I made sure that I should not accept a religion because of a girl. I started believing in Islam on my own interest. I believe Allah guided me to Islam. But then I made a big mistake.
I can't stop myself from speaking with the girl I love. I proposed her and told her that I accepted Islam. Then I told her that I will speak to her parents after we graduate. And I will marry her only if her parents accept me. We were in regular communication.
Slowly some misunderstanding occurred between us. Afterwards we both started working in separate software companies.
I told her to stop working because she has to work with men. After reading some articles on internet about Islam I argued that she should not go to work with other men. But she still wanted to work in that company. My suggestion did not stop her from working.
I just don't like that particular company and her team is full of men. I wanted to arrange a job for her in a company with a good environment where men and women don't have to work together. But she did not want to leave that company. Then I got mad and kept texting her with anger and said many unwanted things. This is where I started to tell her rude things.
I lost my mind and didn't realize that I was committing a sin. Then she said that she does not want to marry me and blocked my calls and texts.
But after a few months now I realize that I made a huge mistake. Now I started to follow Islam correctly and keep Asking Allah to guide me to marry her.
Her parents will start to find an alliance soon. I still want to marry her. But there are many problems.
First if her parents know that we already speak to each other they will not accept me. Even then Her family will point out many reasons to reject me. Even if her parents accept me she may not agree. But I still have hope that I will marry her. I pray to Allah every minute that I want to marry her.
My question is Can I still ask her parents in the correct way. After all the bad things I have done to her can I ask her parents for her hand in marriage?
Answer
In this counseling session:
- Alhamdulilah that you have found Islam and you are learning day by day.
- Begin by repenting for the sins committed.
- At this point, it is advisable that you spend time learning about marriage and dealing with the difficulties beforehand so that you are well equipped with the relevant knowledge that will be beneficial to you especially at this time.
- You can still approach her family, but do be aware of the consequences of previous relations.
- Establish a time frame to fix this up by and have a backup plan in place in the case it doesn’t work out.
Wa alaikum salaam wa rahmatulahi wa barakatuh,
Alhamdulilah that your eyes have been opened to Islam and you have been drawn to research it further and start practicing. May Allah continue to guide you aright. It is quite normal at your age to have such attractions to members of the opposite sex. It can also be quite a challenge to control one’s desires also.
This is a problem faced by many at this stage, Muslim or not. Alhamdulilah, Islam has many solutions to support brothers and sisters at this time before, and in preparing for marriage. As someone who is new to Islam you may yet to be aware of these things, so I’d like to draw your attention to a small handful of these things based on your own context.
Repent
In Islam it is not acceptable to talk to a member of the opposite sex in such an intimate way outside of marriage. In Islam, there is no boyfriend/girlfriend. However, once married, then a couple are free to talk in such ways and enjoy the benefits of marriage
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. (Quran, 30: 21)
It is seen as sinful to engage in such relationships, however, the comforting thing for you to know is that of you turn to Allah in repentance He loves to forgive and in sha Allah will do the same for you and this girl. As part of the process of repentence and Allah’s forgiveness, it is important that you do you best and take all measures to ensure you don’t fell into this sin again
Say, [O Muhammad], “If you should love Allah, then follow me, [so] Allah will love you and forgive you your sins. And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.” (Quran, 3: 31)
Allah’s wisdom
There is much wisdom behind the rules that Allah lays out for us. On first glance we may not understand the logic behind them and this is why people so often fall into sin. However, once one goes against this they will soon come to realize the wisdom behind this guidance.
You have witnessed first hand the reasons why it is disliked to talk to members of the opposite sex outside of marriage. It is very easy to go astray in cases like this because as humans we are weak in controlling our desires. In your case you developed feelings with one another which has already caused difficulties between you.
Beyond this, as much as you wish to seek marriage to her, think about the consequences of what has just happened and how this could potentially affect your marriage moving forward. Before the marriage has already becmgin there has been examples of mistrust and mistreatment. That’s not to say that these things can be overcome, but it certainly places a level of strain on the relationship from the very beginning.
Check out this counseling video:
Learn about marriage in Islam and restraining
As someone new to Islam you may not be fully aware of all the guidelines pertaining to marriage and relationships with members of the opposite sex. There are rules about how to approach marriage itself, but there is also guidance available to those who are not yet married in the knowledge of the struggles they face.
Narrated `Abdullah: We were with the Prophet (ﷺ) while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said,
“O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.” (Sahih al-Bukhari 5066)
Seeking her hand in marriage
Of course, despite what’s happened, you can still seek marriage to her of you do so in the correct way and approach her parents or mahram. This makes for the best start to a marriage and is in line with Islamic values.
However, you should also keep in mind an understanding of the potential consequences of what has already happened between you as well as further potential consequences should they find out. This is something important to spend time considering before making the move.
Backup plan.
Depending on your own contemplations of everything that has happened, whether you approach her parents, and how they respond if you do, you might also consider a backup plan. For example, give yourself an acceptable period of time to process all that has happened before making you next move; whether that be to approach her parents, or to move on, or the possibility that they won’t accept your proposal.
Following this period if no progress has been made, you may decide to let go and move on and search for a spouse elsewhere. This may be difficult at first, but in sha Allah, there is someone out there for you who will be best for you.
Summary
Alhamdulilah that you have found Islam and you are learning day by day. You have been through a difficult time with someone you wish to marry but there are many ways out of this. Begin by repenting for the sins committed, seek knowledge about marriage and before marriage and learn from the wisdom of Allah.
At this point, it is advisable that you spend time learning about marriage and dealing with the difficulties beforehand so that you are well equipped with the relevant knowledge that will be beneficial to you especially at this time. You can still approach her family, but do be aware of the consequences of previous relations. Finally, establish a time frame to fix this up by and have a backup plan in place in the case it doesn’t work out.
May Allah guide you to what is best. May He grant you a spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes in this life and the next.
Salam,
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