Answer
Answer:
As-Salaamu ‘Alaikum,
I am sorry that you are in so much pain! However, I am confused. What is the “haram” which you refer to? Is there anything haram in you proposing to her? Is there anything haram in her being in the medical field and you not? If you are not handsome (and who says so anyway), is there anything haram in you asking her to marry you? Do you think it is haram to be in love? No, it is not. Do you think it is haram to be obsessed with the one you love? No, that is normal, too. That is what love feels like.
If your obsession makes you fall apart, that may be too much of a good thing, but that is not “haram” either. With the help of Allah (swt) – and doing some work on yourself to grow by exploring the new experience in life called love -, you can learn to manage your feelings, even those which overwhelm you. You can also learn what courage is – facing the unknown and the potential rejection, the “failure” which often accompanies us to become familiar with something new.
See, I don’t think you need to forget her at all, yet. You don’t need to forget her until she tells you that she is not interested in you, and that has not happened yet. That may or may not happen. So, to find out what she would say, you need to approach her and ask. For that, you need courage. Remember, all of us have the same problem when we face something new/unfamiliar to us. That is why Allah (swt) tells us that “there is no power or strength except in Allah”.
So, to me, your fear of approaching seems to be the problem, not anything haram, and not forgetting her (yet). But remember, when someone is attracted to someone else, one of them has to “break the ice”, so to speak, and have the courage to ask.
In fact, courage is one of the most important characteristics of a man. Allah (swt) defines a man in the Qur’an as someone who maintains and protects women (and children) (4:34). To protect someone, sometimes you have to go forward into the unknown, which means you have to be able to deal with failure because the unknown is unfamiliar. Until you learn its ins and outs, you are going to make mistakes.
So, don’t blame yourself for not knowing how to deal with this situation, yet; it is still unfamiliar territory for you. In this context, failure is not actually failure; it is the learning process. We all spill milk as children – that is how we learn how not to spill milk. Abraham Lincoln lost election after election before he became the president of the USA, but he must have really learned a lot from his failures to became one of the most successful presidents America has ever known.
All people have to learn courage even though it is considered a defining characteristic of masculinity. However, that does not mean that all men have the same amount. Everyone knows that Omar Ibn Khattab (RA) had more than most other men ever. So, find your true place on that spectrum between the two extreme poles of all and nothing. It is okay not to have a whole lot of courage, but you need to have some – enough to get the job done. Do you drive? That took courage to learn. So, be true to whom you are, and don’t allow Satan to defeat you in your own true nature, i.e., a man who loves. Love is natural, therefore, it is your responsibility to learn how to field it enough so that you can realize it in your life, in sha’ Allah.
So, where does courage come from? From Allah (swt) as “there is no power or strength except in Allah (swt)”. If you think that courage comes from the person, you are wrong. Real courage is the type of courage that gets rewarded with Jennah. Since, a man can go to jihad and even die in jihad, but not go to Paradise for it because he did not die for Allah (swt), that proves that courage is not pride and is not just different from pride; it is the opposite. Pride is arrogance; the belief that you are powerful. Courage is putting yourself in Allah’s hands because you recognize that you need Him. Ironically, courage is admitting that we are weak and in need of Allah (swt). Then, acceptance of that reality makes us ask of Him for His strength. Then, the last step is to trust Him that He (swt) hears His suppliant and answers him/her. That is courage!
So, the next question is: what blocks you from having courage? Are you afraid of something? Were you repeatedly insulted by someone when you were a child by a parent or parents, or an older sibling? Were you a step-child who was treated unfairly? Were you a foster child who never had security? Did anyone in your childhood make you feel inadequate, unworthy to be human? Was your ego broken previously by someone such that you now do not trust yourself to be equal to the challenges of life? Did someone emotionally close to you “reject” you so much so that you are now scared of reliving that pain? Are you easily injured because you already have an open wound or a scar that is easily reopened?
I suggest that you pursue this line of self-questioning with yourself – with or without your psychiatrist – to see if you can find where your trepidation is coming from. Then, defeat the devil’s whisper. Satan’s arguments fall apart when they are unveiled as they’re lies.
Find yourself through self-examination, self-respect, and self-love. Here are two ideas of what to respect and love in yourself: 1) you are a believer in Allah (swt); that is the most respectable and loveable thing in the whole wide world. 2) We love that which we are, so, if you love her, you must have something in you of the same loveable stuff, otherwise you would not see it in her and be attracted to it in her.
Lastly, you seem anxious. Anxiety is normal, unless it gets out of control. That happens for two reasons: a chemical imbalance in your brain or the lack of understanding that our feelings are natural. I think your anxiety is not a chemical imbalance in your brain because you were not like this before you fell in love (your parents said you had changed). So, since feelings are natural and healthy, I am going to assume that you just don’t know how to deal with yours, yet. More importantly, you don’t know how to deal with Satan messing with your feelings. None of us do until we learn how Satan works. He whispers to corrupt our feelings. We have feelings which are natural and good because they come from our ruh (soul. Then, Satan takes that truth and suggests that we go wrong places with it and do wrong things in order to realize it. For example, if we feel pain because an injustice has been done, that is “right”.
Internal pain is the way with which Allah (swt) makes us feel what is right and wrong. Our desire to resolve pain is the system Allah (swt) has created which motivates us to correct injustices. However, how we act in response to that pain is a whole other matter. Even getting angry can lead to a whole bunch of problems, especially if you do crazy things when you are angry like hit people. If we can’t sort out what feeling is and what our response to our feelings is, we get confused, and that is where Satan can get in.
So, remember, Satan whispers into our feelings. He suggests that we respond to our feelings in ways that are wrong and go places with them where we are not supposed to go. However, in your case, he is suggesting that you don’t go where you need to go with your feelings: he tries to keep you away from asking her! Satan has arrested your natural inclinations, not the other way around. Ignore him and ask her. To get the strength to do this, ask Allah (swt) to help you.
Therefore, ask Allah (swt) and then go for it. If she rejects you, know that you are still the person you were before she failed to see in you the good that is in you.
May Allah (swt)make it easy for you, and may Satan’s whispers wither in your ears! If your love does not get fulfilled with her, be content because you are only entry level in relationship to this thing called love.
You did the right thing; you tried to pass the test and that is all Allah (swt) asks of us! Furthermore, you tried to disconnect from Satan who has been defeating you in your own true self. God (swt) bless you, and may you come to know peace and leave crippling anxiety behind by embracing healthy anxiety and doing what it requires of you, In sha’ Allah.
Salam,
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