potentially divorcing her.

Let’s start by saying that marriage comes with both rights and duties, and one of the fundamental rights in marriage is the right to intimacy—this applies to both the husband and the wife.

But even in a good marriage, when love, affection, kindness, and respect exist, there can still be a situation where the intimacy needs of both partners differ. This can be a main source of conflict in a marriage, as differing needs for intimacy must be navigated through compromise, bringing both parties closer together.

What does this mean?

It doesn’t mean that one partner should completely give up their right to intimacy, nor should the other completely give in for the sake of the other’s needs. It’s about finding a balance, which may require sacrifices from both sides. Your wife must also understand that you have a legitimate right to intimacy, and as long as you cannot afford to marry another wife and treat her justly (financially and otherwise), this can not be an option for you. By preventing you from fulfilling this God-given right, she is not fulfilling her responsibilities within the marriage.

First, you need to clarify what you truly want and have an open and honest conversation with your wife about this matter. 

Explore the options available to you, and it may be helpful to involve a scholar (shaykh) who can guide you in such a situation. Islamically, fairness and equal rights are required among wives, but there may be options where one party can give up some of their rights in exchange for others. This was even seen during the time of the Prophet (PBUH) when one wife voluntarily gave up her nights in favor of her co-wife, and that was deemed acceptable.

If your wife is unwilling to sacrifice or compromise in order to meet your needs, you may assess what you can offer to a second wife, both financially and emotionally, and whether that is feasible. Additionally, consider what your first wife might need to give up in order to make this arrangement possible. Maybe finances, maybe less time together, etc. She has to understand the consequences of her position, and be ready to make some sacrifices because she is preventing you from fulfilling your rights.

Explore these options more deeply with a scholar, being the 3 together. This will help you understand whether a second marriage is a valid option, how it can be done according to Islamic guidelines, and under what conditions.

It’s important to approach this matter carefully, discuss openly with your wife, and with any future candidate, and make sure everyone understands and agrees on the conditions. I hope this helps. Please consider speaking with a scholar to explore the halal ways of addressing differing needs in a marriage, and see if a solution that aligns with Islamic teachings can be found. It’s crucial that all conditions are discussed openly and fairly so that everyone involved is aware of the decisions being made.

May Allah guide you and make things easy for you. Ramadan mubarak, 

Question 4. Marriage 

Am not happy with my marriage because my husband keeps saying that he married me only for his needs not to be with me like a life partner. And also he says that I don’t have the future and l’wll cause his downfall, this behavior keeps going on and we marriage for 3 years now and he doesn’t listen to me about how I feel, he never support me like emotion needs, financial needs, mental and physical needs..he never make me feel like I am important to him never he always makes me feel like I am no one in his life. I have been enduring so much 😩 sometimes I feel like getting divorce but I fear Allah might punish me for my decision l fear that I might end up committing the major sin in front of Allah, that is why I stay quiet. I did everything that I could do to make him change his mind and the way he behaves towards me but he doesn’t want to listen to me, what should I do? Coz am tired i cry so much in my life marriage

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for reaching out and explaining your struggle with your husband. From your letter, it seems that he is manipulative and narcissistic towards you. He says that you don’t have a future, that you’ll cause his downfall, and that he doesn’t need you as a life partner—only for intimacy. These are very hurtful words, and it must be painful for you to hear all of this from a husband. You deserve kindness, fairness, and respect in marriage. Such words don’t reflect that, and they seem designed to make you feel down or not good enough, which is not acceptable.

By the way, these things are not true. No one can cause another person’s downfall except for themselves. Everyone is responsible for their own actions. You mentioned that you never feel supported regarding your emotional, financial, mental, and physical needs. He never makes you feel important; rather, it seems like he treats you as if you’re a nobody in his life. I truly understand that this must be very painful, and I feel for you.

You mentioned feeling like you should get a divorce, but you fear that Allah SWT might punish you for your decision. So you stay quiet. 

Sister, I must tell you that marriage in Islam comes with obligations, duties, and rights for both parties. Yes, in the sight of Allah, marriage is sacred and divorce is disliked, but what we are talking about is a situation where both parties are righteous, God-fearing, and show good manners. They should be working on resolving conflicts, treating each other with fairness and kindness, and striving to achieve the goal of marriage, which is tranquility. Marriage should be based on rahma (compassion), forgiveness, and mutual respect.

It doesn’t seem like this is happening in your marriage right now. From what you’ve shared, it seems that you are in an oppressed situation. Do you think Allah, the Most Just,  wants you to remain in a situation, where your rights (God-given ones) are not granted? I believe that it is entirely your right to seek a solution and avoid oppression.

There are two things you can do:

1. Try to communicate to your husband that this behavior is unacceptable, and ask him to speak to you with the respect you deserve. If you have any doubts about your own self-worth due to his treatment, I encourage you to seek counseling. It is important to support yourself and work on your self-esteem and self-confidence. You deserve better treatment. You are worthy of kindness, love, and care, and you have the right to demand fairness and respect from your husband.
2. Once you feel ready and confident, you can speak with him directly, expressing your feelings and your need for change. You do not have to remain in an unhealthy situation. You are a free person, and you can step out of this marriage if you are not being treated as you deserve according to Islamic principles.

At this point, if necessary, you can involve someone who can support you, whether it’s a family member, a community member, an Imam, or someone who can positively influence your husband. If you have a good relationship with his family and think they can help, you might want to involve them as well.

In summary, try to seek ways to improve the situation. If there is no change and he continues to oppress and belittle you, sister, I believe you have every right to step out of this marriage. You can also seek advice from a scholar on this matter. I’m sharing an article with you about the reasons for divorce in Islam from our website.

Please make Dua to Allah, ask Him to guide you, and seek clarity in your decision. May Allah grant you strength and help you in this difficult situation.

Question 5. Imaginary Husband

Assalamualaikum, I have an imaginary husband who gives me attention, love and meets my physical needs. I always crave for all this in my current marriage. A Lot of the times I feel pain due to this. My husband is less intimate and always busy with work, he does not meet my emotional needs . Is this a valid reason for separation? I’m always hesitant to do anything like this as it’s a big decision. My husband doesn’t agree to go to counseling as I mentioned my problem. I don’t feel attracted to him , and then in rare cases I do feel it and sometimes I force my mind to feel .

I just want to move on in life as this is an ongoing issue . What to do .

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for your question. You mentioned that your husband does not meet your emotional needs and is always busy with work, only being available for intimacy. You are praying for emotional connection, but he doesn’t agree to go to counseling. As you mentioned, this has been an ongoing issue, and you feel that you are forcing yourself to feel attraction towards him. You are unsure about how to move forward in life with this continuing struggle.

You also mentioned that as a result, you often imagine a husband who gives you attention, love, and meets your needs. Yes, unfortunately, this is very sad, as marriage is supposed to be a companionship where we provide each other with love, tranquility, and affection. However, sometimes, this doesn’t come easily and requires effort and ongoing work.

I’m not sure if something specific happened between both of you, but I’m wondering whether this situation has always been present in your marriage or if it is a more recent pattern. Understanding the origin of this situation may help in resolving it.

It’s important to recognize that there are often differences in the ways we express and need love, and in how we define what love means. Many studies show that our early experiences and attachment styles influence how we give and receive love. People with insecure anxious attachment styles, for example, may crave more love, care, and attention. If they are paired with someone who is more avoidant in their expressions of love, a cycle can develop. The more one person craves love and attention, the more the other person distances themselves. This often creates anxiety for the person seeking affection, and the other person responds by withdrawing even more. This is a common pattern in relationships.

That is why it would be helpful to examine the underlying fears behind your and his behavior. For instance, those who avoid expressing love and intimacy often have fears, such as fear of rejection or difficulty expressing emotions due to early experiences. On the other hand, the person who craves love and care may do so from a fear of being abandoned or left alone.

Sister, I’m not sure if this resonates with your situation, but if it does, I encourage you to learn more about these attachment styles and how they influence relationships. The goal is to achieve secure attachment and a balanced connection in your relationship. In a secure connection, both togetherness and independence are maintained. You should feel okay and complete even when not with your partner, and you can find other meaningful connections in your life. At the same time, you should be able to express love and care for each other.

The goal is also to express your needs and communicate assertively about your boundaries without either invading or avoiding the other person’s space.

What I would suggest is that both of you try to understand where each of you is coming from and what might be behind your husband’s behavior. Addressing the underlying causes is important for both of you. I mention this because, in Islam, divorce is only advised when reconciliation is impossible. So, it’s important to first try to find solutions, and both parties should be willing to work on it.

You can involve someone who can support you, like a trusted family member or friend. Perhaps you could talk to your husband and encourage him to see that avoiding conflicts or withdrawing is also a form of deprivation of the other’s rights. Even though he may be unwilling to go for counseling, someone who understands him might be able to help him see the value of improving his marriage—for his own sake, for the sake of the marriage, and for the sake of Allah. 

A healthier balance can be reached when neither party feels constantly pressured or unable to give and get what the other needs, which may lead to more withdrawal and dissatisfaction.

Finally, sister, I want to remind you that Allah is the ultimate source of rahma (mercy), love, connection, forgiveness, and peace in our lives. Our human connections are valuable, but they are not as stable or infallible as our connection with Allah. Make sure to prioritize your relationship with Him and turn to Him for guidance and support with your needs.

I wish you the best, and may Allah make it easy for you.

Question 6. Silent Treatment

Salam alikom , I’m a married woman with 2 children .

We had a good relationship for the 5 or 6 first years but he was always quite controlling. I was patient but didn’t tolerate that. Then he became very resentful, ignoring me for 3 or 4 months for silly reasons. In he had cancer and was treated with chemo. It was a very difficult period but now he feels better but he became more fragile and sensible. Then I lost my dad and he lost his mum with whom the relationship isn’t perfect as she was very close to her children including my husband and because of that there were some tensions. And 3 years ago I went to my country for holidays and had an argument with my sister, and my mother wasn’t happy and resented me for that. 

My husband called my mum and sister without me knowing and after that I knew that they told him what happened but also lied about how it really happened. From that moment he couldn’t look me in the eyes, giving me silent treatment for more than 1 year. I am so anxious I don’t feel well emotionally even if I work and try to have some quality time with my children and friends. He doesn’t give the reason why he wants to live that way . Please, I don’t know how to deal with it and need your help and advice.

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for reaching out. You explained that you are experiencing silent treatment from your husband. You mentioned that you both had a good relationship for the first five or six years, but he became quite controlling. Then, he was diagnosed with cancer, which was a very difficult time for everyone. He changed and became more fragile and sensitive. Afterward, you lost your mom, and he lost his dad.

You also described a situation with your sister, where, without going into details, an argument occurred, and through your mother, he came to know about it in a way that didn’t reflect the truth. Since then, he hasn’t been able to look you in the eye and has given you silent treatment for over a year.

You mentioned feeling anxious and emotionally unwell, which is completely understandable, sister. Silent treatment is a common but unhealthy way of treating each other in marriage. It often stems from an attempt to manipulate, change behavior, or express resentment, but it’s not a healthy way to communicate dissatisfaction or deal with an issue.

The thing is, you didn’t explain the reason behind his silent treatment or why he started behaving this way. Therefore, I’m unsure about what really happened. I’m not sure if he was hurt, felt betrayed, rejected, or if something triggered his fears. I don’t know whether you think you might have done something, intentionally or unintentionally, that could have caused him to feel this way, but perhaps there’s something he’s trying to achieve, or maybe he is seeking revenge.

If you want to seek a solution, it might be helpful to go back to the root of this issue, to understand the underlying cause, and see if your behavior triggered deeper emotions in him. Consider whether there is anything you can modify or correct in your approach. It would be good to bring it to the surface, andt it’s okay from your side to admit any mistakes, because we all make them. 

At the same time, it’s also okay to express that you need healthier communication in your marriage. Whatever happened between you both, this treatment should not be a stagnant, permanent attitude toward each other—there is always room for change.

I also have to say that this type of communication pattern—such as withdrawing and giving silent treatment—is quite common, unfortunately. Communication may not be as empathetic or assertive, and sometimes the way conflicts are handled could be passive or avoidant. So, this might be how he learned to deal with conflict—by turning away and giving the silent treatment. While this may be the case, it’s important to note that it’s still not acceptable. It is a very painful experience and usually stems from a place of fear and rejection.

Please try to express to him that you would like to seek a solution. Let him know that you want to feel better in the relationship, whatever mistakes you both have done, and you are willing to work on improving your communication and the way you handle situations. You can ask him to do the same. If necessary, you can involve someone who can help clear things up—someone who can support both of you in resolving this. You could explain that this is not only for the two of you but also for the sake of your children, so they can have a healthier example of conflict resolution and communication between spouses.

In marriage, it’s okay to feel hurt at times. It also happens that we get triggered and become emotionally vulnerable. However, we always have a choice in how we act on those emotions. We need to try our best not to act out of fear, hurt, revenge, and start pressuring, or manipulating others to “punish” or to get what we want. 

We should aim to do things with good intentions, for the sake of Allah and the improvement of our relationships. In the end, we will be held accountable for our actions and inactions, and this applies to both him and you.

Hopefully, by understanding each other’s core reasons for behaving in this way, and showing vulnerability, you can work through this together. If he has more difficulty with this than you, you can lead by example and show him that it’s okay to admit mistakes and seek forgiveness and reconciliation. This can be a long and difficult learning process, especially if we’ve experienced trauma in the past that makes us hesitant to show vulnerability. However, with sincere communication, honesty, and Allah’s help, it is possible to work through it, either with the support of a professional or together.

May Allah make it easy for all of you.

Question 7. Bad Thoughts During Ramadan

Salam, even though the shaytan is locked away I still have negative thoughts sometimes about Islam and I feel super guilty. I’ve always had negative thoughts and feelings but now I feel sinful because these thoughts are purely me without the shaytan’s influence. I still find difficulty dropping my bad habits. Is there any advice you can share? 

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for your question. You mentioned that you are in Ramadan and struggling with your thoughts. You feel sinful because you believe these thoughts are purely from you, without the influence of Shaytan, and you say this because, of course, we know from the Hadith that Shayatin (the devils) are locked away during Ramadan. You find it difficult to drop your bad habits and ask for any advice.

Well, sister, let me clarify that yes, we know from the Hadith that Shayatin are locked away during Ramadan. However, I cannot recall any Hadith that says we will be free from waswasa during this month.

Dear sister, whether your thoughts are waswasa or from your own mind, as long as you don’t act upon them, you are not sinful. We are not accountable for thoughts because we can hardly control them. For example, it has been demonstrated in psychological experiments that the more you try to suppress a thought, the more it will come back.

Instead of putting in a huge effort to avoid or control thoughts that you cannot, try accepting that we all have them. We have around 60,000 to 70,000 thoughts a day, and we don’t pay attention to most of them. So why focus on the ones that come during Ramadan? Remember: either waswasa or products of your nafs, you do not have to identify with them.

Let them pass. Acknowledge them without judgment and let them go. Imagine it like a cloud passing through the sky. That’s all you need to do. No need to link them to any feelings, like shame or guilt, etc, just like you do not do that to most of your other thoughts. 

Regarding breaking habits, yes, when we try to break a habit, it usually takes some time to consolidate new behaviors. It’s often said that it takes at least three weeks to establish new habits, but some habits take even longer. Give yourself time. It’s okay if it feels hard at the beginning. It’s okay to struggle. Allow your brain, body, and heart the time they need to adjust to your new routine. You are not alone in this.

Keep up with your commitments during Ramadan and accept that it’s okay to struggle. Sometimes we have high expectations about how we should feel during Ramadan, expecting an elevated mood all the time, but that’s not realistic.

I am not sure what Islamic content you consume, but know that reminders should not create pressure or unrealistic expectations. They are here to encourage us to strive for the best version of ourselves, but it doesn’t mean we are failures if we can’t achieve that overnight. Everyone has their own pace, struggles, and process. We are not all at the same point in our lives, so these commitments and achievements  mean different things to each of us.

I hope this helps and makes it easier for you. May Allah bless you in this month and beyond, 

Question 8. Husband and Wife Issues

Thouh we both are having many fights every now and then, we are friendly and happy ALHAMDHULILLAH. I love him a lot and express it to him often. I expect the same from him. He too loves me but is not so expressive. I have many wishes to fulfill with him but he doesn’t seem to be so. However, He is so caring and never failed to provide me, ALHAMDHULILLAH. I’ve lost my father and brother. But he cares for my mother and two sisters too ALHAMDHULILLAH.

Whatever my problem is, I want to share with him and seek consolation. But he won’t share his problems with me.

If I have misunderstandings with my in-laws, I would tell him. Sometimes it would lead to a fight. While fighting, we both argue. He would throw words uncontrollably out of anger (which I hate), which I couldn’t bear. Immediately I start crying, which he would hate.

I couldn’t come out of those words, they’ll be ringing on my ears. For that I’ll go and ask for clarification, or ask whether he realised his fault, then again a fight would start.

He never spoke about fights and said that he realised. But he would tell me to forget everything and move on. And he would make me normal in some or other way every time, ALHAMDHULILLAH. I always have that feeling of why I am alone realising my faults and he’s not.

I’m only taking care of her the whole day. I’m so stressed and I would react to small things that affect me. He started beating me in fights, which I couldn’t tolerate. But still I never want to hate or leave him. I need him forever In Shaa ALLAH.…

The fight before the last fight, such a scenario happened. For that he has beaten me very hard to stop me from doing stupid things. I couldn’t tolerate that and said I’m afraid to be with you and wanna go to my mom’s place. Later he cried and asked sorry for his violent behaviour. He assured he wouldn’t raise his hand against me.

We had a fight two weeks ago. That was the most bad fight we had ever had and I wanted to forget it. (Actually every fight is getting worse than the previous one). We had hours of argument. He misunderstood all I said and scolded me like anything...

At times he would blackmail me to call his parents, my parents and tell everything. I’m afraid, his parents would mistake me and my parents wouldn’t be at peace. So I don’t want that. So I begged him not to tell anyone. After a long time he accepted and we stopped fighting. Such a worse fight never happened so far and it affected us a lot. I feel sorry that our girl is also suffering.…

…Again a week gone. He’s still the same. I have many questions. How come he’s controlling his emotions or doesn’t he have emotions on me? Does he hate me? He’s not missing me or he’s not showing??

Seriously a hard time for me. Sometimes I’m confident that he would return to me. But sometimes I’m afraid that he won’t. What should I do now? Will I be in the distance and wait for him to be alright or will I take steps to make him normal? I’m confused.

He is my happiness. I made a lot of mistakes. I have realised. Whatever he says, I try to be patient as much as I can in Shaa ALLAH I want to live with him happily.

And one more doubt: I want a second baby (I need a sibling for my daughter) and ask him for years but he was refusing as he was afraid the same neuro issues would happen to new born too. After seven years of requesting, I got pregnant but it ended in an abortion within three months. Still I need a baby. But he again started refusing to have another baby. Is it permissible for a husband? What do I have to do?

Please clear my doubts, counsel me and guide me. I want my husband by my side.

Assalamualaikum sister,

Thank you for your letter. I understand your situation, and may Allah make it easy for you. You explained in your letter about your fights with your husband, which have become very intense.

Let me start with this and then address your concern. Physical violence is not right, and domestic abuse is something that should never be tolerated.

Sister, according to your letter, it seems to me that your husband does feel bad about these fights because, in his way, he tries to repair the damage. I’m not sure, as I’m not talking to him, but it seems to me that he also feels it’s not okay. He loses control, and somehow things escalate. But he is responsible for his actions, and regardless of whether he is married to you or anyone else, he has to learn to control himself, either alone or with the help of a professional. You, too, should not tolerate and enable this behavior and make it clear that it is unacceptable. 

Now, regarding what you wrote about your relationship, it seems to me that we are dealing with differences in needs and in how love and care are expressed. When it comes to companionship, we need to understand that such differences exist, and we must learn to understand and accept each other. This is the starting point.

There are two things at play here. Attachment is about how we develop our understanding of love and how we express it. In our early experiences with caretakers, we learn what love means and how to react in emotionally involved situations. These early bonds shape how safe we feel when we express emotions, how we bond, and how we give and receive care. 

For example, when this bond is secure, we can find a balance between independence and closeness. We are okay being alone, but we also respect each other’s space, and our needs are not overwhelming, invalidating, or intimidating to the other.

When we talk about insecure attachment, it means that either someone over-seeks the other’s presence or distances themselves due to fears of rejection, abandonment, or maybe betrayal. Insecure attachment can take many forms. 

One person might become overly anxious when they feel the other isn’t there for them, triggering fears of abandonment. This can cause anxiety, leading them to seek reassurance and even invade the other person’s space, losing respect for their need for boundaries. He or she feels that the other is not near, not there, not enough loving.

On the other hand, someone who has experienced rejection or emotional neglect in the past may avoid expressing their emotions or withdrawing from conflict, learning to see emotions as threatening because they were not taught how to deal with them properly.

Interestingly, when one partner becomes overly dependent, the other may pull away, leading to a cycle of increased dependence and distancing. The more dependent you become, the more the other may distance themselves, and the more anxious you may feel. This can lead to feelings of rejection and inadequacy, which can hurt the relationship.

So, reading your letter, these two patterns came to my mind. Do you think that it applies to you and your relationship?

If yes, here is what you can do: 

When we approach relationships from this perspective, the goal is to develop a secure attachment—a balance between independence and connection. This is something both of you can work on and reflect upon. Consider whether you’re balancing independence, asserting your needs, and respecting each other’s boundaries. This is something both of you can think about, either alone or with the help of a professional, to discover how you can move towards building a more secure, loving relationship.

Another thing I’d like to tell you is that even in secure attachments, where neither partner withdraws nor invades the other, differences can still exist in how love and care are expressed. It seems that this can happen in your case. We must reflect on how we interpret the other person’s behaviors and accept that sometimes people don’t express love the way we expect them to. 

However, that doesn’t mean they don’t love us. Your husband may express love differently, and his way of showing care may not always match your expectations, but that doesn’t make it any less meaningful. Just because he expresses something in less text lines doesn’t mean it’s less important, than if you express it in many.

It’s essential to understand that the way someone expresses love may differ from our expectations, and it’s about respecting the other person as they are. It is about their love for us behind those actions that matter. 

In your letter, you mentioned that he needs more time, and he asked you to be patient. He also said that for him, being able to control his emotions comes with talking less about them, and that everything will be fine if you accepted him in this way, and this is very important, sister.

You have to think about what he’s telling you because he is expressing his needs. It is up to you to decide whether you understand it as it is said or if you interpret it as indifference or neglect.

You mentioned that you cannot tolerate this neglect, and that he doesn’t seem to miss your happy moments. It’s important to really understand what other people need. It may not necessarily mean that he doesn’t have emotions, but rather that he needs his own space in order to control them. Dear sister, if you need constant reassurance of being loved, it’s important to recognize the healthy extent to which he can provide that without you becoming anxious and he feeling pressured. However, you also need to learn to regulate your anxiety, keeping it within a normal range, and working towards emotional independence.

Furthermore, sister, I would like to remind you that your relationship with Allah is the most important. You should not depend solely on your husband for your peace and happiness. You may have deep emotions, and affection for each other, but never confuse or substitute your dependence on Allah with dependence on anyone else.

Remember that you are an independent person, and you are responsible for your actions. If you find yourself becoming overly dependent on someone other than Allah, you should ask yourself how to find a middle ground between dependence and independence. 

In relationships, there is also the issue of boundaries. Being overly attached or overly dependent can harm a relationship, just as withdrawing emotionally or distancing oneself can.

So, sister, please try to learn more about insecure attachment styles. Both of you should explore ways to be more balanced in your bonding and emotional expression. 

Put Allah first in your relationship and marriage, and try to understand and respect the differences in how love is expressed. Appreciate the ways your husband tries to show his love for you, and understand that sometimes it won’t align with your expectations, but it’s still meaningful. 

Learn to love him for who he is, as he is. InshaAllah, if you find this balance in your relationship and give each other space and respect, the love and care will come back to you both.

Regarding the baby, his fears are valid, and I’m sure he would also like to have more children. That is a natural desire, just like it is for you. Try to understand and validate his feelings. Have you considered seeking medical advice to explore any possible genetic issues that could arise, and base your decision on that? Furthermore, put your full trust in Allah SWT, as He is in control, and whatever He decrees for us is exactly what we need for our development. It is part of our qadr, and there is blessing in it for sure.

May Allah make it easy for you.

Question 9. How to repent and Return to Allah?

One of my friends got into a haram (forbidden) relationship with a girl, and they both committed zina (fornication). Now, he deeply regrets what he did. He wants to end the haram relationship and seek forgiveness from Allah for his sins.

Sometimes, he feels nothing, but other times, he feels a heavy burden on his heart and becomes very distracted. He truly wants to return to the right path and repent, but he is confused. He is worried that his repentance may not be sincere, and he fears that he might fall into the same sin again.

How can he cope with this situation? How can he leave the haram relationship, make sincere repentance, and stay firm on the path of Allah? Please guide.

Assalamu alaikom, brother,

Thank you for asking on behalf of your friend. The main question is how your friend can make sincere repentance and stay firm on the path of Allah. He feels that he might fall into the same sin again and that his repentance may not be sincere, but he would like to return to the right path and repent.

My brother, I will share some articles on repentance and offer some tips from the perspective of a counselor, not a scholar. What I believe can help us in our sincere repentance is truly understanding the wisdom behind the prohibitions and commands of Allah. When we understand that these are for our protection, we can better appreciate the guidance. For example, the reason we are not allowed to enter into a relationship that is haram is because Allah wants to protect us from harm.

Secondly, we must understand that having feelings for someone is normal and natural. What Allah has regulated is the situation and context in which we are allowed to channel those feelings. The protective aspect of it is that in a marriage, we at least ensure that our rights and duties are clearly outlined. This creates a stronger element of protection for both parties and ensures that feelings, desires, and emotions are expressed in a more protective setting.

So, the first step is to help him understand that there is a reason, a good reason, and a blessing in this prohibition. It is for his own sake and well-being. Secondly, he should not feel guilty for having natural feelings—such as desires, attraction, love, attachment, and care for someone else. 

Regret or guilt should not necessarily stem from those feelings and desires, but from how and in what setting he acted upon them. He may need to forgive himself for mistakenly choosing to express those desires and emotions in an inappropriate or prohibited setting. This is a mistake he made, as we all make mistakes.

The third thing is self-forgiveness. What about accepting that he was not strong enough to resist the desire and was not able to channel those energies in a more permissible way? What about forgiving himself, accepting that it was a mistake, and acknowledging that it was not the best choice? 

However, in every choice, there is an opportunity to learn, and inshallah, he can grow from it.

Furthermore, please find some articles here that might help him. May Allah make it easy for him.

• 5 Conditions to Get Your Repentance Accepted
• How Not to Commit Zina Again
• When Life Gets Harder After Repentance