I Don’t Feel Any Vibes Towards Her: I Can’t Marry Her

26 August, 2020
Q Assalamu alaikum,

My question is I had a relationship with one Girl from my home country. Things were going well in the beginning. But for the past 3 years she has been forcing me to marry her.

She is abusing me and my relationship with her. I don't even feel any vibes to marry her though she has many negative thoughts about life and love.

Please help me out. I am depressed about this and wanting to end my life.

Answer


Brother, if you feel that this relationship is so toxic for you, and that you are being abused in any way – it is important that you end the relationship with this girl and move on.

Try to explore and understand the reason you stayed in this relationship. Was it because you were afraid to be alone, and by yourself? Was it that you needed a friend who understands you?

If you were not getting the understanding and a company which you liked, why did you prolong the relationship so long? 

Ending your life is not a solution to a bad relationship.

Please! Reach out to suicide helplines if you have any thoughts about ending your life.

Seek professional counseling and therapy.

Focus on what you want in life.

Ask Allah SWT for help and guidance for all your problems. 


Assalamu Alaikum 

Thank you for reaching out to us. Brother, you have mentioned that you are depressed and want to end your life. The reason you feel depressed is because the girl you have been in relationship with, for several years – is pressurizing you to marry her.

You have also mentioned that you feel abused by the girl and do not have any intention of marrying her. 

Brother, if you feel that this relationship is so toxic for you, and that you are being abused in any way – it is important that you end the relationship with this girl and move on. I understand that it may not be easy for you to break the relationship you have been in for so long.

Perhaps you do not want to hurt the girl’s feelings, or maybe you have grown overly dependent on this relationship. However, it is important to break up and start a new life if the relationship feels so abusive to you. 

Seek Professional Counseling and Therapy 

Brother, your life and safety is of utmost importance. If you are having suicidal ideations or thoughts about ending your life, it means that you are in a severely abusive relationship, and you are stuck in a place where you feel that you cannot get out of.

I believe it is very important for you to seek help and professional therapy to help you come out of this situation. 

Seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but it is a step of courage and strength. I know that it is easier said than done, but try to make your life a priority and begin to think of a life which you would like to have – rather than one which you would like to end.  

Please! Reach out to suicide helplines if you have any thoughts about ending your life.

I Don't Feel Any Vibes Towards Her: I Can't Marry Her - About Islam

Ending your life is not a solution to a bad relationship

Brother, it is important to understand that ending one’s life, is not a solution to any of the hardships life presents to us.  If you are not happy or satisfied in a relationship – you have every right to get out of it.

In Islam, Allah SWT has given rights to men and women both to end the marriage if either of them feels that their rights are being usurped, or if they feel unhappy. If the thought of marriage to this girl, or staying in the relationship is bringing so much pain – it is best to end the relationship as quickly as possible. 

What has made you stay in the relationship for so long?

It’s important to acknowledge that you have been in this relationship for over 3 years. You say that you had never wanted to marry the girl; so what made you start and then stay in the relationship for this long? It is important that you understand this, because it will help you make more meaningful relationships in the future.

Try to explore and understand the reason you stayed in this relationship. Was it because you were afraid to be alone, and by yourself? Was it that you needed a friend who understood you? If you were not getting the understanding of you and a company which you liked, why did you prolong the relationship so long? 


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Marriage In Islam 

Brother, the only lawful relationship between a man and a woman in Islam is that of a husband and wife. Allah SWT has set some parameters for the believers and it is important that we follow them to be successful in this life and in the Hereafter. 

Allah SWT has given both the man and woman the freedom to select a spouse with whom they feel they can spend their life; and He has also given them the permission to opt out of the marriage, if it does not work out for either of them. 

In the Quran, Allah SWT says, 

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect.” [30:21]

It is important that you understand what are the things you want and would value in your future spouse, and then find a woman who would make you happy instead of depressed. Marriage is an important part of Deen.

However, before entering into the sacred union of marriage, it is also important to understand that Allah SWT has made man the protector and provider for the family. 

Focus on What You Want In Life

Brother, it is important to be clear about what you want in life, only then you can seek it. If your current relationship is unacceptable to you – you have two options, either to move on or to try and amend the current one (if you feel that is possible). If not, it is best that you end the relationship, however difficult it may be for you. 

You need to prioritize what you want in life – is it marriage, is it a career, or is it something else. Once you have prioritized what you want – it will be easier for you to make goals and lead your life accordingly. 

Sometimes, the only reason why many people in youth get into relationships is due to peer pressure. You need to be aware of these things. You need to evaluate what you want in life for yourself, rather than something or someone to show to the society or the world. 

Ask Allah for Help and Guidance 

Many times Allah SWT tests us so that we can turn to Him and grow closer to Him. Ask Allah SWT for help and guidance for all your problems.

He is the One who gives us problems in this life to test us. And with Him lie all the solutions to our problems. Whenever you feel you are stuck in a difficult place, turn to Him and pray. He will help you find the right path for you.

Salam,

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees are liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Zainab Farrukh
Zainab Farrukh is a Counseling Psychologist. She is deeply inspired to bring about change at the individual, interpersonal and global levels.  She can be reached on her Facebook page – Thrive Now