Answer
In this counseling answer:
“Whilst it is encouraged to marry young, you don’t have to. You should not be forced to either. You should not feel under any pressure to marry anyone against your will. You are 16 and still have many years ahead of you, in sha‘ Allah. Talk to your parents about your feelings.”
Wa ’Alaikum Salaam wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh sister,
It is completely understandable why you feel the way you do towards marriage when it seems your parents have organized an engagement for you without your involvement at all. This takes all power away from you in a matter you don’t even feel concerned yet. There is no wonder why you have little desire to get married when it all seems to be out of your control. Your fear that you will then go on to marry a man who will exert the exact same control over you as your parents do now. Understandably, this completely puts you off the idea of getting married in the first place. Not many people like being forced into something against their will, especially when it is something that does not give you a single element of control.
This is not how marriage should be. Please, don’t be put off by the actions of your parents. Whilst they might feel like they are acting in your best interests, it is not right for them to force you into something that you are not happy or comfortable with. Unfortunately, it seems that they are not aware of how this affects your thoughts about marriage.
Certainly, they are your parents and you should respect them. So even if just to maintain this respect, try to at least place some consideration for marriage by looking at it from the Islamic perspective. Identify the beauty in it. Islamically, it is recommended to marry young. It may be that your parents are simply trying to protect you from the zina that many girls of your age engage in. Marriage is a way to protect from this.
On this point, also remember that it is entirely possible to study whilst married. It is possible that a husband could prevent you from studying, but since you aren’t actually married yet, it is possible to make sure that your potential spouse is aware of your desire to study right from the start. If necessary, you can make this a part of your contract of agreement to marriage. This gives you the control that you feel you might lose by getting married.
It is unfortunate that culture can have an impact on such aspects of a woman’s life, but it doesn’t have to. If these things are made clear from the start, you can feel confident that you will still retain the element of freedom that you desire that is to study and learn.
However, you need to make it very clear that marriage is not on the agenda for you right now. In fact, you feel that you would never like to get married. Sure, whilst it is encouraged to marry young, you don’t have to. You should not be forced to either. You should not feel under any pressure to marry anyone against your will. You are 16 and still have many years ahead of you, in sha’ Allah.
Allah (swt) is the turner of hearts. It may be that in some years you do feel ready to get married. So, try not to close your mind to the prospect of potentially getting married in the future. Instead, focus on what’s happening now. If you don’t feel ready to marry now, then you don’t have to.
Regarding whether it is permissible to live alone at 18, if you are not married and if it’s possible to not marry at all, I would advise you to seek a scholarly opinion on this to get the best and most accurate answer. But, as I said, you are 16 right now and clearly not ready for marriage. So, it is advisable to focus on the present right now rather than worrying about the future. This worry might consume you and distract you from present issues.
Allah (swt) may change your heart in the future, so for now just focus on your feelings right now. This might involve speaking to your parents about the situation. Let them know that perhaps you will consider marriage and their proposal in the future, but right now you do not feel ready. Let them know that you understand why they might be trying to get you married this young and you appreciate their concern for you. This way, you will be respecting them whilst still conveying your message to them.
May Allah (swt) make it easy for you and keep you on the straight path. May He place happiness and contentment between you and your parents.
Amen,
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