Answer
In this counseling answer:
“Feelings between people of the opposite gender automatically generate another feeling – an emotional attachment. That is the way Allah (swt) designed the system between genders (as explained in the ayah). This may be what the brother is trying to avoid, i.e., feelings on his part for you which he may not be able to manage.”
Wa ’Alaikum Salaam my dear sister in Islam,
Allah says in the Quran:
“And among His wonders is this: He creates for you mates out of your own kind so that you might incline towards them, and He engenders love and mercy between you: in this, behold, there are messages indeed for people who think!” (Surat ar-Ruum: 21)
Maybe, the reason this brother does not want you to get to know him better before marriage is because if you do and you like him, that reaction couples with an emotional attachment when the two people in a relationship are of opposite genders. When it comes to men and women, their feelings for each other do not exist in a vacuum; feelings make us want to get together. Feelings between people of the opposite gender automatically generate another feeling – an emotional attachment. That is the way Allah (swt) designed the system between genders (as explained in the ayah). This may be what the brother is trying to avoid, i.e., feelings on his part for you which he may not be able to manage.
Allah (swt) created us to test us. So, the temptation is a given and unavoidable. It is our fitrah. The issue decides how to act in response to temptation, and attachment before marriage is definitely haram. To make myself clear: it is not haram to feel good feelings before marriage. Nor is it haram to feel the desire to attach before marriage, but that feeling accompanies good feelings in interactions between men and women. What is haram is doing something physical about those feelings.
Expressing your desire to attach physically (to get married) is not haram. However, because talking is a physical action, all of a sudden people may get all confused and fear that they just entered a dangerous realm in terms of their relationship with Allah (swt). They then deduce that it is haram to talk about wanting to attach before marriage. So, the question becomes, is it haram to express your desire to attach before marriage—or to do any of the actions (talking) requisite before marriage to figure out if you feel the desire to attach (marry) that person?
I believe it is unavoidable to feel things (good or bad, or good and bad) for people when we interact. I think it is unavoidable to feel an emotional attachment to a person when that person is of the opposite gender. I think that when you feel good feelings for a person of the opposite gender, and you feel the feeling of attachment which automatically accompanies them, it is requisite that you tell that person because otherwise, how will s/he know that you want to marry him/her? So, I see it as not only halal (permissible), but as necessary. How else are you going to facilitate being able to eventually physically realize your attachment and get married?
Men often come up with a shortsighted understanding of this necessity because men are afraid of their feelings. They tend to think of their feelings as their enemy because their feelings are something they have to control to be able to do their jobs (protect and provide). To be able to do those jobs, you can’t let your feelings rule you. You have to be able to control them instead. So feelings tend to threaten men because they challenge them.
As a quick fix, some men squash their feelings instead of figuring out how to cope with them and instead of figuring out that there is a time for them and that squashing them is very unhealthy. They then take it even a step further and decide for women that they too should squash their feelings as they do.
All that to say, your suitor has a very shortsighted understanding of the mechanics of courtship. To attempt to solve that problem, all you can do is try to educate him (with the ayah). If you find him open to a discussion of the matter, that will tell you what his (good) character is. It will be a sign about how he will behave in marriage when you have issues between yourselves which you have to resolve.
If he refuses your input, this will tell you that he is the kind of man who thinks that marriage is only for men, i.e., for them to have their way with the woman, uninterrupted and unfettered with any opinions of the woman’s own. This is unless my opinion about what the ayah means is wrong, in which case, you need to speak with a scholar and get the correct tafseer on it.
Please also see the additional links for further guidance on the Islamic interaction between men and women before marriage.
May Allah (swt) make it easy for you!
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.
