When he broke up with me these days, I got disturbed. In severe disturbance and isolation, I contacted my cousin with whom I have spent my childhood.
He graduated from engineering. But the problem is that I don't want to indulge myself again in hopes and fantasies. I want to heal myself, but I want to fully focus on my studies. I have already wasted my time over a guy, and now I want to focus over my career.
When I started talking with my cousin, he got really happy. According to him, that was always his wish to be my future husband and to contact me, but he feared. I still love my ex dearly, and I feel as if I can never forget him.
My cousin treats me like his girl; he is fully committed. Inside I feel that I should stop it; I should leave him without saying anything because he is an emotional guy. Why I fear from my cousin is because I have always hated my relatives as they are so much diplomatic.
Secondly, girls are considered to be at a very low status which makes me feel that if I got married to him, in the future I will suffer. I won't find peace, not because of him but because of my other relatives whose jealousy has brought many problems into my present life.
I can't mention this to my cousin that I had no intention to marry him when I contacted him because I fear he would publicly insult me in the family.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• Focus on the right things. Educate yourself and seek Islamic knowledge; it will make you a stronger woman.
• Don’t give him false hopes as it will only hurt his feelings. If you don’t have intentions to marry him, tell him that.
• Tips to move on after a breakup: cry; talk to someone you trust; get the help you need; do things you enjoy; strengthen your relationship with Allah.
As Salaam ‘Aleikum sister,
First of all, I would like to thank you for asking us for guidance. The fact that you have written to us is the first step in the right direction.
A friendship with the opposite sex is not allowed in Islam, as you might know. Howsoever pure your intentions may be, the danger is that it will lead you to sin.
In the Qur’an, Allah (swt) mentioned that good men and women are those who marry, do not have fornicating relationships, and do not have ”paramours” or akhdan. ( 4:25, 5:5). Akhdan are ”sweethearts”, a ”mistress” for a man and a ”lover” for a woman.
The Prophet (saw) is reported to have stated that:
“A man is not alone with a woman but the third of them is Ash-Shaitan.” (At-Tirmidhi)
This man you had a close relationship with for four years was haram, and you are not supposed to be so close the opposite gender.
Now that he broke up with you, you have a chance to actually reflect on what wrong you did by having this haram relationship with him and repent to Allah (swt).
You surely wasted your time and energy on a wrong person, and in the end, he left you; it was not worth it.
Time heals all wounds. You may feel hurt and down now, and it is normal. But it is not your obligation to suffer.
You are, ma sha’ Allah, still very young and have a bright future ahead of you. Focus on the right things. Educate yourself and seek Islamic knowledge; it will make you a stronger woman.
Your ex-boyfriend has apparently moved on with his life, and you should do the same. Forget him and don’t let the past stop you from becoming a better Muslim.
Moving on from the Ex
Moving on from an ex-boyfriend can sometimes be very complex. Every situation is unique and will require different actions. Here are a few tips to get over him:
Cry. It is ok to cry if you want as it feels better when you let all the emotions out instead of keeping them bottled up inside you forever.
Talk to someone you trust
Sometimes you just need someone to listen rather than offer advice. Even you cannot understand why it happened, talking about it can help you accept that the relationship is over.
Get the help you need
A breakup can have serious negative effects on your mental and physical well-being, especially if you find that you are still dwelling on it months later. Breakups have been associated with weakened immune systems and an increased risk of illness.
People who have not gotten over a breakup within 16 weeks can even experience physical changes in their brains that reduce their motivation, concentration, and emotions.
A therapist can help by listening to you, encouraging you to confront your feelings, and teaching you new ways to do with your pain.
Remind yourself to let go
There are a variety of behavioral techniques you can try to stop thinking about your ex. All of these techniques rely on your ability to recognize when a thought about your ex-enters your mind and to take a specific action to stop that thought from coming back.
Remember that these techniques are to be used for obsessive thoughts only! If you have not yet dealt with your feelings and taken the time to grieve, you should not try to suppress your thoughts.
You can try wearing a rubber band around your wrist and snapping it each time you think about your ex.
Write down the thoughts you are having about your ex on a piece of paper and then throw it away.
Try a visualization exercise, which requires you to visualize a specific scene whenever a thought of your ex-occurs to you.
For example, you could think of a stop sign in order to remind yourself that you need to stop what you are doing. If you do this consistently, the association should become automatic.
Check out this counseling video:
Take Care of Yourself & Your Relationship with Allah
Focus on taking care of yourself
In order to boost your mood, it’s important to practice healthy habits. Make sure you exercise regularly and get plenty of sleep.
Committing yourself to a healthy lifestyle will not only make you feel good, but it may just offer you the escape you need from thoughts about your ex.
Start praying five times
It will help you to regain your positivity and let go of the stress associated with your breakup.
Remember, you are strong and can get over him if you really want to.
However, your cousin is not your mahram either and talking to him and having a friendship with him is not allowed in Islam.
He sounds like a decent guy, but if he likes you and wants to marry you, then you should either tell him to take his parents to your house to ask for your hand, or you should stop having contact with him at all.
Don’t give him false hopes as it will only hurt his feelings
If you don’t have intentions to marry him, tell him that. Do it in a way that doesn’t make him feel hurt or betrayed.
For example, you can tell him that you want to concentrate on your studies and for that reason is not able to stay in touch with him so much.
When you spend less time talking to him, he will understand that you are not interested. Do not make any other male friends as it is not allowed in Islam and displeasing to Allah (swt).
You will go through periods of sadness, anger, and denial, and these emotions will make you act out of character. But if you are aware of your emotions and understand them, it is easier to control them and prevent them from making you do things you will regret later.
Islam commands the Muslims to be honest to themselves and to others, and Muslims are ordered by Allah (swt) to be truthful in their words and deeds.
”And do not mix the truth with falsehood or conceal the truth while you know.” (Qur’an 2: 42)
Being truthful is important and very much liked by Allah (swt). Make sure you don’t give your cousin any wrong signals or false hopes and take distance from him as soon as possible.
May Allah (swt) ease your tension and forgive your sins, In sha’ Allah.
Salam,
***
Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.