I have made lots of dua so that this obsession goes away. Recently I completed 100,000 zikr of 'La ilaha illallah' regarding the dua to get this feeling away from my heart. Now I have accepted the fate that this feeling is not going away anytime soon. However, considering my family tradition, my situation and all other criteria, marriage at this time is NOT AN OPTION.
I had an exclusive chance to communicate or befriend her. But I kept my distance from her. Even if she tries to communicate with me and tries to talk, I escaped the possibility. For this reason, I don’t know whether she likes me or not. My plan is, when the proper time comes, I will approach her family to marry her.
Question: Recently, when she tried to reach me, I closed the door to communication and that was undoubtedly rude. My heart was broken into pieces while doing that. Should I be worried about my fate of marriage?
Will my fate of marriage be (possibly) affected by how I behave with her? And, I will be very grateful, if you give me any suggestions regarding my approach to her.
Assalamu Alaikum.
(My heartiest appreciation to you for all the good things you are doing for Islam, Muslim, and humanity.)
Answer
In this counseling session:
“Brother, first and foremost – it is important to realize that there are a lot of intricacies involved in whether you will be able to marry this girl, and how it will work out. To answer your question simply, I feel, yes – there could be problems later on in any relationship; based on how you communicate to the other person.”
Assalamu Alaikum Brother,
From your post, it is evident that you like a girl and you feel very strongly attracted to her and you plan to marry her someday (InshaAllah) however, since you can not marry her at the moment – you try to avoid her as much as you can – and you even closed the door to communication when she tried to approach you. You want to know if your marriage will be affected by this behavior.
Brother, first and foremost – it is important to realize that there are a lot of intricacies involved in whether you will be able to marry this girl, and how it will work out. To answer your question simply, I feel, yes – there could be problems later on in any relationship; based on how you communicate to the other person.
If for instance, she reached out to you for anything, and you were rude to her; she is likely to assume that you are generally a rude person, further – she may also deduce that you are not interested in a relationship with her, and could feel rejected.
Feelings are a part of being human
Brother, I feel it is important to recognize that feelings are a part of being a human being, and admitting about having feelings; should not give you shame. If you feel a pull towards the girl, no amount of istaghfar will take it away – and it is important to look at your emotion as it exists. It could be anything from infatuation, obsession or love; but denying or trying to repress the emotion will only do more harm than good.
If she reaches out to you; there is nothing wrong in responding to her politely – that way, she’ll be able to understand you better as a human being.
Explore Your Feelings and Emotions
As a counsellor, I would also like you to understand your own feelings and emotions better. A lot of times we are carrying so much shame around the topic of attraction that instead of trying to comprehend it; we try to suppress it.
To be able to be in control of your emotions it is vital that you are aware of them, and own them – instead of running away or avoiding them. So, sit down with an open mind and write down all you feel towards this girl – and try to understand what are the qualities that draw you closer to her. Are those qualities real or fantasized? If they are real – are they adequate for you to want to marry her and spend your life with her?
One very important thing when trying to understand your emotions is; that the more you try to avoid or run away from the feeling; the more forcefully you’ll experience it.
Check out this counseling video:
Work On The Practical Aspects
Once you have explored all your authentic feelings and emotions, it is important that instead of fantasizing about a future – you adequately plan and make goals for yourself and the future life that you want to create.
Set small daily or weekly goals for yourself that help you to reach closer to your future plans of marriage, being financially independent, working on your career along with your studies, etc.
Understanding Authentic Communication In Relationships
Coming to your question of whether being rude will affect the relationship later on – it actually makes me question what is the relationship now, and how do you even see a relationship forming with the girl in case you are rude and dismissive to her?
If she reaches out to you to communicate, or you reach out to her and have a chat once in a while; just to know each other better and to get acquainted with each other’s habits, before you enter the contract of marriage; there is no harm.
The Fate Is Unknown
Yet again, coming to the other angle of your question – brother, the fate is only in Allah SWT’s hands. This marriage and relationship that you want so much is only going to happen if Allah Subhanahu Ta’ala wills it. Allah has plans for each and everyone of us, and indeed He is the Best of Planners.
I feel while it’s absolutely okay to want something and long for it – it’s sometimes futile to take everything in our control. Sometimes, you can do all the right things, and still if Allah does not permit, then even no matter how hard you try; things might not work out.
Ask Allah SWT For Help And Guidance
Brother, Allah SWT is closer to us than we think. In the Quran, He says,
“Allah is closer to you than your jugular vein.” [50:16]
He is the one who sees everything that is in our hearts and He is the one who fulfills all our desires. Pray and supplicate to Him about all that you desire, and He will make the path easy for you and chose for you whatever is beneficial for you in this world and the Hereafter. May Allah be with you.
Salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.