Answer
In this counseling answer:
“If you really feel that you are not ready to enter into a new relationship, perhaps then it is best to wait while asking Allah to facilitate what is best for you.”
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum dear sister,
Thank you for your question. I believe there are two main points to address here which are how to overcome a painful past in order to live a better future, and how to go about selecting a husband, in sha’ Allah.
For the first point, you mentioned that you had a hurtful experience in the past which has been still affecting you.
Therefore, perhaps it may help to see a professional counselor even for a short while to help you overcome those barriers that are standing in the way of you moving forward.
In general, remember, that Allah is, indeed, The Most Just, The Most Loving, The All-Compassionate, and The All-Merciful, and will never place on us a burden more than we can handle.
He tests us to purify us, to heal us, to teach us lessons we would otherwise never learn, to elevate us, and to inspire us.
So, start with trying to change your perspective on the negative experiences you had and think of them as a tool for transformation in sha’ Allah.
And, of course, continue asking Allah to heal that which is hurt, mend what is broken and cast serenity into your heart.
As for the second point regarding choosing a husband, it sounds like the brother has some good characteristics.
However, two issues remain which are his financial ability to get married and support a family, and the likeability factor which is also important.
Having said that, the Prophet says about marriage in general: “
If one whose character and religion please you comes to you (with a proposal), you should marry him (to your single women). If you do not do so, there will be tribulations in the land and great corruption.” (Tirmidhi)
Therefore, first of all, there is great emphasis on the religion and character of the potential husband. When it comes to finances, Allah says in the Quran:
“Marry those among you who are single, or the virtuous ones among yourselves, male or female: if they are in poverty, Allah will give them means out of His grace: for Allah encompasses all, and he knows all things.” (24:32)
In this verse, Allah promises that He will provide financially for those who seek marriage.
Also, it is important to remember the Prophet’s hadith:
“All of you are custodians and will be asked about your charges. The Imam is a custodian and will be asked about his charges. The man is a custodian of his family, and he will be asked about his charges. The woman is a custodian of her husband’s house, and she will be asked about her charges…” (Bukhari)
Therefore, the potential husband needs to do his part in securing himself financially in order to provide a good life for his wife and future children in sha’ Allah, if Allah chooses to grant them children.
Remember, if you really feel that you are not ready to enter into a new relationship, perhaps then it is best to wait while asking Allah to facilitate what is best for you.
If there are really no emotions whatsoever or any kind of acceptance, then maybe it’s better to continue speaking to each other for some months, but certainly not for a year as the brother has requested.
If you deem you are not ready, you could simply tell the brother that Islamically speaking, you think that you should hold off on communicating with each other and wait until he is financially stable.
If you are meant for each other, then it will happen, and if not, then this is the will of Allah. Again, this is your decision and you are the best judge of your emotions.
You may wish to be very honest with him and just say that you need more time to think about how you would like to proceed.
Then, at the end of the time you have given yourself, which really should not exceed more than perhaps one or two weeks, you inform him of your decision.
Generally, here are four steps you can follow when considering marriage.
Educate Yourself
- Learn about the etiquette of seeking a spouse, what is permissible to do and what is impermissible.
- Research what type of meaningful questions to ask.
- Learn about your responsibilities and rights over each other (as husband/wife).
- Find out the Sunnah acts of marriage and romance (there are beautiful examples from the )
- Pay the Islamic bookshop a visit for reading material on this chapter in life.
Decide On Desired Characteristics
- Make a list of characteristics you want your spouse to have; keep in mind that you are not perfect and cannot expect your spouse to be. For men, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said that his character and religion are most important.
- Recognize traits or values that he/she must have and also areas that you are willing to compromise; no one is perfect!
- Review this list and make sure it is realistic and reflect on your own self; what qualities do you have to offer?
Consider a Potential Spouse
- Consult trusted friends, family, or the local mosque for help.
- Hold meetings in the presence of a wali(guardian).
- Ensure that you or your family speaks to this prospective partner’s close friends and family to gain a complete and truthful insight into the person.
- Reflect on his/her character traits, values, expectations, goals/dreams, and your compatibility in this respect.
Pray Istikharah (The Guidance Prayer)
- Pray Istikharahfor counsel and guidance, and make du’aa’.
- Consult family and friends, and take good advice.
- Seek your parents’ approval and blessing; a really important factor to ensure they agree with your decision.
Finally, having come this long way, place your trust in Allah when you have made your decision and in sha’ Allah, it will be a fruitful decision.
Remember, if Allah does not will it for you, in sha’ Allah, He will have something better as we are told in the Quran:
“Whoever fears Allah, Allah will find a way out for him (from every difficulty) and He will provide for him from sources that he could never have imagined.” (Quran 65:2-3)
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
