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I Need a Partner, But I’m Still in College

Questioner

H

Reply Date

Feb 04, 2018

Question

As-salamu alaykum. My problem is that I have never had any love affair or relationship as these are not permissible in Islam. But now I feel I really need that emotional support which can only be achieved through a partner. However, at present, I am pursuing my studies and cannot get married right now. Sometimes, I found myself in the dilemma of getting involved in a relationship but I always stop myself as I fear Allah. I don't know what to do! Sometimes, I really found myself being very obsessed to be in a relationship! I hope you can help me.

Counselor

Answer


I Need a Partner, But I’m Still in College - About Islam

In this counseling answer:

“There is no right or wrong age to get married. It comes down to psycho-emotional maturity, relational compatibility, and financial readiness.”


As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,

A lot of young brothers and sisters are struggling with the same situation. I see that you have two problems: one is to avoid committing a sin and the other is being in a relationship or not while in school.

Let’s first try to understand why you need this type of emotional connection and why you feel tempted to commit a sin. Sometimes in school, we are exposed to all types of people and faiths and often their acts go against what we believe. I understand that when we differ from others, we might feel rejected. We don’t identify with our peers and it can be very stressful and confusing. Allah created humans to be social, and it is important for us to connect, communicate and build friendships and relationships in order to progress in life. Emotional connections are necessary to build healthy societies.

With that said sister, there are many ways to have emotional connections and support. In my opinion, there is no such thing as “emotional support that only can be achieved through a partner”. I am not sure about your family situation and friendships, but if you are going through something hard to deal with alone, talk about it with a friend or family member. No doubt a love relationship can offer connection, support, physical and emotional joy, but you can definitely get support from other sources, too, while you are still single.

In fact, the greatest emotional support you can always get is through your prayers and your faith. One of the names of Allah is Al Wali, the Protector Friend, and He is the best companion you can always count on!

“Allah is the Protector of those who believe. He brings them out of the darkness and into the light. But those who do not believe have false deities as protectors. They take them from the light into the darkness. Those are the Companions of the Fire remaining in it timelessly, forever.” ( Surat al-Baqara, 2:257)

Switch your obsession from being in a haram relationship to striving to be in the most important relationship – the one with the Divine. From the day you were born until you die, He is always with you. He is more reliable than anyone else and always rewards you without expecting anything in return. You can connect with God through prayers and by just talking to God like having a conversation. It may seem awkward at first, but with time it will reveal many benefits.

Every time you feel tempted to commit any sin, consider fasting to increase your spirit, lower the bodily appetites, and seek refuge with Allah from Shaytan:

“And if there comes to you from Satan an evil suggestion, then seek refuge in Allah. Indeed, He is the Hearing, the Knowing.” [41:36]

Apart from anything else, if you already have someone in mind but feel it isn’t the right time to get married or want to start to look for a husband, the fact that you are still in school should not stop you.

First of all, if you meet someone and want to get married, you will need some time to get to know your future husband. Halal relationships are possible! With pertinent supervision, it’s very important that you discuss expectations, share things in common, make plans for the future and work on topics of disagreement before you say yes. It all takes time, and actually if you are in college right now, maybe by the time you are sure of your decision, you might be done.

Sometimes, young people let great opportunities to get married pass because they are focused on studying. I think it is as important as your educational status to make sure you find the right person, especially if you are independent of family pressure. If you are still a student, the biggest struggle will be the financial support. If one of the spouses already has a job, it is plausible to start a family with the other one in college. Growing together can be a beautiful experience. It is all matters of planning, taking corrective action, being patient and trusting in Allah.

On the other hand, if both are students, it will be difficult to get married, unless you have external financial support. Right now, you should focus on yourself, studies and be open to getting to know future prospects for marriage. It will take time to find a good match, and it is not something you should ever rush!

“And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. If they should be poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is all-Encompassing and Knowing.” (Surat An-Nur 24:32)

In any case, I want to share few benefits of getting married in a young age, which can also be used as an argument when discussing with the families:

  • The husband and wife will be able to protect themselves from all the temptations that surround them. This should be one of the top reasons for getting married young.
  • The couple will be able to grow together through good and hard times and be a support for one another throughout their lives.
  • Younger people can adapt easily to changing environments, and it’s easier for them to break bad habits as compared to people who are older.
  • Getting married young brings about responsibility and maturity at a much younger age. Both the wife and husband become more mature and responsible and settle into their roles.

There is no right or wrong age to get married. It comes down to psycho-emotional maturity, relational compatibility, and financial readiness. May Allah guide you on your journey.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Karim Serageldin

Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting

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