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I’m in Love with My School Therapist!

18 April, 2018
Q As-Salamu ‘Alaykum.

I am a teenager who has faced a lot of hardships in life but Alhamdulillah Allah has always granted me strength. I take counseling sessions in my school with my counselor who is a married female Muslim woman. She knows everything about me and I am vulnerable to her.

The problem is that I have started to have affection for her which I consider inappropriate. Yet, I have strong feelings and I don’t want to lose her. I don’t know what to do.

I am usually not even interested in talking to non-mahram women as it is haram, but I cannot help not talking to her.

The reason behind my affection is that she is the only person who listens to me attentively and she has helped a lot to overcome my problems, but she has become a sort of addiction which might cause further harm. But I am just madly in love with her! Please help!

Answer


In this counseling answer:

  • You seem to have an emotional attachment.
  • Be aware of the difference between who the counselor is as a person and what images, desires or fantasies you are projecting onto them.
  • You may consider finding another (possibly male) therapist.

As-Salamu ’Alaykum brother,

Firstly, I am glad to hear that you have consistent support and care from your school counselor. I am also impressed that you realize you go through transference with your counselor.

As you said, when we feel helped, cared for and we can always count on someone, we start to get close. Closeness leads to bonding and perhaps love.

Not all love is romantic by the way.  Parents also love their children; people love their friends or someone for the sake of Allah.

Perhaps, you should consider that there are healthy forms of love. Some of them are not about romantic or sexual intrigue.

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You seem to have an emotional attachment. This is human nature to have emotions and to be attached.

Transference is when we redirect our feelings for past relationships unto the therapist. This is actually quite common and the need to be validated, acknowledged and valued.

When a therapist provides these experiences when we feel like we matter, or they remind us of someone significant in our lives, the energy can easily be misconstrued as something other than a professional helping relationship.

I hope the below points can guide your understanding and action in your situation, Amin.

What to do with the transference:

Talk about with your counselor:

Would it be too difficult for you to bring up your concerns directly? Say something like “I have been feeling uncomfortable lately and a little too attached to our meetings”. Or “I appreciate all the help you have given me. I am worried about being too attached to you for my emotional fulfillment”.

Learn from it:

The experience of transference could shed light on your own consciousness and how to better heal from childhood experiences or family relations. Transference often points to unresolved business in the unconscious.

As a professional counselor, she could address the issue with little awkwardness.

Instead of ending your helping relationship, use it to remedy this very issue you face. That way, you can continue to get the help you need without putting yourself in an uncomfortable or inappropriate situation.

The feelings you have are obviously important to you. Your counselor should help you develop a healthy attachment to your parents and family.

Recognize the transference is not the therapist:

Be aware of the difference between who the counselor is as a person and what images, desires or fantasies you are projecting onto them. Differentiate between the images of what they represent to you and who they really are.

If needed, find another counselor:

If your transference continues after your discussion, you need to consider finding another counselor to support you. In your case, you can try a male.

At the end of the day, you need support. You must prioritize your growth. If transference is inhibiting your progress,  you should consider finding another counselor.

Salam,

***

Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

Read more:

Why Do I Dream of My Married Teacher?

A High School Student: I Want to Marry My Teacher

Are Psychology and Islam Compatible?

About Karim Serageldin
Karim Serageldin, founder of Noor, completed his BA in psychology & religion, followed by an MA in east-west psychology with a specialization in spiritual counseling. He is a certified life coach with years of teaching and community outreach experience. His practical work and research includes developing a modern framework of Islamic psychology, relationship, family and youth coaching. He provides seminars and workshops in the United States. You can contact Br. Karim at: http://www.noorhumanconsulting.com or facebook.com/noorhumanconsulting