I’ve had kyphoscoliosis since I was a child. Unfortunately, I live in a society where most people and children abuse me verbally because of my hunchback. Thus, I have severe toxic shame and I’m always self-conscious. I also suffer from depression, anxiety, OCD, and guilt.
I haven't left my house for over 6 years and I’m completely dependent on my parents. I don't know what to do because being constantly self-conscious feels like hell. I’m in love with a girl, but I can’t even tell her because I feel ashamed.
There is no counseling facilitated in my area. I just want to be able to leave my house because I want to meet people, but my severe fear of neglect stops me from being able to. My parents don’t even believe that I have severe PTSD.
What should I do? I want to kill myself. I long for that girl and I really love her, but I am ashamed of everything and I feel so miserable. I can’t look out my door or offer my prayers at the mosque.
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• See your family doctor and discuss your needs and how you feel.
• Begin your journal with the suggested lists (see below) and, in shaa’ Allah, review them daily.
• Create a contract promising not to harm yourself.
• Keep the number to the Suicide Prevention Hotline with you in case you need it.
• Talk to a family member who you are close to, so that you have a safe person to go to.
• The most important factor in any healing is a close relationship with Allah.
• As you build up your confidence, start going to the Masjid for prayer.
• You must take the first step with the belief that Allah will bless you as you journey towards a new life as a healed, young man.
Assalamu alaikum brother,
Thank you for writing to us with your questions and your concerns about your condition.
As I understand from what you’ve written, not only do you have a physical condition called kyphoscoliosis, you also have what you call severe toxic shame, post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety and panic attacks, as well as low self-esteem, feelings of guilt and OCD.
These mental health issues are a result of being mocked and verbally abused by others because of your medical condition.
I can imagine that you have suffered a great deal because of the cruelty of others, brother, and I am so sorry you had to go through this.
Based on your question, it takes great courage and strength to reach out. I admire and honor your determination and courage.
An Often-Cruel Society
As you stated, you live in a society where people and children abuse you verbally because you have a hunchback as a result of your medical condition.
Sadly, people can be so cruel, and if there is no buffer or anyone to assist children and young adults as they are growing to develop a strong sense of self-esteem, many things can go wrong.
Mental Health Concerns
The thing about low self-esteem, anxiety, and trauma is that the more we isolate ourselves, the worse they get.
Isolation feeds into mental health disorders, giving them greater strength and momentum. You stated that you haven’t left your house in 6 years.
I can imagine that this has reinforced in your mind the idea of not being able to be a part of life, social events, and doing the things that you enjoy.
Counseling and Healing
Brother, you stated that there is no therapy available in your area.
However, I kindly encourage you to talk with your family physician and see if there is somewhere you can go for counseling and support. There must be something in your area.
I would also suggest that you check at your masjid to see if there are any counselors there.
Perhaps the imam could counsel you as well. While this does not replace professional counseling, it is better to seek any help or support possible.
Please do see your family doctor and express your concerns, your diagnoses, and how you feel, especially regarding your suicidal thoughts.
Allah Doesn’t Create Mistakes
As you know, Allah created you out of love. Allah does not create mistakes, brother.
You may suffer a medical condition that is visible to people, but it doesn’t mean you’re not a valuable human being who is very much loved.
There are many people who have disfiguring conditions; you are not alone.
A quick search on the internet may bring up a lot of support groups for people with medical and mental conditions.
Your life can be happy and productive if you choose to take the steps to make it so. There are many ways to begin healing.
Making a Decision
The first step to healing, in shaa’ Allah, is deciding that you do want to change your life.
Also, if you remember that Allah loves you, brother and that taking your life is a sin, you may see the value in trying to sort out your issues so that you do not feel so depressed.
Suicidal Ideation: Help
Should you truly feel as though you would want to take your life, please call the suicide hotline: 15 / 115 (Emergency), or the USA International Suicide Prevention Hotline: 702.743.4340.
In shaa’ Allah, try to talk to your mother or somebody that you’re close to in your family about how you feel.
I would like you to engage someone that you feel safe with that you can turn to in times of utter despair.
Promise yourself that you will not harm yourself and that if you ever feel like you might, that you will tell your safe person and call the Suicide Prevention hotline.
Write this out on a piece of paper, as a contract, and sign it.
Difficult Times
Brother, I understand that this is a very difficult time for you.
However, often when we feel we are at our lowest and darkest times is when we are about to emerge into the light.
The fact that you are reaching out for help right now is an indication that you are ready to start your path towards healing.
Check out this counseling video:
I believe that you have great courage to do this successfully, in shaa’ Allah. Therefore, I ask you to take the initiative.
Taking Small Steps
Insha’Allah, please start trying to go outside, even if it’s just for a walk around your house.
Start with a short walk and take in the air and nature around you. If you feel uncomfortable, go back inside.
The next day, go outside and do the same thing, but stay outside longer.
As you are getting used to being outside, I ask that you sit outside for at least 30 minutes and enjoy the beauty of nature that Allah has blessed us with.
In shaa’ Allah, brother, as you get used to being outside, your fears will begin to decrease.
In addition, you must set your resolve to not let anything anyone says bother you.
In shaa’ Allah, you will soon be able to walk around your neighborhood, go to the store, or go to the Masjid.
If people spout negative things, please do realize that they are the ones who are pitiful. They are mocking Allah’s creation.
I encourage you to begin viewing your medical condition and subsequent mental health issues as a challenge that you will overcome, rather than something that will defeat you.
Allah Provides Us with Healing Tools
Allah provides us with the tools we need to overcome test and trials, though some are harder than others.
We have Allah, we have the Quran for guidance, we have Hadiths, and we have books about Islam and the prophet (PHUB).
We have the ability, by Allah’s mercy, to seek healing, guidance, forgiveness, and blessings from Allah.
We have the ability to make dhikr and to offer prayer.
We also have individuals who are professionals and can help guide us through difficult times, whether physical or mental.
Allah in His mercy provides these as tools for our utilization. However, we will not be able to take and utilize these blessings unless we take the first step. I’m asking you, brother, to take a step forward and trust in Allah.
When we trust in Allah, anything that anybody says to us should have no lasting effects. Yes, words can hurt.
Words can scar and cause damages, especially if they’re remnants from childhood.
Mental and emotion harm is a risk, especially if there were/are no positives to outweigh the hurt.
Self-Reflection and Inventory
I kindly urge you to make a list of all of your good qualities, dear brother; I’m sure you have a lot.
It may be the color of your eyes, your smile, your kindness to others, your willingness to help, or any of a number of things. Write them down in a journal and look at them daily.
Also, write a list of the blessings Allah has given you and review them.
In shaa’ Allah, you may see over time that your fine qualities and blessings are very large in comparison to the negativity thrown at you.
Goals
I would also like you to write down a list of goals. You could start with three to five goals.
One may be as simple as going outside for 5 to 10 minutes.
You may also have long-term goals such as securing a job or getting married. These are all within your reach.
Based on what you have written, the only things stopping you are your own fears, mental health issues and the belief that you cannot be happy or succeed.
These thoughts are from the shaitan. You can be happy, and you can overcome your issues.
Charity Work
I would also kindly suggest, dear brother, that you engage in some charity work if possible.
By helping others, you may see that you are not as bad off as you think.
There are many refugees and victims of horrific oppression and acts of violence who need help.
There are homeless people who suffer from conditions that are unimaginable both physically and mentally.
By helping others, you may begin to not only love and trust others around you, but to love yourself as well, in shaa’ Allah.
When Others are Cruel
As you very well know, not everyone in this world is nice, loving, or well-behaving towards others.
Those are the people who are really filled with much deficits and illnesses. Their hearts are cruel and lack consciousness.
Rather than taking to heart what these types of people say to you in passing, perhaps it would do you good to look at them from a different perspective.
Let any negative words or actions that come your way pass-through and do not give it any thought or power.
Stay focused on Allah as He has a wonderful plan for your life, in shaa’ Allah.
Love
Regarding this girl that you love, I kindly suggest that you work on loving yourself first.
If you don’t love yourself brother how can you love her?
Do what needs to be done to get you to a place where you feel healthy, confident, and able, and you will naturally attract those with good hearts and form a connection.
This includes friends, family, coworkers in the future, as well as a wife, in shaa’ Allah.
I would kindly suggest that you begin your healing process first. If you do want to propose to this girl, please do offer her the best of yourself.
You are a wonderful young man, but you are hiding all your greatness behind your fears. Once you emerge healed, you may be pleasantly surprised at how wonderful your life feels.
Reaching Out
Brother, please reach out to your family doctor and discuss how you’re feeling and ask him if there are any counselors in the area.
Inquire at the Masjid about counseling services. If there is absolutely nothing in your area, please do seek out online support groups.
When seeking out support groups, please do ensure that they are legitimate and are run either by a therapist or a a person with integrity.
Support groups can be a great way to gain new coping skills and hear from others who have experienced similar situations to yours and to see how they have successfully overcome it.
In shaa’ Allah, you will find that support groups can be life-changing.
Ideally, counseling on a regular basis to address your various mental health issues is needed.
However, if there is nothing in your area, this may be the next best option.
Conclusion
In addition to seeing your family doctor and discussing your needs and how you feel, please do begin your journal with the suggested lists and, in shaa’ Allah, review them daily. Create a contract promising not to harm yourself.
Keep the number to The Suicide Prevention Hotline with you in case you need it.
Talk to a family member who you are close to, so that you have a safe person to go to.
Your life hasn’t been easy; however, our tests and trials do not have to defeat us. We have Allah.
The most important factor in any healing is a close relationship with Allah. Please try to stay close to Allah.
Read the Quran for inspiration, comfort, and knowledge. Read accounts concerning our beloved prophet Muhammad (PBUH) and his life and trials.
As you build up your confidence, start going to the Masjid for prayer. As you know, there are many blessings in doing so.
My dear brother, you can overcome your trauma and obstacles.
In shaa’ Allah, you can become confident, independent, fulfill your dreams, and one day marry the girl that you hope to.
You must take the first step with the belief that Allah will bless you as you journey towards a new life as a healed, young man.
You are in my prayers; we wish you the best.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.