Stop Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You

10 September, 2020
Q Assalamu alaikum,

I love a guy too much and it is genuine and pure enough. He was a senior to me. We spent well a time together but now he has no interest in me. He walked away after having sex and said he can't provide anything other than friendship.

He can marry me out of guilt, but he will never love me. I asked him to meet me and spend qualitative time with me so that present scenario may change and hence he might fall in love with me, but he denied the fact and said he wants to stay alone and does not want to talk to me at all.

His behavior of pushing me away has always caused great pain to me, to the point where I even attempted suicide. I had a child in me because of him but I suffered a miscarriage. We were in a haram and unlawful relationship for almost a year, after which he went away saying that he has no feelings nor interest in me.

He says that had God wanted us together he could have put feelings in him, but it is not that way. Hence, it is God's indication that he is assigned for some other woman in life. However, after whatever has happened between us, I can't see him with any other woman. What should I do?

Answer


In this counseling answer:

• I am so sorry about the loss of your child; I can imagine it hurt you deeply

• Strengthening your relationship with Allah will help you overcome your feelings for this guy.

Go to Allah and repent. Allah is The Most Merciful.

• This is not the right man for you. He has no feelings, no remorse, no guilt, nor any sense of responsibility for his actions towards you.

• Move on with your life. I am sure that you would like someone who is loving, kind, responsible and will lead you on the path of Islam not lead you on the path to hell.

• Be patient; Allah will bring you that man who will be the best for you, inshallah.


As salamu alaykum,

Thank you for writing to us, sister. It seems that you are in a difficult emotional situation.

As I understand, you were in a relationship with a man for about a year. As you had sex, you became pregnant but lost the child.

I am so sorry about the loss of your child; I can imagine it hurt you deeply. At this point, the man wants nothing to do with you.

Believe what is said

Sister, this man states that he does not love you and cannot provide anything other than friendship.

Sister, I would have to agree with this man. He obviously has no feelings, no remorse, no guilt, nor any sense of responsibility for his actions towards you.

He seems very cold and not in touch with his human side concerning compassion, and certainly not his Islamic side.

Please do believe him when he says he doesn’t have feelings for you and given his character-be thankful.

Repentance

Sister, I am not sure if you have repented to Allah for your behavior concerning zina (adultery), which you know is, of course, a sin.

Stop Loving Someone Who Doesn’t Love You - About Islam

If you have not done so, please go to Allah and repent. Allah is most merciful and setting your relationship straight with Allah will help you in your quest to overcome your feelings for this guy.

Hurt and Longing

Sister, I understand how to hurt you must feel. However, as you know, this is why these types of relationships are sinful and haram.

They often end up in a very hurtful and messy situation such as this. This man probably had no intentions of marrying you, to begin with.

He had no business engaging in sex with you and leading you astray, being that he is a lot older than you. You, on the other hand, are still accountable for your actions. However, as this man is an elder it seems he has taken advantage of you.

The hurt and longing you feel will go away as you begin to see him as he is truly deceptive and sinful.

Moving on

Sister, I strongly encourage you, in addition to repenting, to move on with your life. I am sure you do not want somebody like him as a husband, or even a friend. He sounds like a very horrible and cold person.


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I am sure that you want more in a husband than that. I am sure that you would like someone who is loving, kind, responsible and will lead you on the path of Islam not lead you on the path to hell.

Hell in this Life and Hereafter

Sister, given what you experienced with this man, life with him would be hell this life and may lead you to hell in the hereafter. It sounds like if you were to marry him, he would be a most horrible husband and make your life miserable.

Please look at the situation from the outside. If you had a younger sister that came to you asking you this question what would you advise her?

Would you look at his character and say, “oh yes he sounds like a wonderful man what a great loss”, or would you see that this man is not a good person?

Conclusion

Sister, oftentimes our emotions can cloud our judgment and our ability to analyze a situation. If you step back from your emotions, which is understandably hard to do at the moment, you would see clearly that Allah does not wish for you to be with this man.

It may not because he is such a wonderful man, but because he is such a horrible man.

Allah wants better for you, sister, please be patient. Please repent if you haven’t already, look at the situation from a third person’s perspective, and make duaa’ for clarity.

In shaa’ Allah, you will begin to realize that a wonderful life awaits you as you renew your relationship with Allah, set your affairs straight, and seek that which is good and wonderful for you.

We wish you the best.

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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.

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About Aisha Mohammad
Aisha received her PhD in psychology in 2000 and an MS in public health in 2009. Aisha worked as a Counselor/Psychologist for 12 years for Geneva B. Scruggs Community Health Care Center in New York. Aisha specializes in trauma, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, marriage/relationships issues, as well as community-cultural dynamics. She is certified in Restorative Justice/ Healing Circles, Conflict Resolution, Mediation, and is also a certified Life Coach. Aisha works at a Family Resource Center, and has a part-time practice in which she integrates healing and spirituality using a holistic approach. Aisha plans to open a holistic care counseling center for Muslims and others in the New York area in the future, in sha' Allah. Aisha is also a part of several organizations that advocate for social & food justice. In her spare time she enjoys her family, martial arts classes, Islamic studies as well as working on her book and spoken word projects.