She Loves Me, but Doesn’t Want to Leave Her Country

11 June, 2018
Q As-Salamu Alaikum. I got engaged at the age of 27 with a 19-years-old French Muslimah. But unfortunately our engagement was broken because, even though I tried, I couldn’t go to her country. Now, after many years, that girl still wants to marry me. However, she cannot come to India because of her family. I came to South Africa to find another partner, but so far I haven’t found anyone. I am going back to India now. What shall I do with this girl? I can’t go there and she can’t come to India.


In this counseling answer:

• Communication is the key to everything. So, start an honest conversation with her about this issue.

• Try your best to make her feel comfortable.

• You might want to opt for a third place to live together.

Dear brother,

All relationships survive with the blessings of Allah (swt), so place your trust in Him (swt) as He (swt) knows the best.

Marriages usually demand some sort of sacrifices and compromises, and one needs to do these willingly. Her family might be in France, but if she marries you, she is supposed to leave her home and settle with you. So, make her understand that in order to make things work, she must leave her family and come to you unless you want to and you find another way to go to France.

Make her understand that even if she lives with you in India, she can occasionally go back to her country to meet her family, of course. Communication is the key to everything. So, start an honest conversation with her about this issue.

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It might be difficult for her to live in a new country, so you may want to highlight the positives of India. For instance, make her aware of the career opportunities or educational degrees that she can pursue. Tell her more about the life there. If she loves a typical taste of food, or if she is fond of a type of an activity (e.g. cross-fit gym), guide her to the respective opportunities in India. Show her pictures of your city. Try your best to make her feel comfortable ( or even excited) with the idea of living in India and reassure that she will like living there and everything will be all right.

However, before investing in this, you need to go through a self-check. Are you really into this girl? Going to South Africa and searching for a spouse indicates that you are already over her. Do you consider the girl’s interest in marriage only because you couldn’t find another suitable partner or you really want to marry her? Remember, marriage is a life-long commitment. You should not treat it as an option or opportunity. It is a sacred pact.

In addition, you might want to opt for a third place to live together, maybe South Africa, as you just mentioned. The two of you can live at a new place and settle in. Try discussing this with her, but before making a move, have a clear vision in your mind as to what do you want to do. Explore a new place together and see if it is feasible for a living. You need to align it with your interests and career options. Try your best to reach a point which is good for the both of you.

For the relationship to work and survive, there will be some areas where she will have to compromise and some facets where you will need to. So, talk to her and clarify this.  If she is ready to compromise on leaving her family and settling in a new environment, you can give her an alternative by letting her visit her family twice a year.

First, be clear in what you want and then approach this issue. And never forget to pray to God (swt) and make istikharah. He (swt) will guide you through all the difficult situations in life, if you sincerely turn to Him (swt), in sha’ Allah. 



Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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