Answer
In this counseling answer:
- For us, Muslims, what matters is whether you act on your feelings in a context that is halal or sinful.
- These feelings fluctuate and can be more intense or less intense depending on whether you cultivate them or not. If yes, it can gradually lead to the point where you can’t control your feelings and desires and end up committing a sin.
- Think about the final goal of this relationship and see whether you can manage it in a halal way. If not, it might be time to start distancing yourself.
Salam alaikom brother,
Thank you for writing to us. You are asking about a girl who is your best friend. And according to your letter, you start developing feelings for her, and you want to know whether it is love or not.
Brother, I think the concepts of love, affection, attraction, and friendly feelings are not strictly separated categories. There is an overlap between them, and they can exist at once. For example, you can feel attraction for a friend, feel affection and attraction for someone, or the one you love can be your best friend at the same time.
What Matters Is the Context
For us, Muslims, what matters is the setting in which you live and express these feelings. With other words: whether you act on them in a context that is halal or sinful.
In and of itself, feeling attracted to a girl, feeling a sense of affection, “possessiveness,” as you put it, and caring for her is very natural.
Allah placed in humans the capability to develop these feelings for each other in order to create bonds, find comfort, and find companionship:
“And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect.” (Quran 30:21)
So, when you start noticing these feelings in you for someone, know that they are very normal and that there is nothing wrong with them.
However, as a Muslim, it is your wife for whom you will be “expected” to feel love, affection, attraction, etc.
And if you can be best friends (i.e., have good and open communication and feel understood by each other), that is a “bonus” and will help you overcome many obstacles in your marriage, in sha Allah.
How to Keep Your Feelings Halal
So, with this being said, dear brother, yes, you may feel some kind of love for your friend. But there is something more important: you need to decide what you want to do with these feelings in order to keep them in a halal way.
You may have noticed that these feelings fluctuate and can be more intense or less intense depending on whether you cultivate them or not.
If you spend more and more time with your friend and think more and more of her, it is normal that your feelings will be stronger. Why could this be a problem?
Because it can gradually lead to the point where you can’t control your feelings and desires and end up committing a sin.
And the key is graduality, because if one were invited to commit zina, he or she would most likely say no right away; may Allah forgive and protect us.
But if your relationship increases gradually, first by, for example, only saying salam, then a few words, then texting, then having a coffee after school and talking on the way, etc., you might not stop until it is too late.
That is why Islam does not support opposite-sex friendships. It is difficult to separate overlapping feelings from each other and make sure that a simple, friendly attitude does not turn into love and attraction with time.
Any Chance for Marriage?
I know that you are still young. But you need to think about whether you would be able to marry her soon or not. Can you imagine your life with her?
If yes, then you may take steps towards it. And if yes, but a bit later in life, know that if you are meant to be husband and wife, it will happen by the will of Allah. So, you can step back now and wait for the right moment.
And if not, I think it is best to set up some boundaries, even if they hurt in the beginning. It might hurt, but surely it will hurt much less if you involve yourself in something that cannot happen in a halal way.
I am not sure whether she is a Muslim or not. If yes, it would be easier to understand that it is the right thing to do and you will be rewarded for it.
I kindly advise you to:
- Think about the final goal of this relationship and see whether you can manage it in a halal way. If not, it might be time to start distancing yourself.
- I know that it feels good to have a friend who understands you. But with the opposite sex, it is risky, which is why it is discouraged in the religion. Be grateful to Allah for this experience, but be mindful of Him and know that His command is for your own good and protection.
- When you interact with her and with others, be mindful of Allah (have taqwa) and have pure intentions. Insha Allah, this will protect you and maintain your chastity.
- Talk about Islam with her and explain how we, Muslims, deal with each other, what our values are, and why. You will increase your knowledge and, therefore, your imaan this way. If she is your friend, she will understand why you need to distance yourself.
- If there is any chance for a future marriage, you can start learning about Islamic marriage and help her increase her knowledge as well. On our site, for example, there are many good articles on marriage preparation. Check out these, for example: this, this, and thisWe also hold a webinar regularly. Show them to her and encourage her to learn more about Islam.
- Continue making dua for her and for yourself. Ask Allah to help you find the right one for you. And ask Him to guide her towards Islam.
I hope it helped you clarify it, may Allah bless and protect you!
More from Orsolya Ilham O.:
- Signs of Meeting My Soulmate & Future Husband
- Feeling Not Good Enough for the Love of Allah; Please Help!
- My Future Wife Befriends Male Coworkers!
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