I want to ask a serious question which is killing my life. I married 4 years ago and have given birth to two daughters, Alhamdulillah, through cesarean section. I was in severe pain during the birth of my second daughter as my first scar was not yet healed properly.
Now, the problem is that my husband keeps silent from the day my second daughter was born. Actually, he was expecting a son, and I prayed a lot for a son, too, but Allah blessed us with a beautiful daughter Alhamdulilah, and I am very happy with her. I also work and earn equal to my husband, thus I never put financial burden of my daughters on my husband.
My husband also loves me, but now has been asking permission to marry another wife to have a son. He says he does not want me to have another painful cesarean and will deal with us equally. Son is his wish and may Allah fulfill his wish, ameen. But somewhere deep in my heart, I am afraid he will be more attracted to his second wife in future when she gives him a son, and he will ignore me and my daughters.
Due to this, I am thinking of divorcing him now to avoid future pain, but then I feel depressed thinking about that I am tearing my daughters’ father from them. Please guide me on what to do according to Islam. Should I ask for a divorce or continue this relation with him and his second wife?
Answer
In this counseling answer:
• It is absolutely necessary that you tell your husband your feelings towards his suggestion. The best way to approach this issue is with complete clarity and honesty with your husband.
• Things don’t necessarily have to end up with him marrying a second wife or with divorce.
The both of you need to come together, respect each other’s desires and needs, and come with a mutual understanding on how to live your lives as one unit supporting one another.
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,
Thank you for sending us your question. I am really sorry to read about your situation. It seems you are put in a really difficult predicament.
I ask Allah (swt) to help both you and your husband foster a relationship based on mutual respect and honesty and to help you through this trying time.
To summarize your question, you state that you have been married for 4 years and have two daughters, Alhamdulillah.
Since you have had a difficult pregnancy and birth with your second daughter, your husband does not want you to go through it again but feels that he is in need of a son.
Therefore, he has asked your permission to marry a second wife in order to possibly get a son.
You want your husband to have a son, but at the same time, you don’t want to be put in a situation in which you are sharing your husband with another woman.
Feelings
Your feelings are completely normal, sister. Most women do not want to share their husband with another woman, and there is no shame in that.
It is absolutely necessary that you tell your husband your feelings towards his suggestion.
The best way to approach this issue is with complete clarity and honesty with your husband.
You both must have an honest conversation with each other about what he wants and what you want, and how you both can accommodate each other’s desires and needs.
Marrying a second wife to have a son seems to be a very drastic action to take, especially before looking through all possible options.
Both you and your husband should talk about what options are available for you both, especially if you want to get pregnant again and try for a boy.
Check out this counseling video:
Health
You have mentioned that you have been married for only 4 years, and I read that you are 30 years old.
I am not a physician, but generally speaking, healthy women at your age can have a healthy pregnancy again and give birth safely even with a C-section.
You did not explain your medical situation regarding your health, and therefore I would suggest that both you and your husband visit a physician who specializes in obstetrics and gynecology.
The physician would examine you and tell you if it is safe for you to get pregnant and give birth again, and explain how you can help your scar heal correctly as well as how to get the right pre and post-natal care.
Both you and your husband should ask the doctor whatever questions you may have regarding your health and pregnancy-related issues so you can get the right facts.
Communicate
Either way, if a third pregnancy takes place with you or not, it appears that you and your husband need to talk about what your priorities are for yourselves and your children.
It seems your husband desperately wants a son. Why is that? Have you both talked openly about why it is important for him to have a son?
I understand that having a son is a cultural issue. However, as he thought about what a male child will do for him?
Does having a male child take precedence over his marriage to you? If so, why?
Does he know how you feel about your feelings towards him marrying a second wife and your possible intention to divorce him if he does so?
It seems like there are a lot of questions that you both don’t have the answers to and you both need to discuss as soon as possible.
Conclusion
Things don’t necessarily have to end up with him marrying a second wife or with divorce.
Both of you need to come together, respect each other’s desires and needs, and come with a mutual understanding of how to live your lives as one unit supporting one another.
There is no right or wrong answer for your situation. What is right for you may not be right for another couple.
But the point is that both of you need to come up with what is the right course of action – together.
May Allah (swt) help you both to reach that point in your relationship and to keep your bond strong.
Salam,
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Disclaimer: The conceptualization and recommendations stated in this response are very general and purely based on the limited information provided in the question. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services.